Advice please. Why would she feel so ashamed?

i really need some help and advice.
im a lipstick lesbian so most people assume im straight..
anyways so i met this girl one night( we are both in college), my guy friend was telling someone how im a lesbian and “so hot” and the second he said that, this girl’s eyes shot to me, we locked eyes, then she looked away super fast and at the ground. Then immediately acted super shy towards me, almost to the point of becoming mute lol she wouldnt say a word, would look at me then away immediately, acted very tense so i figured maybe she hated gay people, or was definitely gay and scared of her attraction to me. she acted very nervous, which has happened to me before ( i guess ppl say b/c i am good looking). Well later in the night i said i have to go to the bathroom to some of the group, and when i said that she sprung up and goes ” Oh ill go with u!” i was completely surprised and confused cus she hadnt said anything all night until that moment LOL….well so then she made moves on me and we madeout multiple times then were holdin hands, cuddling kissing, makin out, had her arm around me around my waist while walking, etc, and this was in private and like in an area of the party not around many people, a few friends i was with saw us and a few other random ppl but it wasnt like we were doing it for attention. It was obvious she loved whatever was going on and was very attracted to me. So yea we did that all night her initiating pretty much everything the kisses, holding hands,etc, we exchanged numbers , and told this guy who was hittin on me “yea isnt she so beautiful?” then gave me * the eyes* then said to him, This is MY girlfriend, we are lesbians meaning not into boys” (which completely suprised me as well). We madeout and kissed numerous times and were really enjoying being with eachother. I figured , this girl definitely is a lesbian and i thought this was the start to something great….

WELL, then after that night she avoided me like the plague for over a year, i tried adding her on facebook (few days after this all happened) but she denied my request then blocked me FOR NO REASON and wouldnt speak to me. I tried texting her but no response so i figured to give up i didnt want to get involved in this, with a girl who was obviously having issues with her sexuality….i figured she either hated me( for some unexplainable reason!), or was super scared of her feelings, or hated me because of her feelings for me lol…. Well then i ran into her over a year later, my friend said ” that girl over there keeps looking at u”, then i looked and saw Omg it was this girl, she looked away super fast. i tried going up to her about 10 minutes later, she like ran away from me no joke lol, but i eventually got her to atleast say “hey” back to me and then i asked “can we atleast be civil this is ridiculous?” , she immediately was like ” i never hated u, ” she acted very nervous and tense while we were talking. then my friend came to get me cus we were leaving and she asked me ” where are u going later?” i figured she must not hate me then. etc…she unblocked me on facebook after that nite, and even followed / added me FIRST on another site a few months later, what the hell?. i figured she must be a lesbian then. Keep in mind that, the night we met and hooked up, was the 1st time i had ever met her, we werent friends or anything before that. So by her “following” me 1st on this site, it basically told me how she obviously wants me in her life ( atleast somewhat). Right?

anyways, So yes, she is back in my life now . She has made many first efforts now, such as following me/ adding me first on a website, and when she saw me walking on the sidewalk on campus, she came up to me and picked up up , grabbed me , with the biggest smile on her face and hugged me. totally catching me off guard- i didnt even see her!. therefore, this reassured me that she definitely doesnt hate me. However, at other times she acts very awkward around me, acts nervous and tense, even somewhat avoids me, or Runs away!. Anyways, at one point i said to her " why did you avoid me for that whole year? " then she responded " I avoided you because i felt very ashamed and embarrassed". So, in my opinion i think she is in the closet or denial, i mean it is obvious this girl gets nervous around me, she looks at me when im not looking at her alot ( all my friends have told me), and she acts awkward around me certain times avoiding me, other times veryyy flirty ( usually when it is just us two). One time at this party, when me and my gay guy friend ( who she is sorta friends with too) got there she acted awkward and totally didnt acknowledge me , but ran up to him and hugged him. My friend thinks it was obvious she was trying to make me jealous. Well, so then i saw one of my other girl friends at the bar and was talking to her. My friend acted a bit touchy to me, nothing over the top but it was obvious i was having fun. Well, from the corner of my eye i could see this girl staring at me from behind. Then 5 min later, this girl and my gay friend walked away and about 10 minutes later my gay guy friend came up to me and told me that this girl had pulled him aside and asked him Where i went. Me and him both think she was jealous that i was talking to this other girl ( who is straight and just my friend lol but she doesnt know that).

What the hell? If she acted shy and awkward around me when i showed up and didnt acknowledge me, why would she ask where i was? It doesnt make sense. Why do u think she did that? Also, 2 of my girl friends have told me how she has given them dirty looks. One girl who is my friend and who was somewhat acquaintances with her ( they would normally say hi to eachother when they would see eachother out), after she saw her with me out one night, when my friend went up to say hi to her a different night after that, this girl gave her a dirty look and turned away. It is obvious it has something to do with me, right? what the hell?

Of course i get frustrated with this girl, but again i know fighting and accepting ur sexuality is a very hard thing for some people to come to terms with and accept. Anyways tho, I have noticed within the past few months, she seems to be making progress. She started posting things online about how " if you love your actions, that is all that matters, not if other people dont love them" and Something about having faith in humanity and a gay pride parade was shown. things of that sort. Which she has never done before. And she has even called me "darling" and "hun" in text messages, which again i find weird considering we arent close friends or anything, and sometimes i feel as if she hates my guts lol ( but then again i feel as if that is her defense mechanism to try to not be gay) lol , and she followed me on another website.

So, before you came out of the closet or accepted yourself, did you ever feel ashamed or embarrased of the gay thoughts u were having? Even if you thought some of your friends would be OK with you being gay, why would u still try to push away gay feelings? my mom doesnt accept me so i have to say im straight and it sucks, so i can understand. But why would she act so weird around me? When she had/has avoided me, it makes me think she hates my guts or maybe she is straight, but then she does something which blows my mind and it tells me this girl HAS to be gay. I want her to be comfortable around me, but she seems to always be so nervous usually. what do you think is going on in her head? why would she feel so ashamed after she made moves on me that 1st night and clearly was loving it? I mean, it isnt normal behavior how she is acting lol. Also on a side note, for the few years i have known her, she has never had a boyfriend. And of what i heard, doesnt really hook up with guys, which has caused some people to wonder . She does put an image on to some of her friends tho, of what i have noticed. ... There would be no need to avoid somebody, unless u felt something extremely strong for a person , and it is obvious that she doesnt hate me ( even though sometimes i did and do believe that, when she acts awkward around me or avoids me).

i truely truely feel a connection with this girl, and that is why i havent given up. It was almost like love at first sight, and looking back on our journey, she has improved so much.


Did you ever feel ashamed after having lesbian/gay thoughts or after kissing a someone and LOVING it? thanks :icon_bigg