Hi everyone. I had a thread last week about losing my best friend because his wife found out that he was gay and developed HIV and had to go into therapy for sexual addiction. So many offered wonderful advice which helped.....your advice forced me to realize that I needed therapy to cope with the loss and DID get into therapy with a trained counselor. Now I find out that my friend is in therapy to become straight!!!!!!! I can't deal with this. Just when I thought the nightmare was over, this information comes out. For God's sake, he is a 58-year-old married man who is a medical doctor and the chair at a major hospital outside of New York!!!!! How did this happen!?!?!?!?!? How did such an intelligent man allow himself to go into therapy to lose his gayness?????? If I thought I was in pain last week, this is worse, because now I understand why he has completely cut off contact with his best friend of TEN YEARS. The thought of someone trying to convince him that he likes women cuts so deep into my heart I don't know what to think or feel. I know that his wife is behind this, but what I cannot understand is how he would agree to this when it is 2012 and NOT 1957!!!! Why would he even lower himself into believing that this is something that can be cured???? Oh my God, I can't believe this. I can't believe this. He is GAY. I have known him for so long, he confided in me how he regretted being married and now he is going to such extremes as to deny who he is and was from the day he was born. I don't know this man any more. He threw me away without even a simple goodbye or "I will miss you but I have to do this." Can anyone help me with this?????? I hate feeling the way that I do and the damn pain will not go away...even using the tools that my therapist gave me to work with until our next session. Is it normal to hate him for this????? I don't want to walk away from him because I know that one day he is going to wake up and realize that this was a mistake. I stay in contact as best I can by sending him encouraging notes about having a friend in me, etc. But this is more than I can deal with. My best friend is not straight!!!!! Why is he subjecting himself to this?????? Help!!!! :tears:
Denial can be incredibly strong. My guess -- and I think I said something similar in the original thread -- is that your friend is looking at what it would mean to have his entire personal life crumble, lose his wife, have to admit to his associates that he's gay, and all that would come with that. And it's simply too much for him to handle. In circumstances like that, rational thought can go out the window. He just desperately wants to believe he can stuff everything back in Pandora's box and close it. And, sadly, he might get convinced that he's straight and everything is hunky dory. And the people that deal with changing sexual orientation and sexual addiction treat it like any other addiction... that you have to leave everything associated with your "old life" behind and not reconnect to it, for fear it will cause you to "relapse" Of course, things won't be hunky dory. But whether he discovers this in a month, or in another 10 years, or never... isn't in anyone's control but his. The only thing you can do if you want to be his friend -- and not his friend because he's gay -- is to be completely supportive of what he's doing, simply because he's decided it's the right thing for him. You could say something like "I don't share the belief that sexual orientation can be changed, but you are my friend first, and if that's what you believe is best for you, I will honor our friendship and do my best to support you." But from what you've said, I don't think you're in a place where you could pull it off, because you'd have to believe it in order to do it authentically. This sucks, but I honestly think, if you value the friendship, this is what you need to do.
Chip, I am trying to do this. I am trying my best but it is (for the moment) impossible. All I can remember is how loving and kind and gentle he was with me. It had nothing to do with sex because we weren't sexual with one another. As I had written in my original posting, we were closer than most people could ever imagine. I thought of him and he would call. He would think of me and I would call. The closeness turned out to be my downfall. How he was able to turn his back on me without even one thought and then completely shut me out is beyond my scope of feeling. I could NEVER do this to another human being. Especially the one who was my best friend and brother. I remember his last words...."I am doing this to save my life. I have to get rid of everything that was gay in my life and put it all behind me." Wait!!!! WHAT???? DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!!!!!! I did nothing and get the punishment. You want to leave something behind? Leave the people you were having the sex with behind you. You want to leave something behind? Get rid of your computer with all of the sex sites. But don't lose your best friend. This is cruel and nasty. To do this to another human being is BEYOND vicious. And he doesn't care. To save what? A sham of a marriage???? To put on appearances with his colleagues? This is 2012!!!! This is not the mid-1950s. Chip, I can't even begin to describe how much pain I am in right now. Forgive me for writing that I WANT him to hurt. I WANT him to experience the same pain he is putting me through. And no, I can't give him the ok for denying our friendship and then saying I understand. I don't and I never will. I still send him cards and notes in the mail telling him that I am here for him but that is all I can say. I don't ever see myself saying I understand what he is doing because I don't. I don't understand throwing me away. I don't understand his turning a blind eye to the pain he KNOWS he has caused all because a therapist tells him to turn his back on his past. And if the therapist told him to jump from a skyscraper would he do it? If the therapist told him jumping from the Brooklyn Bridge would "cure" his gayness would he do it????? Eating dried cockroaches and boiled worms would make him straight and virile and ready for women???? NO! I will never understand this. I apologize. I really do. I am still confused and hurt by how nasty this scenario has become. The cold brutal change in him..... Sigh..... I will never understand. Thank you, Chip! Honestly, I am thankful you stepped in to help. I'll probably read your reply another 100 times before the night is over.
:icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad: Words..just words...can not even begin to say how horrible this is. (*hug*) Humans that we are always so difficult as we search for solutions but never do we see the full picture. The only thing we can do is try and learn to make the right decisions and remember who our true friends. I am really sorry but I feel as though only he can reach a final decision, but you can continue to try and reach and show your love. That is something you can do and if he sees that then maybe he can make a better choice.
Everett, the one statement that you made gave me hope that I am doing what is right for both of us...."you can continue to try and reach and show your love." That is all I can do. I won't stop trying. I won't abandon him. He may think I am crazy for sticking around when he told me to go. I can't go. I will be off to the side just waiting. Doing whatever I can. Of course, living MY life to its fullest. But not giving up on my dearest friend. I want him to know he has a safe port no matter what has happened. Thank you, Everett
