Hi Guys, I am sorry it is a bit long but I need to confess to someone. I am a 28 year old gay guy still in the closet. When I was younger until I was around 20 I was always in denial and it was really hard to accept who I am. I have no problem with my sexuality. I have never had any sexual/romantic relation with a guy though. There are some reasons I feel like I have to stay in the closet. I was born and raised in a very homophobic country before I came to the US. I am still on a temporary visa(for the last 6 years) and I don't know if I will have a chance to get a green card and live the rest of my life in America. This really freaks me out cause I might have real trouble finding a job or renting an apartment if people know I am gay in my home country where I hate now. I am also extremely lonely and I am not sure If I can stay strong enough. I have no friends in the city I live. My parents are in a foreign country and my brother really ignores me. I have a bestfriend and he lives in the west coast far away from me. He is like a brother to me even closer... I am scared he would think like many homophobic straight guys that gay guys have crush on every guys around them. He is like a part of my family and it is really sick to imagine him just anything different then a brother. He knows I never had a girlfriend and even he tried to help me get laid with girls a few times. But I indirectly refused and he always thinks that I have a personality problem/psychological so he is cool with that. It became like a don't ask don't tell. I am sure he doesn't have any suspicion since I don't fit in their stereotype of feminine gay male. I am also very good at covering my feelings and hiding things. Maybe because I am not exclusively gay but a kinsey scale 4-5 gay I don't wanna label and I am fine with that. But I don't have any other friends to tell to get help. I know you will say "if he doesn't accept you as who you are then he is not a real friend" but it is not that simple for some narrow minded homophobic people. I will never tell my parent because they are like the typical people in my country and they would reject me or push me and make my life a miserable. You are my only friends for now. Please help me. I even seriously thought about suicide in the past before coming to the states. Now I keep myself away from such stupid ideas. Life is tough and unfair but I've already accepted that.
First, I think you need a hug (*hug*) Next, you've come to the right place!! I was trapped in the closet for years, which did more harm than good. I felt like, I was going insane and felt compelled to tell someone, anyone who would listen to me. I think I just about drove everyone else crazy, but they were happy to listen and it felt good to express my emotions. However, whenever I felt like I had no one to talk to, I joined a forum and met someone who was going through the same thing I was. She turned out to be the one who helped me accept myself. We anonymously messaged each other back and forth for over a year. I looked forward to hearing from her weekly and now, we're friends on Facebook. You need to find at least one person that you can trust and tell them how you feel. Or a therapist if possible. And suicide is never the answer, what you are feeling is temporary and I'm sure you'll feel better once you tell at least one person how you feel. I understand that you're here in the US temporarily, but while you're here you should take advantage of your resources. I know all about the intolerance that's spreading across the world like a disease - if you don't mind me asking, where are you originally from? Hang in there, we'll figure it all out because I know you must feel pretty overwhelmed right about now. Just take one day at a time and work on figuring out who you would like to come out to first. No pressure, I know that the things take time (*hug*)
