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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 27th Jan 2008, 03:37 PM   #1
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Default Why don't I want to come out?

I'm a 19 years old guy. I consider myself bisexual.
No one knows about my orientation, and I don't think anyone suspects, since I don't look like the stereotypical gay dude. I've never dated or even kissed a guy, but I'd really like to.
I know for shure that my parents would be extremely supportive if I came out, they are very open minded. My mom even told me that she wouldn't mind if I wasn't straight. Actually the only person in my family who would have issues is my mom's mother. She loves me, and she's the most awesome granny anyone could have, but she's a bit conservative about sexuality, and it would be very hard for her to accept my orientation, although she would eventually.
Yet, I'm afraid of coming out to them. I don't know how to do it, I don't want to deal with the whole situation. I think it would feel akward, at least for me. But on the other side, I want to get this thing off my chest... I want to be me.

With my friends it's a bit different. Some of them wouldn't mind, but I know it would be quite a hard thing to accept for my best friend. He's not homophobic, but he doesn't feel comfortable about gays. I feel like he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, but I don't want to lose his friendship.

I'd also like to have gay/bi friends, but in my town you can only find them in gay bars, and I don't want to go to one of those places.

Well, this is just me making catharsis.
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 03:50 PM   #2
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Change is always hard.
I know it's a big cliche,but you'll know when the time comes, i did. Its best not to beat ourself up about not coming-out,because you know you will eventually,it hard enough living "In" without worrying about being "Out". And i don't know your granmother or your best friend,but don't sell people short. Its crazy how people can just take certain things in and realize,that once they know someone,its not all that hard to accept. But mostly,don't worry about not coming-out,that's no fun. I did for a long time and it just made me feel like a really bad person because i felt like i was lying. I'm still not out to a lot of people,but for me,being out is more on a need-to-know basis. I don't need to come out to the bus driver or the bagger at the grocery store, i just need to come out to the people who care about me and the people who matter.

When i came out to my best friend,a whole lot of nothing changed.

Hope this helped.
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 07:49 PM   #3
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

You can take it slowly... from your post it seems like you do want to come out, you're just not comfortable doing it. The first person is always the hardest, but also the most liberating. If you feel close to one of your gay-friendly friends, choose him/her first and take it from there. If someone else knows, you can take advice from them and share your feelings with them.

About your grandmother: it's too bad she's like that, but it's really not her fault, being raised with that culture and all. You don't have to tell her right now...

Overall, just start with one person you trust and work your way from there. It becomes easier as time goes on and you'll feel much better.
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 08:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Thanks for the comment

I don't feel guilty for not coming out, I want to do it, but I am scared (and I don't have many reasons to feel that way).
It's weird, cause sometimes I feel like I want to tell the truth at least to my parents, but five seconds later I get freaked out just by imagining the situation.

God, it feels good to talk (write actually) about this and get some feedback.
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 08:08 PM   #5
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Quote:
from your post it seems like you do want to come out, you're just not comfortable doing it.
Oops, before I sent the last post, yours wasn't there.
That's exactly how I feel. I've never been the kind of person who shows their feelings, so yeah, this kind of thing is difficult.

And, yeah, I deffinitely need someone to talk about this.
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 08:30 PM   #6
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Windowlicker View Post
With my friends it's a bit different. Some of them wouldn't mind, but I know it would be quite a hard thing to accept for my best friend. He's not homophobic, but he doesn't feel comfortable about gays. I feel like he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, but I don't want to lose his friendship.
Just as long as you don't like your best friend you won't have a problem. When I came out to my best friend I did like him and I told him. We had a falling out because he was afraid of me and felt I had been lying all along. It was absolutely horrible! But after all the bs and beating myself up I actually felt 10x better and was ready to tell some more people. Thats when I moved to PA and eventually told everyone I know in PA.
My friends in OH and FL are still in the dark, though I am sure I will be telling my FL friends soon and working my way back into OH.

If you tell your friend then he might understand. Ask him why he doesn't feel comfortable around gays to get yourself on the subject. Explain to him that gay people are just like you and him, only there is no "choosing" involved in the process. Hopefully if your friend is someone you can trust then he will feel much better about gays, knowing that his best friend is bisexual.

I'm also very non-stereotypical and its very hard to meet guys. I don't have a high voice and I don't talk about "gay" things so unless I told you that I was Bi you would have absolutely no idea. I think I'm gonna wear a pink/blue bracelet or something so I might get a date once in a while from someone who isn't extremely flamboyant.

