I know most (if not all) of the pros/cons to doing this, I've hashed out that advice around here enough to tell it to myself... I guess what I'm looking for is if anyone has any experiences in actually doing this, whether positive or negative. I'm trying to weigh whether or not it's actually worth telling my friend that I like him. I was under the impression that getting over him would be significantly easier since he was gone the whole summer (like, overseas and out of contact), and while I think my feelings might have subsided a bit, they're still there. I'd be telling him not in hopes of getting something out of it, because while I'm not totally convinced he's straight (though I don't think he's gay either), he says he is, and that's that. But I would tell him under the premise of "I need you to know this, so I can move on and we can get things back to the way they were". Most of my premise around coming out to people so far has been about being honest with myself and being tired of feeling like I'm lying around them. Taking up this ideal in more areas of my life just means that not being truthful with him is eating at me more. I'm not sure if I'm just thinking this out of frustration/desperation though. How terrible an idea is this, now that I've actually written this all out?
I understand completely where you're coming from. That right there says it all. When you feel something so deeply for someone, especially when you're well aware that its a definite dead end....sometimes those are the feelings that can be the hardest to come to terms with. If you're not ever able to express yourself, then yes, it can very well seem like you're living a lie. Guilt starts to build up and you may not understand where it's coming from. Things become harder to bear and it eats away at you little by little, because you'e hiding from someone that means so much to you. Like I said, I understand this. All of it. It's a situation I wouldn't want anyone else to ever be in. So the question remains...do you tell him or not? You've said yourself that you've gone through the pros and cons with others on this site so many times that you can list them off for yourself, but in the end...it's not really about pros and cons. It's about being true to yourself. In the end, you have to do what's best for you, no matter what that means. Because if you don't take care of yourself, who will? Now...I might sound a little hypocritical here, because I'm the type of person who will keep it to myself to spare them. But there comes a point when even I have to let them know. It might not sound fair, but... Isn't it better to say it then to drown in it? Hm. I've probably not been very helpful at all, and for that I apologize. I guess what I'm trying to say is...don't let it bog you down. Do what you need to do in order to be okay. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2012 at 01:36 PM ---------- It might help to note that I did end up telling them. And at first it was very odd, but really only because I was the one making it odd by thinking they would reject me and the premise of my feelings. But they didn't. That's not to say they returned or encouraged them, but there was no rejection. Because we were friends. The best of friends, and had been for many years. After telling them, yes I was able to move on, but it still took some time. Probably because I didn't just like them, I had been in love with them for years and had only just realized it within the past year before my confession. Love is harder to deal with than a crush, me thinks. Still...If the two of you have a friendship that is worth anything...he won't reject you, or distance himself. He'll be more careful and ...hey...anything is possible. I dunno. But...if he's the kind of friend that makes a friendship worth it, you have nothing to worry about.
Thanks for the reply. To be honest, I'm sure if I told him it'd weird him out a bit, because even though he's been nothing but supportive I'm sure it's awkward to be on the receiving end of that statement, no matter how flattering it technically is. I'd like to hope things would go back to normal, but I dunno if I can guarantee that. And I don't want to risk one of the best parts of my support system over my own feelings. And I'm not sure that if things were awkward, if that feeling that "I'd screwed up big time in waiting for things to return to normal" would be better than the conflict I'm feeling now. And I can't even guarantee that telling him will actually end up helping me get over my feelings. And then things like today happened, where we basically hung out around campus for the last few hours, and it was nothing but fun and chill. For the most part, I didn't feel anything romantic/sexual for him, but I felt just happy being around him... and I don't want to make that feeling disappear. I like finally having close friends, close guy friends at that, and I really don't want to blow it now. I really hate being confused. Ugh.
Even if you're 100% sure that your friend is straight, it's still worth confessing. Not for the off chance that they reciprocate those feelings, but because you would have closure. And down the road you won't have to regret not ever telling him. That's just my opinion. I know friendships are destroyed this way, but I've always felt good about being that brave.
I've been through a similar situation, although it wasn't exactly the same. My friend wasn't sure whether she was straight or bi, and still isn't, although we did date for a while after I told her. But I took the same route as you- the "I just have to get this off my chest" approach, because I didn't think there was any chance she'd reciprocate my feelings. I think the thing to remember is that there's no real way to go back to normal. You'll have to find a new normal, whether you tell him or not. And you have to decide what's best for your friendship.
I always regretted not being able to come out to him in person. To date, with all the being gay stuff, that's my only regret... and I've actually based a lot of my other coming out decisions based around "will I regret it if I do it this way?", so thanks for that. I don't think the friendship will be destroyed, but I've never been this terrified that it would happen. Thanks, that actually makes a lot of sense. And I'm sure I can't see it getting any better for me if/when he ever starts dating or brings a girl back home...
This is completely right, even if the person doesn't reciprocate it will get it off your chest and in the end make you feel better. You might also mention you don't want to ruin the friendship and in the off chance it does, give him/her space then come back to them and say you are over them, it has worked for me several times. Good luck!!
I've been thinking about this the last few days, reading responses here and asking a mutual friend of ours her opinion... and I think I'm gonna do it. Another friend was telling a similar story to all of us about him and his friend and he didn't seem super distraught about it. Obviously it'll change when my guy realizes it's about him, but I think all in all it'll go okay. I sent him a text asking if I could talk to him at some point tomorrow (he's out right now). I'm glad I sent it, I want the ball rolling... but holy shit am I ever nervous. It's that same pit-of-your-stomach feeling I had when I was coming out for the first time. *shudder* Wish me luck guys; I'ma need it.
I dont know what I'd accomplish in doing so. A straight friend may be flattered, but they are not going to feel the full intensity of it because they'll never be able to relate to what you find as being "hot" or attractive.
^ I think that plays to my advantage in a way. I'm sharing my feelings in hopes that it will allow me to move on by resolving something within myself, not so that he can truly know how I feel. It's more an issue of my feeling dishonest with someone whom I'd consider my "best" friend, not that they need to know I like them romantically. I think by having him be unable to relate it works well in a sense, because maybe it'll minimize the significance of what I'm feeling and make it less awkward for him.
The only caveat I'd give you is, if you have a really deep and meaningful friendship, it may disrupt it, as he may have never, ever thought of you in that way, and it may be upsetting to him. Even more complicated if he's gay or bi but in denial or otherwise not willing to talk about it yet. But the flip side is, if you present it, he says he's straight, and you tell him you're clear, it gives you closure, and you can let go of it now... even if it does disrupt things, it likely won't be permanent.
Bah, I'm bailing on this next time I see him. It's been a pretty fun couple of days and I think relative to where I was before (say months ago), I can see I'm much more over him than I thought. I still like him, though I think that's more friendship than anything. And as for him being attractive... no amount of talking is going to change what he looks like. I think I was just going through a rough period with that, but thanks for listening to me complain guys, I appreciate it.
