1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Okay, here we go again.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jvn95, Sep 5, 2012.

  1. jvn95

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2012
    Messages:
    498
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas. Yeeee haaaa!
    During my first week of high school, I have made up with my best friend (AKA my <3) and we are talking again just like we used to.

    I have been going through hell with myself since coming out this summer. Anxious about being gay and feeling very isolated. I really think I have Ocd, (extreme fear of the end of the world for 4 years, living in strict spiritual rituals, strange thoughts I can't get rid of, Weird things I do in order to receive "good karma" so I don't have bad luck, being worried I have infections I don't have) and it really hit me when I panicked I might be trans, with no basis whatsoever with extreme social distress and anxiety for the past month. I have the thoughts under control now, I do not believe I'm trans anymore. I felt very strange that I had thought about all of those things before, like a weird version of HOCD.

    But here's the thing... it all disappeared when I started to talk to him again.. I have loved him for two years, I know he is straight but I still love him. I don't fantasize so much about him anymore. But I cannot escape the fact that, when he talks to me or is so much in the same room as me, my head becomes clear, I become happier, and when I am alone now, I feel fine, just like I used to before coming out to myself. That nothing inside of me has "changed" at all. I'm still me, and will always be me no matter what. I'm gay, so what? I have always been gay, Believe me I know now that I look back "Dude... that was SOO gay." *thinking back to a elementary memory*

    I feel so much better. I'm calm. Even when He's not around, it's not that I constantly think about him or anything. Just normal me like I used before I freaked out this summer about everything. I really think he brought me back to myself. When I was with my other friends during the first week of school and he was gone I was having panic attacks during school, even when he was there for a few days. (His grandpa died </3) But when he was walking with me, and we started talking like last year before all the drama, I felt back to myself, and Still do right now.

    Is this healthy? My happiness should NOT depend on another person.

    Now that I think of it... I've never been able to stand on my own two feet completely in my life, I always needed a "Best friend" since elementary school to make me feel more stable. I've never felt like my family does that for me ever (not that they are bad or instable people at all)

    I feel like I'm weak and lack true character, when I'm alone I'm lost and scared and isolated. I need to get over this before college. I love others so much, when I cannot love myself, and I don't think that has ever been the case.
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Yes, it sounds like you might. Have you talked to your parents about this? They should know. The next step would be to talk to your family doctor and look into seeing some kind of counsellor.

    If you're having these kinds of irrational thought patterns, it's going to make it difficult for you to work through the challenges of everyday life. No doubt.

    I'm glad you find some comfort in this friend of yours, but I think you're right to wonder if this kind of reliance on others for you to be happy or calm is really healthy. I really do think this is something you'll want to pursue with some professional help.

    And remember - there's no shame in needing professional help in this kind of situation. I think WE ALL would benefit from having a counsellor to talk to and bounce things off of. I credit my therapist with saving my life. So there's no shame in going to see someone. It takes courage to do so. Conversely, it's silly not to get the help that you think you need.