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Am I gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Elijah, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. Elijah

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    Hi friends.

    I have arrived in search of input on a particular issue I have regarding my own sexuality and identity. I apologize in advance if this is not the proper place to post such a thread. I have been lurking the past two weeks and as far as I could tell, this is the appropriate subforum.

    I would also like to warn that this is copy-pasted from another place I posted in, because I felt it did not receive adequate attention.

    One last thing before we hop right in to the belly of the beast: I know that ultimately the this is a question only I can truly answer. Regardless, all input is appreciated.

    Soooooo...

    I'm about to turn 18 on wednesday, and I'm male, if any of that is relevant at all. I'm not very masculine at all, but I'm also not really over-the-top feminine.

    I've always been preeeeeetty conflicted about my sexuality. Had a kinda-sorta sexual encounter with a boy when i was younger. Ever since then I've been really off-and-on with the whole liking dudes thing.

    A lot of the time I think I like men, but other times I think I just.. want to like men. Don't ask why, but the idea of being gay kind of really appeals to me. Is that weird? I think that's weird.

    I think I like girls too, but I'm not really 100% on that either. I never really feel any... urges toward them, I guess. I was never big on checking them out and when I'm with other guys, and they're checking out girls together, I just feel really awkward and uncomfortable and feel like I have to fake an attraction to girls. Like yeah, man. She's totally hot. I'd... uh.. I'd really uhm.. do her.

    I had a girlfriend once. I think I was attracted to her, but it wasn't until really after we dated for a while that I was really into it, and it kind of felt contrived. or something.

    I apparently give off gay vibes. My sisters have thought I'm gay for quite a while, and recently a close male friend of mine confronted me and asked. I denied, and he said he didn't really believe me. Even my ex girlfriend (currently my best friend) says sometimes she thinks I'm gay.

    Not that what they think matters, but I mean.. idk.

    Okay, here's where writing this is gonna get kinda super awk.

    When it comes to uhm, masturbatory aid I enjoy both the straight and gay varieties, but after enjoying the gay variety, sometimes I feel kind of dirty afterward, when I know I shouldn't.

    Anyway that's all I really have to say. Wouldn't mind either way, I'd just like to know for sure before I make the leap, you know.
     
  2. Lance

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    Given that information, it does seem like there is a high likelihood that you are probably gay. Not to mention all the other people that are actually in your life that seem to think so as well. As for the porn, when you view the straight kind, do you seem to enjoy looking at the guy more? And also it's pretty normal to feel dirty after masturbating, especially for us LGBT folks since much of society puts it in our heads how wrong and nasty it is to be one of us and also the slight "taboo" of masturbation in general, especially among religious people/families.
     
  3. TwoMethod

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    Welcome to Empty Closets. This is definitely the right sub-forum. A lot of what you're talking about reminds me of myself, and I'll be eighteen in a few months, so we're kind of similar in that respect. As you said: only you can answer this question, but maybe talking of my own experiences will give you some parallels and thoughts about your own life.


    Sometimes I feel the same way. I think it's part of being gay — the whole wanting to be gay — if that makes any sense. I think to myself, why would you want to be part of a minority that is often targeted and bullied and is a minority that doesn't have the same rights as everybody else? But being gay does appeal to me too.

    Human nature is extremely complicated. And thus, so is sexuality. It's definitely not black and white. Alfred Kinsey's Kinsey Scale was one of the first proposals which suggested that very few people are 100% gay or 100% straight, but varying levels of anywhere in between. His scale of 0–6 is probably even too simple. I think a lot of people are like 95% straight and 5% gay. That's why a lot of people experiment in their teens and joke around and stuff.

    Me personally, well while I consider myself gay, I'm not 100% gay. It's more like 90:10 or something. I can look at girls and easily tell if they're attractive (but yeah, talking about it with guys is hard and you have to learn how to pretend) and if a really, really hot girl walked in now, yeah — maybe I would have sex with her. But almost all of my romantic feelings, such as being in a relationship with a guy and marrying someone, they're all about guys. When I'm with people who think I'm straight, they often say things like "did you see her?" about some hot girl, and she's passed me by simply because I'm not looking out for girls on the street. My eyes dart to guys.

