Ill try to be a detailed as I can, but having a hard time right now questioning my sexuality. Ever since iwas young, I have always crushed on girls, even obsessed over some. There were time, However, I also crushed on boys. I had a few relationships on girls at a young age, and was always devastated when those relationships ended.. To a point that I was nervous about entering a relationship of any kind. Throughout high school, I always had the same kind of crushes. I had interest in a few girls, but also found myself attracted to some of my guy friends. I would often sexually fantasize about both sexes.. And would always be one turned on by finding out a guy friend had sex with a girl at school. At the time, However, I had no girlfriend, and was not having sex myself. I had people accusing me of being gay, and I began to question if I was straight, gay or bi. At this point I had de eloped a habit for porn, as an outlet for my sexual desires. I found myself watching straight couples having sex, turned on by the act and watching both people. I was also turned on by lesbian porn, as well as watching guys jerk off, jerk each other off, or give blow jobs. I ne were ally found interest in watching two men have sex, though I would fantasize about it. At this point, I had some sexual flings with a few females, but never full on sex. Just blow jobs, hand jobs, etc. At some point in my early 20s, I discovered the webcam, and sought out guys to jerk off with over the cam. It became a habitual thing.. And it was a huge turn on. At that point I had fantasized about doing sexual things with guys, but could never see it through. I had also developed a crush on a friend at college, but it never went beyond that. At this point I met the girl of my dreams.. Beautiful, intelligent, kind. Everything I had dreamed of finding in a woman. Due to my shyness, it took us a while to connect, but I always desired to have sex with her. We began having sex a year into the relationship, and it was electric. It was everything I dreamed it would be. At some point, however, I felt that I hadn't given myself a chance to try sexual encounters with guys, and i told myself I needed to try it before committing fully. I sought out encounters on Craigslist.. Where I would meet up with a guy, we would watch porn and jack off together. One time I traded blow jobs. I enjoyed the encounters so much that those too became habitual.. As though my desires on that end were completely separate from my needs and desires in my relationship. At some point, I couldn't take the guilt. I moved in with my girl, and decided to stop the encounters. However, I can't stop the porn, and the itch for an encounter weighs on me at times. I recently told her I was bi, and ultimately I want to be with her. I honestly do feel attractions to both men and women.. But where it seems I know I can have sex with a woman at anytime, my attractions to guys seem to come up a bit more. I am afraid at times that my needs for my male attractions will not be satisfied, but I also can't picture myself without my gf, or a woman in my life in general. I ever wrestle with the possibility that I might be gay.. Which ultimately ignores the fact that I have attractions towards women as well. Ultimately I feel uncomfortable being bi, and wish I was one or the other. I have seen a counsellor. And this has been my back and forth. I want to be with this woman for the rest of my life, but fears of not being satisfied without having sexual contact with men plague me. I also have a bit of OCD/anxiety related to all of this, so I also wonder if I'm just over thinking it and making it worse for myself. I have done this in other areas of my life.. I have thought on numerous occasions that I was dying of either cancer, heart failure, HIV, head injuries, you name it.. So not sure if this is just a product of irrational fears. Bah. That's all over the pla e.. But any thoughts?
Right now you are bisexual. Who knows what lies ahead in your sexual orientation future, as bisexuals can have much leeway on the sexual continuum. I can tell that from what I've observed of most bisexual males, is that, as their sexual virility and stamina decreases with age, the more homosexual they become. I have seen it go the other way, but that's extremely rare from what I have personally observed. For younger bisexual guys, they seem to be all over the place. One time, they appear to be settled into a heterosexual relationship and happy. The next time that you see them, they're no longer with their ex-girlfriends, but now in some gay bar with some random guy. If I were a young bisexual male, I would find an independent older woman, who's not looking for marriage, but quite simply the warmth and comfort of both emotional and sexual comfort. I would spend most weekends with her on a somewhat steady basis. If I wanted a brief interlude with a guy, I'd do it on a weekday. I would always live by myself to keep my older woman feeling happy and secure with the certain expectation that I would always be there for her on the weekends. That way, as a bisexual male, I would always have a more meaningful relationship with the woman, and maintain my occasional sexual urges satisfied with my male partner(s)... If I was more attracted to guys than women, I would live alone but have a steady "weekend" boyfriend. I would explain to him that occasionally, I would have to entertain the company of a woman. He'd have to be ok with that. I would then occasionally visit my older girlfriend sometime during the week. I would let my older girlfriend know that I had another younger lover, but I most likely would not divulge the fact that I was bisexual to her. I would never discuss one lover with the other. I would always use a condom with both lovers, without fail! Bisexuals should always find it difficult to fully commit, due to there unique circumstances. Special arrangements would almost always have to be considered...
My issue with that advice is that I can't see my self not being with the girl I am now. I love her too much.. So it's not easy. The difficulty is I have a hard time imagining myself without having sexual contact with makes, but I also truly can not see myself not being with the woman I am with now. She's wonderful and I love sex with her. It would be nice, however, if she would accept me having occaisional flings, as I wouldn't feel so guilty. But she also has a hard time with the idea of me simply masturbating, and we're trying to work on that understanding now.. But her debate is my masturbating takes away sexual energy from the relationship.
I think that it's a natural part of bisexuality to want to explore the full spectrum of your sexuality. It's healthy, and I urge you to pursue it. However, that will preclude long-term relationship at this time, except for open relationships, which are rare to get to work. Of course it is possible that you could make it work. However, I think you owe it to your partner to see what her limits are and respect them.
I know what her limits are.. She would not be happy with me seeing other people. her issue at the moment is her own insecurity.. That my attractions to men means she has more to compete with.. Though I try to explain that it's the same as if I'm checking out and fantasizing about other women too. The other thing I go through is bouncing back between being bi, or if I'm just gay. It's almost like I can't accept bisexuality, as though I have to be one or the other. I know I enjoy sex with my gf, I love her, but I spend most of my porn time these days watching other guys, or checking out other guys. Am I on a spectrum, or do I tend to check out guys more because I always have a female available to me? And I seem to go back and forth. I'll go through periods where I don't seem to car about guys.. But when the attractions come on they can be strong.
So I can feel intense attractions for one sex on one week,and then the same kind of attractions for another sex on another week? Because it me er seems consistent, and I guess m trying to figure out which one is consistent.
