I've convinced myself that I'm invisible. I'm used to my family ignoring me and I know it's my own fault that I don't really have any friends cuz I keep pushing people away when they get to close ... and I'm not the type of guy to just walk up to someone n make new friends... how does one make friends? aren't you afraid of getting hurt? so yea.. at least I can feel just a lil bit like a superhero this way
I'm pretty much the same way. I have gotten more outgoing but find myself pushing people away when I start to get close to them, since I'm afraid to get hurt. The best way that I have met friends is through school. You could prehaps join a club, group, or sport. Find some hobbies that interest you (if music does) there may be a music club at your school. Start with small talk then that could lead up to you finding out what you have in common with people. Some people may like the genre of music you like, or a sports team, etc. Then hopefully you will find some people who can help bring you out og your shell. I met friends through college that I would go out with, then I would meet people by going out and striking up conversation.
I used to be horrified whether or not people would rejected me. I have been able to overcome it because I realized that even if it doesnt work out, than I still havent lost anything. What do you have to be afraid of? Even if our efforts fail, we are the only ones who will remember it tomorrow. You make friends by reaching out to people, in school, in social areas, in life. Our voices are what serperates us from the crowd. If you have something to say, assert it to people. Be honesty to others and yourself. There was a guy in one of my classes a few years ago, who wrote his entire introduction essay about how he was new and nervous about making new friends, and volunteered to present his essay in front of the class. Now, that takes balls yes, but it did encourage everyone to reach out to him. Now, you dont have to write an essay about this of course. But the moral to the story is that it is unlikely that people will see you if you hide yourself behind walls. He spoke his mind and demanded our attention, and in the end we realized that he was actually a very lovable person. It took me years of breaking out of my shell before I would be the first to say Hello to the people I knew. I was always afraid that they wouldnt even remember me. It seems like a small step, but the message behind it is the most important. Order introductions whether than are handed to you or not. Alot of times people are having the same thoughts as you are, but like you, are unconfortable with speaking up. Is not easy to break out of your shell. But you are the only one who can make the changes. I'm sure you are an amazing person, but people will never see it if you dont show it to them. I hope things do improve (*hug*). EDIT: And Trist has some very good advise. Be sure to sign up for clubs, especially if your school has a club week. I would recommend to, of course join the clubs for hobbies and such, but the clubs for spirit/volunteering/etc are usually very accepting(Socially I mean).
Geordie! Nice to see you posting again! Making friends takes practice, and learning from your mistakes. In developmental psychology, one of the most crucial aspects of learning appropriate social interaction is what's called "consensual validation." It basically means that, when you're in kindergarten or first grade, you behave in a certain way with the friends you hang out with. And kids of that age are pretty unfiltered, so if you do something that isn't appreciated, they'll generally tell you right away... and you learn people don't like that behavior, and stop doing it. That's how most of our social skills develop in elementary school. The problem is... if you're really shy or "invisible", then you don't have as many of those interactions as other kids do, so you don't get the chance to hone your interpersonal skills as well as other kids might. And, unfortunately, the problem becomes additive, because if you don't make friends in first grade, it becomes harder in second... and you don't have as much opportunity to refine your skills, so the deficits become stronger, and you become more shy. So as you get to 17 or 18, many of those early patterns are still there, although most of us learn some adaptive behaviors. But the good news is, it's fairly easy to unlearn them. You just have to find people that will help you do that. You make a pact with them that you know you're a little shy and may be a bit awkward, or push people away, and you ask them to help you by pointing out when you're doing something that might turn people off. You can do that in a therapy group, or an LGBT young adult group, or even with one or two people that you cultivate friendships with. As far as pushing people away... that's a byproduct of deeply held shame. Shame is a deep fear that we aren't worthy of love and belonging, that people won't like us for who we are. So when someone comes along that wants to be our friend, the shame kicks in, and (consciously or unconsciously) we convince ourselves that we're not "good enough" to be their friend, and that they'll eventually leave us. So, to "save us' from the pain of losing that friendship, we push them away first, which gives us some control. An alternate way of handling deep shame is to do the opposite of pushing people away: Be super clingy and jealous, and dig our claws in to keep the other person from leaving us. And that "smothering" behavior tends to have the same effect: through the clingy behavior, we push the other person away from us. The solution is to work on yourself and your shame issues. That's not something you solve overnight. But a good place to start is with the work of Dr. Brené Brown, an amazing, brilliant, and funny researcher who speaks about these issues. Do a Google search for her TED talks (there are three), and take an hour and watch them. If they connect for you, her books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly" will really help you connect with and understand those issues better. There are a couple of other books I'd recommend for you, and I'll PM you about those.
