It has been about 2 weeks since I told my wife I was bi and had been with men in the past. The thing is I did not tell her because I wanted to act on my feelings towards men again. The reason I told her was because I no longer wanted to keep a big part of my life and who I am a dark secret. My only regret is that it took me nearly 9 years with her to tell her. The only thing I expected to "gain" by telling her would be for her to understand my feelings, and maybe talk about them. I have never cheated, will never cheat, and only want to be with her. I love her with every bit of my heart and still find her VERY attractive. I am completly fine fulfilling my "gay" urges watching a bit of porn. I have to admit, she has been great so far. Well, she has not packed her bags yet. We are talking and it looks like our relationship will make it through all of this. Hoping that she would feel better about me being gay I suggested she visit support sites similar to this one. WTF was I thinking? Turns out I am a big exception to the rule. Most gay/bi men have ended up cheating, already have, and the relationship ended in an epic fail. The support sites she has been looking at end up being more bashing of their ex than support in dealing with it. The more she reads, the more she doubts my real intentions. Everyone is telling her that I am a lier and have most likely already cheated on her. I like this site and have heard many similar stories, but even here most men no longer want to be married. This is the reason they told their wife. Well, I want mine to end differently. I have had my whole life to come to terms with my sexuality, she has only had 2 weeks. I know on Tuesday there is a PFLAG meeting near me. I am encouraging her to go, with or without me. I hope this helps. Does anyone else know of a place where we she can get more support? Should we do private counciling? Hopefully time will heal the shock of the secret I just told her, but maybe talking about it with others will help too.
I think private marriage counseling would be a good idea. ***Make sure you find a counselor who believes in the existence of bisexuality. Have a phone conversation ahead of time to establish that. PFLAG is also a good resource. I think it would be best if you go together the first time. Yes, it's very unusual for men to come out to their wives unless they feel they need to pursue relationships with men. This is a sad commentary on our culture: most men in your situation, who just want to maintain a monogamous relationship with their wives, will choose to live with the secret instead of coming out. In some cases, this eventually leads to them cheating when they might not have otherwise, because they are attempting to completely deny part of themselves. I actually don't necessarily think it's true that most gay and bi men who are married to women cheat, though. But some of the bi men and virtually all of the gay men will eventually want to have relationships with men, whether that means that they leave the relationship, or change it to a non-monogamous relationship, or what. But many gay and bi men who are married have very profound shame about their sexuality--they come to feel that they are just intrinsically bad because of their feelings. When this happens, sometimes they end up feeling like they may as well cheat, since they are already so horrible anyway, it won't make any difference. This is a mistake, obviously. Even for gay men who end up having to end the relationship with their wives, it goes much better for them if they didn't cheat. A wife can usually accept that her husband had been in some kind of denial of his sexual orientation--they can end the relationship amicably if it won't work. But the betrayal involved in cheating is much more difficult to accept. Part of the reason that she is having that experience, too, is that people who are in that kind of situation, where the marriage is failing or the husband cheated, are the people who are going to need the most support, so the support communities are going to be full of them. I think that if you wanted to lie and cheat on her, you would have not come out to her. Coming out to her means that you want to be authentic in the relationship--you weren't forced out, or found out, and you aren't planning on divorcing her or asking her to let you see men. So the only reason for you to tell her is actually to let her know you more completely, and deepen the connection and intimacy of your relationship.
