...Ugh! Life sucks right now! Let me just say that! It's hard for me to even be happy online, and I'm good at that! I've got a lot going on... My grandma just passed away last week... Her funeral was today... And for the past month, I've been worrying more about my sexuality than I probably should... Since about three or four weeks ago, I've been feeling really depressed... I just feel like I have to put a happy mask on every time I'm around anyone... That's what everyone usually expects. They expect me to be happy, because that's how I almost always am. I can't be depressed in front of them, especially not my friends and family. And yet that just makes it worse. I guess I just really feel like no one will accept me for who I am... That if I tell anyone else, I'm going to become an outcast, in both my family and at school... If feel like the whole world is against me... Hell, I even feel like God is against me... I just feel like everything would be better off without me... Oh, God! I'm even thinking about suicide! :icon_sad: I don't want to think about that! Why am I feeling this way after I come out instead of before?! I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up! The thing that really sucks is that my parents are accepting of my bisexuality, but they don't seem to think it's permanent, and it scares me. I think they think I'm gonna change sometime. It's almost as if they're being homophobic without actually being homophobic. I just feel like there's no end to this! I'm not sure if I can take much more! I know some of this doesn't seem like a real problem, but I'm freaking out! Someone just help! Please!
How can I help? Will listening help? I think I can relate a little bit. My brother was very supportive when I came out to him, but he seems to be of the opinion I'm saying "Bisexual" because I'm not yet ready to say "Gay". I can relate to the happy mask thing too. In my family, no one was allowed to feel anything but vaguely happy. So I got skilled at hiding my feelings. Now, I think people have to own their depression before they can overcome it. I think you are starting that now by talking about it. Please talk about it as much as you want. I'm a Christian too, but I think Lady Gaga is right, we're "Born This Way"! I don't think God hates us or thinks we are mistakes. My advice on that? Pray. He will hear you. I'm sure of that. I hope some of this helps. I'm here if you want to talk some more.
Actually, listening is what I'm looking for. I mean, I have friends who know I'm bi, but I don't want to freak them out by telling them all this. With my normal personality, they really would be worried sick about this depression. I'm just glad that everyone else I've told, even my sister, knows that this is quite permanent, but I still strive for my parents' acceptance... I don't know if that's really a common thing anymore. I want my parents to accept me for who I am, and I want them to approve of my sexual orientation. As far as hiding my emotions goes... Well, I've been doing that since I stopped taking my ADD medicine seven years ago. It's become a normal thing for me, but hiding depression is so much harder than just hiding normal sorrow. I mean, Omaha is pretty liberal, although I'm actually quite conservative myself. I just wish that the people I'm around seemed more liberal when it comes to homo- and bisexuality... I'm sorry about just babbling on here, though...
Sometimes eople don't take someone serious when they say that they're bisexual. A lot of people misuse that term and sometimes come out as that and then later change and say they are actually gay/lesbian. This could be what your parents think might happen. Also there is the other people out there that believe bisexuality isn't real, which could also be the case with them. And God isn't against you, you even have it in your signature.
No apologies necessary! If you want me to listen, then you have to talk, right? I know what you mean about parental acceptance. I've always craved it and have never felt like I've really gotten it. I don't know what to tell you about that. Maybe someone smarter than me will have some advice. Do you think you need to see a Doctor about your depression?
Lance: Yeah, I think my parents are probably the former, but there's a chance that they're the latter... Or maybe they're both... Who knows...? And I guess, deep down, I do know that God isn't against me. It just feels like it sometimes... Ozma: Parental acceptance... I guess it's because I have gotten it that I crave it so much. I've gotten it about almost everything but my sexuality... and it kinda sucks when your parents don't seem to accept a large part of who you are... And about seeing a doctor... I'm really not sure. I would have to talk to my parents about that, and I just really don't wanna bring it up with my parents for several reasons. Number one, my grandma's funeral was yesterday, and we really don't need the extra stress right now... :icon_sad: Number two, I don't want to talk to them about my sexuality... At all... It's hard... I know that, if I were to tell them that I'm depressed, they'd ask questions, and I wouldn't be able to avoid them forever... I wish I had more courage to talk to my parents like I do to my best friend...
Just take your own advice in your signature space, and know that we here at EC love you too!...And what's even more reassuring, is the fact that we don't even really know you, and we love you just for being a member of the LGBT community! (*hug*)
I know, Mango, I know... It's just hard to accept my own advice when things aren't going too well... I just wish this depression would go away... And I know you guys love me. ^_^
Well, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to do better than that! Now, go over to either your best friend's house or your closest and most beloved relative's house. Then you guys go out for an ice cream cone, or pizza, or something! Whatever you do, get out of the house and have some fun! Cheer up, already! PS. If you have a bike, go riding in the park, or something!
I would if I could. Trust me, I really would if I could. But today and tomorrow are school days. The only reason I'm home is 'cause I'm not feeling well, both physically and emotionally. I can't very well go to his house today, and then from tomorrow afternoon to Sunday morning, I've gotta go on a campout (that I really wish I had a way out of) for Scouts. I want to spend some time with my him, but there's just no time. I've tried to make time. Heck, I've even tried to get out of the campout so I could go to Worlds of Fun with him on Saturday, but nope... And as far as the bike thing goes, I guess I could go and ride my bike around the neighborhood once I feel better. And I really am trying to cheer up! ^_^
I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, and I hope you find some peace about her passing. When I first tried to talk to my mother (when I considered myself bisexual), she felt the same way. I think it's just how parents who aren't ready to hear about their child's orientation yet deal with it. We talk a lot about how we handle coming out, but our parents are people with their own biases, flaws, and worries.
Yeah, I know. My parents are probably just worried, and I'm reading into it too much... But still, I can't shake the feeling that they haven't accepted it... They just kept denying it when I told them. They were like, "You'd be surprised what arouses you when you're a teenager," or "Your hormones are going crazy at this point in life, so you can't be sure." I guess they don't understand that I'm surer about this than I've been about anything. I know I'm attracted to guys... I just want them to accept that...
That's understandable. Kind of felt to me like my mother was trying to replace who I was with the normal kid she wanted me to be, and rationalizing it as reality with "It's just a phase. I went through it, too!" However, that your parents don't have an aggressive response to the idea is a good sign for the future. Hang in there. =)