    Does any of this seem similar to how you feel? Do you have romantic feelings toward guys? Are you interested in their personalities as well as their bodies?


    I think what they think matters. They are the people important to you — your family and your best friend — so if they get a vibe or a feeling, then maybe it does mean something. After all, they spend a lot of time with you.

    Well that's not awkward at all. For flip's sake: everybody masturbates. Get over it! Sometimes I watch straight porn, but I think I get off on watching the guys more than anything. Are you interested in the girls? If you are, this is probably some of your straight tendencies coming through.

    I think that dirty feeling is probably from not truly accepting that you're gay. Maybe where you live isn't that accepting of LGBT people or you have some negative connotations about your sexuality, even though you "know [you] shouldn't". I think this is fairly normal and it definitely fades with time.
     
  4. Ridiculous

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    When you say 'straight variety,' does it feature a female and a male? How do you feel about it if it's just a solo female?
    What about a solo male?
     
  5. core34510

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    What really made me sure I was gay was sexual attraction. While I may be attracted to some females, I don't want to have sex with them. With guys, I want to touch and feel and there is a sexual attraction.
     
  6. Chip

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    Hi, Elijah, and welcome to EC.

    I concur with Lance that from what you've said it sounds more like you're gay, or on the gay side of bi, than straight.

    It is very common for gay men, as they are in the process of coming to terms with their sexual orientation, to play all sorts of games with themselves to justify that they're really bi, or really straight... but these are often defenses because, honestly, being gay isn't something anyone wants up front. We're fed messages almost from birth that being gay is wrong; gay people are made fun of, laughed at, scorned, and worse, and all sorts of messages in media, organized religion, and elsewhere tell us we're second class or deluded or heathens or worse... so of course that's not something anyone's going to volunteer for.

    If I'm hearing you correctly, you're feeling dirty after masturbating to guys, but not girls. This would be consistent with the shame associated with being gay, and that's a pretty universal feeling that comes from the messages I spoke about above. We fear that we are, at a deep level, unworthy of love and belonging, because we know we'll never "belong" to straight society.

    So what all of that adds up to, for me, is the typical sense of dread or foreboding or shame that washes over us when we realize that we are gay. And that's something deep that we may not be so familiar with at a conscious level. But ultimately, as we learn to love and accept that part of ourselves, we realize that we *do* belong, and we can be loved and welcomed and accepted.

    In your case, I don't think you need to be with a man to know. I think if you simply allow yourself to envision, for a couple of days, that you're actually gay... look at the world that way, watch guys, masturbate thinking of guys... and then spend a couple of days envisioning that you're straight... with the same sort of thing, that should give you a pretty clear picture.
     
  7. Elijah

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    Thank you for the excellent replies!

    It has been said that the reason I am hesitant to decree that I love penises and not vaginal orifices because I have some degree of shame of homosexual tendencies. I disagree.

    Being gay itself isn't my problem with being gay. It's that there's just no way to really take that back if I throw it out there. What if I do gay stuff and whatnot and then realize "oh shit i was wrong, vaginas are definitely preferable in hindsight." I won't really be able to take back the whole gay thing. People will just think I'm going back into the closet. So there's that.

    Another thing about being gay is I'll be locking out about 50% of the population, women. Then the other 50%, men, are mostly not gay. So that would knock us down to like ~5% (I'm not going to look up that actual statistics) And after that, there's an even lower percentage that will be attracted to moi.

    So the odds of finding love aren't so hot. That's pretty sucky, guys.

    Bisexuality is the most likely label that fits me, in my opinion. There is a certain stigma attached to bisexuals though, and not even all homosexuals are accepting of them. They are seen by some as perverted and non-faithful, or simply just gay and afraid to admit it. So there's that, too.
     
  8. knowayout

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    Just wait, do some dating with both sexes and see what you like. Maybe its both, who knows. I personally am attracted to transgender women...talk about confusing!!! Hell, I'm not gay or straight, OR bi. Don't worry about the labels, unless of course you are looking for a "team" to be a member of.

    That's my take. Take it for what its worth.