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help with parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by deeNIreland, Jan 27, 2008.

  1. deeNIreland

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Belfast, Northern Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi,

    I am brand new to this site, and I only discovered it after Googling for help for my parents in accepting that I am gay. I like some of the information that I have read on the site so far, and I hope that when I show my parents some of the material it will be beneficial to them, and our rapidly deteriorating relationship. I want to outline my story also, with the hope that some one can give me some ideas/information about how to deal with it.

    I came out to me parents in the summer of 2007. I am 21, and from Northern Ireland. I had been hiding this secret from as long as I can remember ever being attracted to anyone, so probably around 12-13 yrs old. My decision to tell them was by no means easy. Somehow, I managed to tell them, just by saying we needed to talk. My parents were really mad with me and extremely angry. Neither of my parents spoke to me for approximately 3 months. I stayed out of the house for as long as I could. I worked extra hours at work as Uni had finished for the summer. I didn't see them and they didn't see me. I admit that I too was angry with them for how they treated me. They went on holidays in September. They rang home to check how things were. They spoke to my sisters (neither of whom knew that I was gay at the time) but never spoke to me to see how I was doing. This hurt me a lot. When they came home, things seemed to be going smoothly. They initiated conversation with me, which I respected them for, and was thankful for. My parents absolutely forbade me to tell me sisters. So I didn't. I wasn't allowed to mention my boyfriends name in the house, let alone bring him to it. I told my friends, most of whom were a great source of support.

    However, shortly after christmas 2007, my sisters discovered I had a boyfriend (my youngest sister read my text messages and told my other sister) - so there was a huge breakdown in the house again - I feel like I've lost my youngest sister (who is 18) who doesn't really speak to me, and my other sister, who is 20, speaks to me on occasion. However, she has told me she doesn't care if I am gay or not, I am still her brother. She still finds it hard to cope though. I feel also that my parents are back to square one with coming to terms with my sexuality. Two of my closest aunts have filled my mothers head full of false hope by telling her "its a phase, he isn't really gay." Upon hearing this I drove to speak to them both to tell them I do not appreciate them making comments such as that. They basically shrugged and told me "ok". So I am up against this aswell.

    Recently my parents have become extremely hostile toward me. Especially my mother. She takes all her feelings out on me, and has been doing so no matter what I do. I asked her yesterday for example "what's for dinner?" and she waved her hand at me, and walked away, muttered "f**k off", slamming the door behind her. This was the icing on the cake for me, the final straw with their (mostly her) reaction me me, and I yelled back at her "well do you know what, f**k you!". In retrospect I know this was not the most respectful thing to so, but I feel that I am compromising so much for my family and I am getting nothing back. I do what they asked of me and don't speak about my boyfriend, I don't bring him to the house (which he hates and I hate) and I keep that aspect of my life to myself, so I don't know what else I could do. I need to get something back from them. They think that they are the only one's who are hurting about this. I don't think they realise that their actions are killing me. The only reason I am currently living at home is because I go to university in my hometown. And it is a waste of money to have to pay rent etc for a house when I have one right there. Also, with my wage, in part time employment, it isn't possible to move out.

    Sometimes, I wish that I weren't gay, purely because it would be easier on my family. Then I remember how much I love my boyfriend and that being straight wouldnt make me any happier.

    I cant think of any other ways to help my parents come to terms with things. I have given them all the time and the space that they have needed. I feel its time, after 9 months, that they gave me something back.

    I'd appreciate any comments or information.

    Many thanks!
     
    #1 deeNIreland, Jan 27, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2008
  2. Bader

    Bader Guest

    well my parents suspects that iam gay so sometimes they *treat* me diffrently and they do stuff like that to me.
    my advice *the only thing workd for me* is to do what they ask me and try to avoid them as much as possible hopefully when i can i'll move out for good.
    iam really sorry u dont have a more understanding parents ,and i hope things get better soon!
     
  3. Astaroth

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Federal Way, WA
    Wow. That sounds tough! I'm sorry that things have gone so poorly for you since you came out to your parents. They don't have the right to treat you like a second-class citizen after you tell the truth, nor do you have the duty to take their abuse. My advice would be to find any way out of that house ASAP! After nine months, they are stuck in the Anger phase of grief. If they do keep progressing, it may take some time before they even get past these feelings. The fact that they don't want to meet your boyfriend nor even allow you to mention him in their presence - even now that you're out to all of your immediately family, no less! - is disrespectful and hurtful. It's a lingering form of denial. If you don't mention him or bring him home, he simply doesn't really exist.

    The only way out of this mess is to move out. You can always provide them with materials to read, and that would certainly be a sign of goodwill on your part, but they've got a lot of growing up to do on the subject still. Would it be possible for you and your boyfriend to get an apartment together? Then you could split the rent 50/50 at least. Even though rent is a waste of money in the end, I would rather waste a million dollars in rent than have to deal with the constant abuse! Money is a replacable commodity. Your self-worth isn't!
     
  4. deeNIreland

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
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    Location:
    Belfast, Northern Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    thank you very much for taking the time to read this.

    As you have seen, its an ongoing battle with my parents and myself.

    And I know that I am not the only one going through this. This doesn't make me feel any better, as no one should have to go through it, but it makes me feel relieved to some extent that my family are not doing this to me on purpose. it is a difficult transition for us all. I just hope that in time, they will get over it. I have lost so many people, who I once considered friends. I can't lose my family aswell.

    I hope that you both are doing well with everything, and that you both have much more luck than I!

    Take care, and I'll be back very soon.

    I think this site is a god-send, especially as you can let go of so many emotions without feeling the (perceived) judgment we sometimes feel from friends.

    Thanks so much again for taking the time to read this and for replying! :slight_smile: