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Thinking of the ex/clearing the air?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Janos, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    Hey all, been feeling a bit weird lately again about my latest ex and figured I'd ask you guys what you thought as you've always been good for advice before.
    Well, it's been about 5 months now since we broke up rather badly ( he cheated on me, squandered the second chance I gave him then treated me like shit to get me to dump him so he'd come out of it not feeling like the bad guy...you know the story). I tried to stay friends with him but ended up having to tell him I wasn't ready to forgive and forget just yet and had to regrettably cut contact with him.
    Lately I've found myself thinking a bit more about him again, just when I thought I was almost over it all, even have dreams about him where we're friends like we used to be or re reconcile and go back to being friends...

    Anyway, was out today with a friend and he mentioned that me ex might be moving over to Scotland for University (already knew he got together with a Scottish guy about 5 weeks after we ended). Hearing this made me feel sorta weird...I can't really describe it, a sort of rush of anxiety and a slight sense of loss(?) maybe? But I instantly thought that before he went (he currently lives about 6 miles from me) I should try and contact him to tell him that I wished him the best and hoped he'd do well and not to screw anything up etc. basically to clear the air between us before he leaves (if he is even going) so as not to leave things on a sour note.

    My problems are largely why do I feel like this and should I try and contact him to clear the air before/if he does leave the country? I've almost no way of contacting him (blocked on facebook, deleted his number, not friends on steam or anything) so the only way I could really pass the message on is by getting his number back somehow or re-adding him on steam or whatnot but I don't really know if I want to risk doing that in case it sets me off again remembering everything...
    So I guess...what should I do?
     
  2. Filip

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    I do feel it's a normal sentiment to have. The way things with him ended were messy and (I presume) left quite a bad aftertaste.
    And many, if not most, people really like the idea of a "clean" ending to things, instead of "and then things got too far and just stopped". Much easier not to lay blame or guilt (or wonder whether you could have done anything differently) that way.

    However, in this situation, I'm still going to say it's not a good idea.
    You already tried being friends, you even tried getting back together. Both times, he ended up cheating and being insufferable towards you. In ways that made a misunderstanding totally impossible. You tried to make it work, he decided he'd rather be elsewhere. That's about the clearest message you can get.

    Plus, if you're going to need to put a lot of work in it, it's more likely than not to be a big disappointment. You're probably hoping he'll send something back like "I understand. Thank you. I do want to think of you as a friend". But I think it's more likely than not that he'll not reply at all, and even if he does, that it'll be something he wrote out of politeness rather than out of true desire to be friends.


    So I do think nothing much good can come out of this. You're unlikely to get the closure you seek, and somewhat likely to actually get another disappointment. Too much has happened, and some situations just cannot be salvaged. My best advice is to let him go, try to accept there's some sour notes in any piece of music, and trying to see all of this as a learning experience. You're better off putting more effort into friendships that ARE likely to work out.