Not sure how to proceed

Well if I'm hearing you right, it sounds like the big issue here is something between him not being out and him not wanting to label it as a relationship - but if he's fine being open around his family, I'm guessing the bigger deal is the label. If that's the case, when you talk to him about this, how does he respond, specifically? Have you put it to him the way you did in the post - that it seems like for all practical purposes you two are basically in a relationship already?

Or, if I'm wrong, and it's the out status thing, that could be a different animal. Was coming to his work a trigger for this?

I'm also wondering how long it was between the end of his previous relationship and the time that you two started being intimate. You don't mention how long he was seeing this other person, but it's possible that he's carrying a lot of baggage from that experience - depending on the situation, people can be affected by breakups very differently, and sometimes for a long while after they're over.

It's hard to say what you should do at this point without more information, but whatever the case, if he's not willing to give you what you need - whether being a certain level of out together or calling it a relationship - then eventually you may have to move on, but how long it takes until you get to that point is entirely up to you.

 

If he's avoiding the subject of a relationship when you bring it up - and particularly if he's leaning one way or the other - he may very well feel ambivalent about it. At the risk of generalizing from a distance, if the two of you have been exclusively spending time together in couple-y ways (if not literally as a couple) for several months now, then I think it's safe to assume that he probably has feelings for you - but also that something is giving him pause or holding him back.

As for his last relationship - the fact that he ended it might tell you something, but it's virtually impossible to say what. Like I said before, people react to breakups in a billion different ways, and how it happens in the moment can often have very little to do with them. I've known situations where the breaker moved on right away and the breakee took ages to get over it, and situations where it was the exact opposite.

So if I'm understanding the math right, this guy dated someone for five years, ended it probably just after the holidays, then a few weeks later started spending time with you and is now exclusive again. Quite frankly, a few weeks isn't very long to get over a 5-year relationship - and I'm not just talking about not wanting to get back together, but rather about finding himself again, learning to let go of any worries/anxieties he carried out of that relationship (whether about himself or about the idea of dating in general), and thinking about himself as a potential partner for someone else. I'm not saying people never move on that fast, I'm just saying it would be unusual to do so in only a few weeks.

So, let me ask a few more questions: If he's not looking for a label, then what, exactly, does he push for in the situation with you at the moment? Does he act eager to spend time with you, and if so, what does he want to do during that time? Aside from at work, is there any other place that he seems reluctant to spend a lot of time with you at?

 

He's a cop! His lifeline is based largely upon his image and he's at the mercy of fellow officers while in the field. They all quite literally depend upon one another to live. In general, cops don't like us!

He in no way can afford to be outed! In a way, you represent a certain type of threat. That's especially if things go south and he becomes paranoid about you and the intimate little "dirty" details you possess concerning your relationship.

If I were you, I wouldn't even want a relationship. I would steer clear at all costs, from hence forth!

 

It sounds like a good thing you have going. You say he is pushing for time to spend with you, well that says something doesn't it. Maybe he is just a little shy at the mention of the R word for whatever reason, who knows? Sometimes you just have to let relationships develop on their own time frame. Rarely are two people exactly alike and want the same thing in the same time frame. Give it time! I would just say have fun with what you have. With time maybe he will realize what a good thing you both have and want something more. Good luck.

---------- Post added 6th Sep 2012 at 07:23 AM ----------

Mango, don't you think this is a little harsh? I completely disagree with you. Your comments about cops is exactly what gay people have been dealing with for many years, generalizations. That's like saying that every gay guy out there dances around the streets in skimpy little pink shorts (as the media likes to portray us). I would say that for the majority of us, most straight people don't even know were gay. There are plenty of gay people out there in all walks of life, there are plenty of gay cops out there, and ALOT of nice ones. Sharp's guy is feeling like he can't come out for whatever reason, that doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He should continue his relationship as long as he is enjoying it, and they both want it.

 

I've been both physically assaulted and arrested for crossdressing before, on two separate occasions, in two different cities. Transgender experiences are not quite the same as yours might be. OTOH, perhaps it's just unpleasant memories that still haunt me. I know it was some time ago when these arrests occurred. However, I still see cops snickering and glaring at me, though...

Besides, just look at the logic of it all. The cop has already voiced a concern about his job. That means that he is seriously protective about his job-related image. If things go south with the relationship, how much trust is this cop going to have in the OP about not outing him?

Again, there's a certain risk taken when dating any closeted person. That's especially so, when that person is a cop...

PS.

I'd be willing to bet that gay cops experience much discrimination from other cops when on the job!

 

Mango, I'm sorry that you have had such bad experiences with cops. I suspected that from your response. Sharp99's situation is different than yours. I think he can and should pursue his friendship/relationship with his guy.

Sharp99, what you and your friend do in your private lives is no one eases business. No one has to come out as straight....so why should he have to come out as gay. I spent most of my life in the closet and came out a little over a year ago. Does everyone know that I'm gay? Well, a lot do because I chose to tell a lot of people. That's because I work in a job where I am protected from any kind of discrimination, but have not always been there, hence how long it took me to come out. I'm lucky in that respect. Not everyone has that luxury.

So are you going to walk away form someone that you are so attracted too because he is not ready to come out? I wouldn't. Good friendships are not always easy to find. He sounds like a really cool guy. Let us know how it goes.