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Coming out (again) to my parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by needsupport, Sep 6, 2012.

  1. needsupport

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    I am so glad to have found this forum. Lately, I have been experiencing a deep hurt inside, and I believe much of this stems from my need to come out (again) to my family. You see, the first time didn’t go over well and I feel as though I have been forced back in the closet for the past 7 years. If you can take the time to read my (very long) story, I would genuinely appreciate your advice and support during this difficult time for me.

    I am the first of three children and was raised in a very conservative, religious, and traditional Christian family. I feel that my parents were loving, cared about my wellbeing, and wanted (their version of) what was best for me. However, through their words, actions, and the community I was raised in, it was clearly engrained in me growing up that my parents (and extended family) were deeply homophobic and completely unaccepting of homosexuality in any form.

    Because “gay” was never even a choice growing up, it took a long time for me to even realize that I might be gay. However, I always knew that I was different. High school was a rough time for me, and I had no interest in boys like my friends did. Shortly after I began college, I made a friend, J, in an online discussion forum. Over months we talked and grew very emotionally close to one another. This was a huge turning point for me because I had never before felt like I could fully open up to another person and share my soul with them. I realized that I had feelings for J, more than just as a friend. This was a traumatic discovery for me because although I felt great happiness in finding someone I had such wonderful feelings for, I also felt great despair because I knew that such a relationship would never be accepted by my family. I went through a period of intense inner turmoil but eventually came to terms with the fact that I was a lesbian and I wanted to pursue a (long-distance) relationship with J.

    Several months after this relationship began, I came out to my family as a lesbian when I was 19 years old, the day after Thanksgiving 2005 (I am currently 26). Or rather, I was forced out. I was directly confronted by them. They had apparently been monitoring my phone calls or reading my emails or both, and questioned me about it. I admitted it to them and told them that I was in love with J and that she was an important part of my life. Well, to put it lightly my coming out went terribly. They told me I was evil and sinful, and quoted Bible verses at me. I tried to reason with them, but they just wouldn’t hear it. Over the next weeks and months they basically had “meetings” with me where they berated me and my actions and attempted to force me to drop all contact with my girlfriend. They told me that the liberal college environment had been an evil influence on me and that they would no longer financially support my living on campus (I lived in my college dorms, about an hour away, at the time). They also told me that they would withdraw financial support for my going to college unless I agreed to see a Christian therapist. Long story short, though I did not drop contact with my girlfriend, I eventually acquiesced to some of their demands. I had dreams and knew I had a bright future that required me to finish college. I didn’t feel like I had other options at the time, other than living on the street. I was also deeply depressed and even suicidal, and felt that I needed someone to talk to. Lastly, I still loved my family and could not bear the thought of losing them entirely.

    Although my therapist was Christian, we came to an agreement that she would not try to “cure” me from being gay, and I actually found talking to her helped me get through this very rough time in my life of living with parents who I constantly felt did not accept me. I continued seeing this therapist through the duration of my time in college/ living with my parents… gosh, it must have been over 2 years. I felt somewhat guilty for having my parents pay so much money for expensive therapy under somewhat “false pretenses” (I know their hope was that I would be “cured” from being gay), but at the same time I really needed the support that my therapist, though not of my choosing, offered me. It was often my lifeline during very dark times.

    So, I made it through. But the status quo with my parents during this time, and ever since, became “don’t ask, don’t tell”. They had caused me so much hurt, so probably in order to preserve myself and my own sanity, I never again mentioned my girlfriend or my lesbian identity to them. And, I can only assume that they believed, or fooled themselves, into believing that the 2 years of therapy had cured me of being gay, or at least acting on it.

    Well, I mentioned I knew I had a bright future. I knew I had to get out of my bad home situation and create a life for myself. I had worked my tail off during college and gotten into a good law school hundreds of miles away in Northern California. My plan was to move away and take out graduate school loans, put myself through law school, and live in an environment where I could live my own life and take care of myself afterward. And that is what I did.

    Law school, overall, was a wonderful time for me. It was the first time I felt I could be openly gay with my classmates and in the community. I made other LGBT identified friends and felt generally supported and accepted by those around me. I even became a bit of an LGBT activist and a leader in our law school's LGBT group. Though I would talk to my parents weekly, I kept all of the LGBT related stuff in my life from them (and it remains this way to this day). J and I eventually broke up after over 3 years – the distance and where we were in our lives just wasn’t working out (it was rough for a while, but we remain friends).

    After over a year of being single, I met someone new, D, through a dating site. Perhaps this stemmed from a fear of intimacy, but I cautioned D at the beginning of our relationship that I would be graduating from law school in a year and would likely have to move to find a job, so I wasn’t sure if we should get too serious. Nevertheless, D and I grew very close and began a relationship. It was wonderful, especially since it was the first time I was in a relationship where I could see my partner constantly (not “long distance"). We became major figures in each others’ lives, and almost everything we did was together. We would take turns staying over at each others’ places and went on many wonderful adventures together. I met D’s parents, who accepted our relationship. D supported me through some trying times including taking the bar exam and a long and difficult job search. We had our differences occasionally but overall she was everything you could ever ask for in a partner.

    In my post-bar job search, I really wanted to stay local – somewhere D and I could continue our relationship. But, it was just a horrible job market and nothing good was coming of my efforts. It was months after my taking the bar and I was running out of money. I got job offers in a couple of other states, but they were nothing I was too excited about and I didn’t want to move away. Eventually, I got a job offer that was still in California, but would put me hundreds of miles away and back in Southern California very close to where my family lives. Even though all through law school I said I would move anywhere but back to Southern California, I ended up accepting the offer. I felt like I was at the end of my financial rope. I needed to be able to support myself and start paying off my huge student loans. I thought that at least if I was in the same state, D and I could make something work.

    Well, fast forward to today. I have been living in Southern California at my new job for 8 months. D and I have been pursuing a long distance relationship, but it has been a lot more difficult than expected. Because neither of us make much money right now, she is in school and I work full time (and some other random life factors thrown in) it has been incredibly difficult finding the time or resources to see each other, so we only see each other once every couple of months. The strain was a lot on our relationship and just a few weeks ago, D and I broke up. At the time I felt it was mutual and what was best for both of us. However, in the time since, it has raised a lot of emotions and brought up repressed issues and questions for myself. Which is why I am on here now asking for your advice and support.

    Looking back, I realize how much harm my “hiding my gayness” from my parents has done to me, my personal life, and my relationship with D. I am realizing that my fear of my parents was creating a barrier in my relationship with D and kept me from reciprocating the intimacy with her I felt she deserved, and from advancing our relationship. There was a time, after I took the bar exam and while I was looking for a job, that D suggested that I move in with her. It made sense because she lived at a nice place, I needed somewhere to live and didn’t have much money, and we already spent almost every night together. But, I declined. I told her at the time that I didn’t feel right about it because I wasn’t ready to move in and that I was afraid of the emotions it would cause if I moved in with her but then had to move away for a job a few months later (both of which were true). But I know a big part of it was really that I didn’t know how to (re) tell my parents that I was gay and furthermore, that I was moving in with my girlfriend who they hadn’t heard about for the past 2 years. Again, once I accepted my job in Southern California, D offered to transfer to a school close to where I would be working. But it would only work out if we lived together, because rent out here is so high. Again, I declined and told her I wasn’t ready to move in together and I’d feel bad if she moved away from her friends and family just for me. But in reality, I think I would have liked to live with her… I was just too scared of reconciling this with my family, who I had been repressing my gayness from for so long.

    I have been feeling agonizing pain and loneliness from the breakup for the past several weeks. I spend nights crying my eyes and heart out. I am incredibly depressed and despondent at times and haven’t been eating. It’s been hard pulling myself to work the past few days. But the pain is also from realizing the mistakes I have made that contributed to our relationship not working out. Because I was hiding this all from my family, I was never 100% in it. I didn’t visit her as often as I could because I didn’t want to have to lie to my family about what I was doing or where I was going. And I passed up on many opportunities for us to advance our relationship because I deeply feared my family’s reaction and rejection.

