Hi...this is awkward, I'll try to keep this as seemly as possible, but I do not see my psychologist until another week and can't obsessively think about this problem anymore. :icon_redf I have recently come out as gay and have believed myself to be attracted to the same sex since I was about 8 years old. I have always fantasized about men and being with men sexually. Recently I have seriously been questioning this as I've encountered numerous problems concerning my sexual function, problems like erectile dysfunction and basically not being 'aroused' enough when I'm with another guy. I am suffering from depression, and I have been on Lexapro + Atenolol but I have not been taking them for the past week or so, (they are not medicines that stay in your system for extended amounts of time) so I don't really see why when I'm with another guy my parts aren't really working....it's humiliating. Because I'm getting an erection, not exactly up to full par but still getting one when I'm alone, say watching Adult videos, lol. I have not been with many guys at all, just a few but when I am with someone I don't feel totally consumed with arousal as I feel I should be, especially at 18 years old. It's almost as if the fantasy and idea of being with another guy is more arousing than actually acting upon those fantasies. :icon_sad: When I am preforming certain sexual acts I don't feel like Im really into them, and personally just dont really enjoy them all that much, but I really enjoy the thought of them. Im seriously confused and frustrated... I don't want to be Asexual, I'd rather be gay than asexual than live a life without sex and loneliness because sex really is a big part of humans lives and happy relationships (of course theirs other factors too). Also, Ive never been with another girl but I have absolutely never had any sexual interest in women. Is this just a phase? WTH is going on with me.. I feel as though accepting myself as gay was one thing but now Im just so completely confused. Any advice is great because Im too much in my own head atm. Thanks for reading my long post.
Hey, well I'm not an expert on asexuality, but I don't think an inability to preform has anything to do with it. I mean, you seem to be turned on by the idea of having sex with men, you just aren't able to get excited. That seems pretty different to me. Is it possible you are having troubles do to anxiety/nervousness?
I think you're just nervous. The first few times I had sex, with male and female partners, I didn't enjoy it much. My brain had to learn a little bit to get used to it. The difference between porn and real life is that with porn you're not exposed, you don't have to consider someone else's feelings; porn doesn't judge you and it doesn't require effort. You have to look at sex as a learning experience. Try to look forward to improving each time, and developing an emotional connection to your partners that helps you get really into it. I think that is the main thing, because sex is really 80% mental and 20% physical. If sex feels like a chore, your brain will not look forward to it, and it will shut down your sex drive just as you described. To get past that, turn it into a hobby. After a while it becomes a passion.
I basically agree with the above posters. It sounds like you want to have sex and can be aroused by other people, but the act is complicated by other factors which are not necessarily related to orientation. Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction rather than desire for or ability to perform during sex. While some groups within the community suggest that the definition be changed to include desire for partnered sexual activity, neither definition sounds like it applies in your case.
This, I totally didn't notice the part of your post where you mentioned you were taking SSRI's. The biggest side effect of SSRI's is suppression of male sex drive. Its also the greatest cause of patient non-compliance. This could very likely be the cause of your sexual issues. Sounds like something you should discuss with your doctor.
Thanks alot for the info everyone. I was just concerned by the fact that im not really into the sex when having sex? :icon_redf I love Carl Sagan btw!
There's a difference between sex and intimacy... Find a friend who likes cycling and go for long treks together. Perhaps go mountain biking with some like-mind friends. Work on bonding activities with like-minded friends. Stay active and workout! Things should improve one way or another...
From what you write I am pretty sure you're not asexual. Asexual is an orientation. A completely asexual person wouldn't desire sex at all and wouldn't see it as a personal hindrance to happiness. Low libido and/or problems with having sex is not the same as asexual. A lot of asexual people do have sex and are fully capable of it too, they just don't desire it. It is of course possible to be close to asexual. AKA grey-a asexual. That's what I am. I don't really care much for sex, although under certain circumstances I like it. My libido varies a great deal though. It is very hormone dependant. Also, asexuality has nothing to do with intimacy. I love intimacy. It just rarely leads to a desire for sex.
Buddy, I am going through the exact same thing. I was always sexually active with "myself" but now that I have been with a couple guys, I am not interested in the sex at all. Like you, I am wondering if I am asexual, and like you, that would be pretty heartbreaking right now for me honestly. ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2012 at 12:07 PM ---------- I am going to see some kind of sex therapist to see what I can do to get my libido back, which has been non-existent for more than a week.
