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Advice about coming out to new work colleagues and old friends

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by CBSLDN, Sep 6, 2012.

  1. CBSLDN

    CBSLDN Guest

    Hi everyone. I realise this might get a bit long, so if you read this, first of all, thank you.

    Here's what's going on. Just over a year ago, during my final year of university, after years of trying to deny it and wishing I wasn't, I came to terms with the fact that I'm gay. In a way, I kind of always knew, but didn't want to admit it to myself. A few weeks later, I came out to my Mum and my family, who were very understanding and supportive, best reaction possible really.

    Just before, in a depressed drunken state, I came out to a couple of my uni friends, who reacted well. Stupidly, I told the guy who can't keep a secret and soon lot of people knew, no bad reactions. So, you're probably thinking, what's the issue?

    My first issue is how to come out to my friends who live in my hometown. As in I still haven't yet. I told myself I would tell them at a convenient moment, but there never is a convenient time. I'm not someone who wants all the attention, and so to suddenly burst out with "oh yeah, on an unrelated note, I like dudes" isn't really my style. Of course it's going to be a big thing when I do tell them, and having known these guys for years, I really don't want to do anything to rock the boat too much and ruin my friendships, especially when I feel that one of them is quite homophobic.

    My other issue is I've just started a new job, been there for about a month now and started at the same time as 5 other people, so our group is becoming quite close. I thought to myself that I wouldn't be so hung up on coming out here because I had no long histories with them, but I still can't bring myself to do it. What complicates the issue is that one of my new friends is gay, the first time I've actually got to know someone else who's actually gay (I've met gay people before but they've never been my best friends or anything). He never made a big deal of it, but just mentioned it in passing (and even thought he's not camp, I actually had a feeling he was when I first met him) and he seems really happy. I know that he goes to the gay clubs and stuff and seems to be part of gay culture, something that I've kind of missed out on by being so secretive. I thought maybe just telling him first, but the same issue arises where I don't really want to draw attention to myself and don't like talking about it.

    So, am I just being a massive wimp about the whole thing, for both groups. I actually don't have any internal issues about being gay, if anything I'm much happier being able to admit to myself who I really am. And at times I feel like I would be happier with my old friends if they knew about it, but at the same time there's that risk it won't be. It's just getting over that hurdle.

    Any advice about how I should handle things? I know this is something I'm going to have to do at some point, so should I just bite the bullet?
     
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    These are probably your child hood friends so they obviously like you for far more than your sexuality. You telling them that you are gay is probably not going to change that. It might take them a couple of days to process, but what usually happens is that your more homophobic friends start rethinking everything they have heard about gay people, and most come to the conclusion that even thought they might not like gays, they like you so gays may not be that bad. I know, doesn't sound like the best reaction, but that's only the start of the process :slight_smile:

    As for telling them, just go ahead and get it out. It might put the spotlight on your for maybe 5-10 mins, but after that it won't be a big deal. And, because they know you since you were young, they probably already have their suspicions about your sexuality so it won't be a complete surprise. It doesn't matter how well you think you hide it, long-time friends usually always have a slight suspicion.

    This is a bit more complicated since the repercussions for coming out are greater. There are companies, bosses and companies who will discriminate against you, either consciously or subconsciously, so it is something to think about. Seeing that there are openly gay people working there then it might not be that big of a problem, but it is something to think about. Sadly, stories about people not getting promotions and things like that because of their sexuality is not unheard of.

    Do you know the policy of the company when it comes to sexual orientation?

    I think telling your friend who is gay is a great idea. I know its scary, but most LGBT people will get the fear, the anxiety and all the crap that you have had to go through to be able to tell anyone, so they will understand where you are coming from.

    Also, since you are uncomfortable talking about your sexuality, one way to get rid of that is to talk about it as much as you can with people who already know. I know, its scary, but the more you talk about it the more comfortable it gets. If you don't want to talk to people around you, then I would encourage you to keep posting threads or talk to other members on here. Everyone here is nice and won't mind a random message. We have all been there :slight_smile: