I'm a 38 year old married guy and I came out to my wife about 3 weeks ago. It's been a difficult few weeks (understatement. It's been the worst 3 weeks of my life). We've decided that the best thing to do is get divorced but remain friends. We have 3 kids (aged 9 through 14). We decided to tell the kids what's happening and why. (Meaning I told the kids that I'm gay... that was difficult). So now for the next month or so we are going to transition into separate apartments and get all the logistics and paperwork taken care of. I have a few things that I need some advice on. First, I don't have any gay friends. Not a single one. I'm finding myself with a lot of questions and no one to talk with about them. I've googled local gay support groups (Portland, OR area) but I'm not sure which ones to try if any (I'm a fairly shy guy in non-professional social situations). Any recommendations about finding someone to just talk to? Another thing I'm really worrying about right now how the heck to meet people / date! I haven't done that in many years and I have no idea how to date as a gay guy. Any advice? OK, here's the last and most important thing that I need some help with. After I told my family that I'm gay, my 14 year old son confided in me that he is gay as well and hasn't had the courage to tell anyone. I'm having a lot of guilt and shame about myself and I want to make sure I don't give him a bad example of how a gay person should see themselves. Also, other than just listening to him, I'm not sure how to be a supportive father, since I'm trying to figure out the same things he's trying to figure out. So, that's the intensely abridged version. Any suggestions? Thanks!
I'm glad that you found the strength and courage to come out to your wife and kids. You're doing the right thing for your kids, wife and yourself; I know it had to be extremely difficult, but it had to be done. There are plenty of dating websites that you can join to meet people just make sure your intentions are clear. However, perhaps you should wait until after the divorce out of respect for your wife. Although, I know you're probably eager, I guess it doesn't hurt to just look for now, but it's entirely up to you. As far as LGBT organizations, PFLAG seems to be the best one in my area; chapters are located throughout the states. And now about your son, I'm glad that he has a father like you; it makes it easier for him to confide in someone. I think it's awesome that he's come out to you since you came out to him. Attending counseling together maybe a good idea, but then again maybe you should go separately. In the end, your son will appreciate your honesty even though it's been a rough 3 weeks for you and your family. Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open with your son
Hello, and welcome to Empty Closets =] First of all, I'm sorry you've had a rough few weeks, but I think you did the right thing and it took a lot of courage to do it. You should be proud of yourself. I think trial and error may just be your best bet. About a month or so ago I started going to transgender support groups and it has helped me tremendously. Feeling like a part of community really helps to alleviate some of the negative connotations we hold about our identities, especially if we are recently out. I'm shy too and don't talk much in the meetings often, but it just feels good to be there. And in breaks and after the meetings I just find myself standing outside talking to people for long periods of time. I don't know what kind of different groups they have in your area, but its not going to hurt to try one. I think you need to just jump in and do it! Dating sites. Its against the site policy to mention specific ones, but I met my ex of 1.5 years through a dating site. I have actually met almost all of the transgender people I know through the same dating site. Messaged a couple people on there, got invited to support groups and became a part of the community. Lots of LGBT people use dating sites because its just harder to meet other LGBT people. And lots of people aren't into the whole bar scene. By taking this first step and coming out, you've already been a tremendous role model for him. Sure you are still figuring this stuff out yourself, that doesn't mean you can't be a great father. He is so fortunate to have a dad that's going to understand and accept him. Ultimately, that's what makes a great a parent. Best of luck with this new chapter in your life (*hug*)
Hi, welcome to Empty Closets! Congratulations on coming out to your wife and children--I know it is terribly difficult, but it's worth it. I think you should consider taking your son in to our local LGBT youth organization (I'm local for you). You could volunteer with them as well, which would give you both connections to the community. I also have some other thoughts. I'll send you a PM a little later with more information about the local community, including the youth organization I mentioned. You could also refer your son here to EC. We have a lot of teenagers here, and it will give him a safe place to discuss his fears about coming out. Overall, though, I think you are being an excellent role model for your son, in coming out. And you can figure things out together--just do your best, and love him. You don't have to have all the answers. He's already following your example in coming out to you--you modeled that courage for him. How is your wife doing? There are support groups out there for her, too. Has your son come out to her, as well? Are you at all worried that her reaction will be complicated by her feelings about you and your sexuality?
