This will be more of a vent than anything else, I guess. Bear with me So, you might have noticed (or not) that I've been away for a good month now. Why? Because my life has gotten somewhat crazy. I mentioned, in my introduction post, that I was crushing on my male best friend (I will refer to him as A). Well, we were invited at the same party and we ended up making out. The following morning, after a long discussion involving lots of feeeeeelings, he poured his guts to me and told me that his father is emotionally and physically abusive and that his mother finally understood that this was never going to change. She decided to get a divorce and the procedure should be over in two months' time. Until that point, he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he wouldn't have enough time and energy to invest in it. He wants to wait till that page is definitely turned to be in the healthiest frame of mind possible - so, basically, I'm waiting for him. Sounds straightforward enough, doesn't it? Well, hang on to your hats, because it's going to get complicated. I started college on September, 3rd, but I moved out on August, 20th. I met a girl (whom I will refer to as B) on the day I arrived and we clicked. Erm, really clicked. She told me she was pansexual nearly right away and I came out to her as asexual and homoromantic. And I think I might - just might - be slowly falling for her. OK, who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure I'm falling for her. It's not love, not yet, but it definitely has the potential to get there. Basically, I'm at the point where I would ask her out and start a bit of casual dating. The thing is, I'm still in love with A. Most definitely (this coming after nearly a week of sleepless nights spent in soul searching). And that's where the problems start. A is not a fan of polyamorous relationships. And by "not a fan", I mean "no way on Earth would he do that ever". Not that he has anything against them personally (he's actually a big defender of the legalization of polygamy) but a few discussions I had with him showed that he's ferociously monogamous. Just to be sure, I actually told him about this and he made it clear that I'm more than welcome to discuss this with him if I need to but that if I were to date B, this would invalidate the prospect of a relationship with him. We would remain friends, but nothing more. So I have to chose. And I will chose him, obviously, because I love him while I only feel this kind of diffuse attraction to B for the moment, but... Shit, I don't want to. I want them both. I would like to be able to date B, but I don't want to lose A. I feel stuck. This added to the hugely competitive atmosphere of the college I'm in (seriously, people tried to steal my Medieval History notes. Twice. And two girls left after only two days.) is driving me somewhat crazy. It hurts having to make that choice. I know it might sound silly since nothing actually started with B and she might not have said yes anyway but... I don't know. It's just frustrating, I guess. OK, this is starting to sound whiny. Has anyone gone through anything similar? I'd like to hear from you if you did - it would be of great help But any input is welcome, of course.
My gut reaction? Keep the friendship going with both of them. And if your attraction to B continues to grow, go ahead and date her. I understand his position, and I don't think there's anything wrong with what he said. Sometimes, you're just not ready to date and get into a relationship. The problem is - sometimes, other people are. And you can't really expect people to stay on hold while you deal with your own issues. Because people have their own lives to live, and their own emotions to deal with. That doesn't mean I think people should immediately look for other people to date once being told somebody isn't quite ready for a relationship. But the fact remains - you've found somebody you like, somebody you click with, who has potential to be a good partner, and who IS (apparently) ready for a relationship now. And if those feelings continue to grow, I don't see why you shouldn't pursue it rather than wait for somebody who isn't ready for such a relationship. Lex
Thanks for this, Lex. I guess you're right and you just put into words what I already knew (God, this is cheesy). I appreciate your advice.
I agree with what Lex has said, and I'd like to add that if you haven't done so already, you need to figure out what kind of polyamorous you are. If "polyamorous" for you means you'd be open to having relationships with more than one person, but you would also be perfectly happy committing to the right person in a monogamous relationship, then maybe at some point in the future when you're both ready, it's worth pursuing things with A. If "polyamorous" for you means you will never feel fulfilled or satisfied unless you are able to form relationships with more than one person, you need to let go of A so he can find a more compatible match.
I see what you mean. I've been in monogamous relationships before and I didn't feel there was anything missing, so I think I'm more of the first persuasion. You were right to point it out though.