    So, I am brought to the realization that I need to “re” come out to my parents. In my mind, I had always told myself that I would finally “re” come out to my parents once I found “the one”. That way, at least if I was losing my family, I would have the support of my partner. But this obviously wasn’t the case. I think there had been a time where I could have had a life with J, and later D, but my fear always built a barrier of us moving our relationship forward.

    I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Whether something with D does eventually end up working out or be it with someone else in the future, I want to have a partner who I can share a life with. I want to be able to live with someone, love them fully, and grow old with them. And this simply isn’t possible without me disclosing this aspect of my life to my parents. At the same time, I really need and value what relationship I have with my parents and extended family. I don’t want to lose them, be officially disowned, or completely rejected from their lives.

    What my gut and my pain right now are telling me is that, whether it happens now or at some point in the future, I need to “re” come out to my parents. Until I do so, it will be a barrier my forming a healthy relationship with another woman in the future. I am completely fearful and trembling and fearful at this realization and the mere thought of it. I am struggling with when and how to do it. I don’t want to take any rash actions while I am still dealing with sadness and loss over my relationship with D ending. And having recently moved away from all of my good friends, I don’t have much of a support network out here. I have been looking into seeing a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues to help me through this, but in my current financial situation I think even the copay is too high.

    Any advice on when the appropriate time to (re) come out to my parents would be? Things I should do to prepare for it, to ensure I am safe and don’t fall into the deep depression that happened after my first coming out to them? How to do it? And whether I should just leave it at coming out, or if and how I should address everything that has gone on between my first coming out to them 7 years ago and where I am today? As you can see, there is a lot I have been hiding.
     
  2. Will2M

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    That is quite a story, and unfortunately I cannot empathize at all because I have an atheist family but I can definitely give you my two cents.

    First, there will never be an appropriate time to recome out. It will be hard any way you slice it. It's a hard truth but there is no way around it. You have to stay strong and have courage, we here on EC will always be here.

    Second, have a "support" system in place before you come out. Friends, accepting family (if you have some) possibly J and or D, if you are still friends, because they will understand your situation. I know you said you don't really have one but we are in the 21st century, you can Skype and call your friends all you want. This site is also very helpful.

    Last of all, I don't have any suggestions on how to do it but when you do, tell them about everything you have done in the last 7 years. Also on a seperate note, how religious are you compared to your family? You seem comfortable with yourself so I assume not nearly as religious but I think having the info will help other people give you advice.

    Oh and I believe there are therapists that do a sliding scale type thing depending on how much you make. It is rare but worth a search around.

    Good luck!! We are here for support!
     
    #2 Will2M, Sep 6, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2012
  3. Kat kanu

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    Im so sorry to hear this I come from the same type of family I was raised Baptist ive already been disowned by my family it hurts but I try not to show it oh and they don't even know im a lesbian so im pretty sure ill be dead to them when I come out so I can give you any advice but stay strong and here's a hug (*hug*)
     
  4. kc1895

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    Thanks for sharing your story. Its definitely one of the hardest decisions to make between your own life and your family. But despite your family's disapproval, you seem like you are strong and confident enough to stand up for what you believe is right. It sounds like your family is still in a stage of denial and might show the same reaction when confronted with the issue of your sexual orientation again.

    There may be some LGBT groups in your area that have coming out support groups if you need to talk to people in person. I'm sorry you have such a tough family to deal with. (*hug*) Mine are not far from them.
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    I'd love to help you come out to your parents again, and congrats on your success; you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'm on my phone typing this, so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. You must have went through hell; I can only imagine what life must have been like for you to pretend to be someone you're not. And I'm glad that the therapist you were seeing did not supposedly try to ”cure” you. You had to do what you did to keep peace and everything on track, but was it worth the pain and agony that you've felt? Rhetorical question, but think about it for a minute; if you could go back and change anything, would you? Probably not, because you wouldn't be where you are today. It's kinda like, a blessing in disguise.

    It's been years since you've told them and if telling them feels right, then do it. It's never going to be easy, but this has obviously been eating you up inside. You should not sacrifice your happiness for anyone, including your family. You're an adult now, which is great because you don't have to rely on them financially. However, I know how much their acceptance will mean to you.

    I'm not sure where you live, but here in the US, the upcoming election is pretty important as Obama has given his support regarding gay rights. I suppose that you could casually bring up the topic once you are in their company and then go from there. You don't have to tell them everything once you come out as it may be overwhelming. Once you bring up the topic, ask them if they remember what happened 7 years ago. I'm sure they will since it was a watershed moment of your life. Tell them that you would like to discuss something important with them, at that point it may be obvious. I'm not sure if I'm helping, but please you need to regain control of your life. If they're not accepting, it'll be okay. Much time has passed and hopefully they are a bit more open minded this time around. Good luck and keep me updated :slight_smile:
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Sep 6, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2012
  6. needsupport

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    Thank you all for reading my long-winded story and for your support thus far. :slight_smile:

    Will2M, to answer your question, I am not really religious at all. This is another thing that, like my sexual orientation, is a "don't ask, don't tell" type of situation with my family. Though I was raised religiously and even pretty active in my family's church when I was younger, I could never reconcile what religion taught with my logic/ rationality. However, I still hold some of what one might broadly consider "Christian values" - caring for the less fortunate, loyalty, charity, honesty (though I obviously have some work to do on this one), monogamy, a strong work ethic, love for one's fellow humans.

    Kat, I am sorry to hear about your family situation. It's a shame that religion can fill people with so much hate. I am here if you need a sympathetic ear to vent to about this kind of thing.

    kc1895, thank you for the advice on looking for a coming out support group in my area. The thought hadn't even occurred to me. I actually live in LA as well, so if you know of any support groups, I would love to get the info on it!

    ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2012 at 11:30 PM ----------

    pinklov3ly, thanks for your support and advice. Unfortunately I don't know if bringing up Obama's stance on gay marriage would make it easier; I actually think it might make it worse. My parents are staunch Republicans and I already know that they don't support gay marriage or President Obama. Any time something like that comes up, they are very negative and vocal against it, without my even asking for their opinion. So, I feel like that might just get their anger and emotions high before I even get to talking about myself.

    What I would really like to concentrate on with my parents, maybe even for a while leading up to re-coming out to them, is that I want to be more open and genuine with them. Though they hold many views that are hurtful to me, they seem to genuinely care about my life and (their version of) wellbeing. For example, they call me once a week and now that I live closer, invite me over often on the weekends. I think they try to be good parents and that this is just their twisted/ conservative Christian version of that. But I sort of have this hope that if I can make them open to connecting with me more as a person, they will at least be sympathetic to my desire to be closer to them.

    Guess I might be rambling now... it's getting late. I will check in with you all tomorrow, and thanks again for your kindness and listening ears.
     
  7. pinklov3ly

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    Oh, boy! Wow, your situation is tougher than I thought, so scratch that idea :icon_redf

    Well, I came out to my best friend's dad recently and so did she. He was extremely surprised because I have kids. He said that he doesn't agree with it because of his religious beliefs, but he's okay with it. It does sting a little when someone doesn't agree with your lifestyle. He believes that we were all put on this earth to procreate, well...I've done my part :lol:

    Anyway, I think some people will never understand where gay people are coming from. They don't understand us, but maybe it's not their job to try to understand us. I think some people need to have an opinion for themselves without throwing scriptures from the Bible at you. Since I don't think it's ever going to be an easy way to tell them, you need to just sit them down and tell them that therapy did not work. Do not apologize for being the way you are because there is nothing wrong with you, so don't allow them to make you feel bad about yourself. I'll think of a way to come out to them and get back with you.
     
  8. needsupport

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    Thanks for your continuing support.

    Another thing I could use advice on is the means by which I will re-come out to my parents. I know that it will be difficult any way I do it. But, there are some things I feel I need to take into consideration.

    1) I am not sure whether should tell them in person, or in a letter/ email. I have been reading some of the sample letters on this site and they have been helping me process my feelings. I have sort of started drafting a letter to them, but I am not sure if I actually want to send it or just use it as a guide for discussing with them. The pros of the letter are that I feel as though I will be able to control exactly what is said (without getting side-tracked or interrupted by their responses). I also really fear telling them in person because of my past experience with doing that. However, I also fear that a letter might come off as too "avoidant" and defeat my goal of being genuine and open with them. I am not sure if it is better to express this in person so that they can see (rather than just read) the hurt and anguish this has caused their daughter personally. I am also afraid that with a letter, the message might get "blocked" by them or not received by both of them at once, if that is my goal. First, there is the waiting game of mailing it and then wondering when/if they will receive it, and waiting for their response. Given the time to think about it before responding, they might formulate some horrible response like they did last time. I also feel like my mom will probably get the mail and read it first. I fear she might destroy it or throw it away before reading all of it, and not share it with my father. I guess I could always email it, but then there is the issue that, again, they likely won't read it at the same time (my mom will likely have the chance to read hers first) and they might delete it. Anyway... I just don't know what is best.

    2) If I do tell them in person... or even by letter... I am not sure whether to tell both my mother and father at once, or to tell them individually. I kind of feel like they are "one unit", and in the past when I came out to them, the presented a very unified response of disapproval. But, they are two different people and I might not get as negative a response if it isn't 2 against 1. At the same time, it's going to be so hard as it is it might just be better to get it all out at once.

    3) Again, if I do tell them in person, I am not sure where would be the best place to to it? At their place, at at my place, or somewhere else entirely? I feel like if I do it at their place it will be somewhere comfortable for them and I will be able to leave or stay if necessary, depending on how it goes. However, it will be difficult to arrange to speak to just the two of them without other family members (my siblings, etc) present. If I do it at my place I am guaranteed privacy, but I am afraid that they might get upset and not able to go safely home.

    I know I am obsessing about this, but I just can't help but get it off of my mind. It is eating me up inside, and I want to make sure I do this right.
     
  9. Will2M

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    I think the letter is a good idea, and say you want to be open and genuine but feel like your parents have not given you a fair chance to in person because of their views on your orientation or something like that.
     
  10. pinklov3ly

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    I think it'll be best to invite them to your place, that way you will be in your comfort zone and if things go awry, you'll already be home. If things play out like they did 7 years ago then it's your mental health/state of mind that I'd be worried about more if you had to drive home. Although, your siblings will be there as well, I think it'll be fine to discuss this with them. Were they old enough to understand what happened 7 years ago? However, I don't want you to be verbally attacked in your own home if they each decide to take shots at you.

    So, invite them over for dinner and break the news to them. If this is too much for you, perhaps you should tell one parent first, then together you can break the news to the other parent. Good luck!
     
  11. runnerSR20

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    Wow, I am in almost the same situation as you except my story deals with a slight hiccup. I was going to tell my parents that I am bi, but mostly interested in guys. Unfortunately, when I was building up the courage to tell them I had a car accident and I ended up having to move in with them again. My family is very Christian and at first I thought that I could put those same-sex attractions aside. It's a been a year and now that I'm fully recovered those feelings are back again. I know my parents will love me the same, it will just be hard for them to deal with as I am the first born of only two boys. I can't tell them now that I'm living at home with them again because I know I will go through the same experience you went through at 19. I am going to wait until I move out, again, to tell them who I am. Really, nothing changes about me because even my mom said I have always been a little feminine. I'm not some flamer--if you met me, you would definitely wonder, "is he or isn't he?" Let me know how it goes and how you approached the subject. BTW, what law school did you go to? I'm going to take my LSAT in February with two schools already picked out.
     
  12. cutieboy201

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    i know how you feel my parents hate me being gay because they are homophobic.... wait until you have a "Safety Net" or a person you can go to for support. but dont worry... You Have All Of Us On EC For Support (*hug*)