I really want to tell my parents and my brother. My dad and brother are homophobes, so I'm seeing some bad news from that, but I'll get over it. My mom would probably be all for it though. I'm waiting until I graduate from college cause my parents are helping to pay for school.

From personal experience I would suggest just going to the gay bar and dancing with a few guys. I wouldn't suggest going home with any of them, though. Just to get a taste of what it would be like to be with other guys and not having the world judge you negatively. Oh and ALWAYS wear a condom Hope that helps!
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 08:52 PM   #7
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?



No, fortunately I don't like my friend. I love him, but in the way I would love a sibling if I had one.
I had a crush with a friend once. We were really close, then he moved to another city. That was about 6 years ago. We met again a couple of months ago, and he changed a lot (not in a bad way), so I guess we took different paths (he still looks good)


Oh, and going to a bar is deffinitely not an option. I live in a small town, and everyone here loves gossiping, so a lot of people would find out.
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Old 27th Jan 2008, 09:38 PM   #8
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Hmmm. Go to another town? -_- Say you are meeting an old friend who is visiting from college and tear the bar up
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Old 28th Jan 2008, 09:06 AM   #9
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Actually I've been thinking about doing something like that, but I don't want to go alone.
I also tried some on-line dating sites, but all I get in my area are 40-ish men who only want sex.
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Old 28th Jan 2008, 06:22 PM   #10
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Windowlicker View Post
Actually I've been thinking about doing something like that, but I don't want to go alone.
I also tried some on-line dating sites, but all I get in my area are 40-ish men who only want sex.
That sounds VERY familiar.
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Old 28th Jan 2008, 07:43 PM   #11
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

When I was reading this I noticed an astounding amount of similarities. I feel the same, I really want to come out to parents, who I'm sure would accept me (mum had a gay brother and accepts gays, and dad is accepting though, I think he thinks it's a choice though) My grandparents would accept me (on my mum's side) they had a gay son they accepted him completely. But still it's like every time I mull it over in my head, it still scares the sh** out of me.

Maybe it's the thought of my homophobic friends finding out, and if I came out to anyone at school I'm sure I'd be outed pretty fast. idk, I really want to have gay friends (in real life) and maybe a bf someday but the environment I grew up in was one which it wasn't necessarily the obvious hate, but just the shame that came with "choosing" to be gay and the endless jokes made at it by people who were supposedly accepting of gays. even though gays made them uncomfortable.

Hopefully I won't have to wait to long before I come out to my parents at least. Try and stay strong until you're truly comfortable and remember, you're not alone!
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Old 6th Feb 2008, 07:23 PM   #12
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Hey, I don't know why I never read this thread before, guess I missed it.
I relate too. I think we are in a very similar situation (I mean, most of us are ) I definetly want to come out but I'm totally terrified about what could happen and I don't want to have to deal with any problems that came out of it. I just fear the idea of actually having to go through a hard change in my life (as in every other area, specially relating to people) as a result of me coming out.

I too live in a city in which rumors travel fast. And I mean FAST. And I've never even talked about any of this issues to anyone before coming to EC.
If you want to talk about it I'm here just PM me, we can use the chat rooms.
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Old 7th Feb 2008, 07:44 AM   #13
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

I was in pretty much the same situation a week ago. I came out on Sunday and my parents appreciated the fact that I opened up to them. I was scared about being viewed differently (I knew they wouldn't have too many problems if any at all), but nothing has really been awkward (yet).

Good luck!
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Old 7th Feb 2008, 08:40 AM   #14
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

Orion, check your PM Inbox.

sdc91, nice to hear that everything went well for you, thanks for sharing Hopefully I'll change my situation anytime soon
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Old 8th Feb 2008, 06:54 AM   #15
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

i feel much the same way - i don't think there'd be a particularly negative reaction from anybody, really, but i can't seem to come right out and say it

i have contemplated taking the impersonal facebook 'interested in' approach, though
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Old 8th Feb 2008, 08:41 AM   #16
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Default Re: Why don't I want to come out?

There are other ways to meet people other than at 'gay bars'. Online dating sites aren't so much dating sites as they are 'cruising sites'. You're unlikely to find something meaningful there.

There are other support groups out there though. It's tough to participate in them if your parents don't know though, so that might very well be the first step.

Don't assume that because you tell your parents that you have to tell everyone. See how it goes with them, how you feel, and play it by ear.

At any rate - good luck. We're all rooting for you!
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