Bi BF Breakup - need some advice please

I had a year-long relationship with a girl after dating/sleeping with guys before that. I'm currently seeing another guy right now but my attraction to women is as strong as it always was; I do plan on dating girls again in the future, and I'm totally down for LTRs with them. The idea that once you've been with a guy, that's it for life is complete bullshit.

Sounds like he's had much more experience with women. Same sex relationships are newer, more exotic, more exciting right now for him. It's a side of himself that he only got 3 months to use and he probably needs much more time to indulge that before he can settle down with someone. If he got into a lifelong opposite-sex relationship right now he might feel like he missed out and part of his desires never got fully explored.

Question though: did he personally say he was gay, or did his friend say that? His friend sounds like a garden variety biphobic gay guy. You can safely ignore that one.

That said, not sure what the chances are of you two getting back together. He may have fully intended to do that when he said so, but after a few years people tend to drift apart and form new plans. It's likely he'll end up with someone else. Could be a girl, could be a guy, but he wasn't ready for it at the moment. That's the important thing, regardless of the reasons behind it. He wasn't ready for it now. He was totally up for it in the future, but holding him to it in the future is holding on to false hope.

 

The trouble is that there are bisexual men, and there are also gay men who are in denial and don't want to be gay, and cling to the idea of bisexuality as a way of avoiding truly accepting that they are gay.

It's not possible for us to tell which is the case by talking to you. We would have to talk to him.

 

It is highly likely he is being honest, since he has a long history of opposite-sex relationships. No one gayer than a Kinsey 4 is capable of that, barring very rare and extreme cases.

There is nothing in the OP's paragraph to suggest it is the latter. The "BNGL" phenomenon is talked about among gays far more than it actually occurs. Culturally, if this were still the 1970s and being an openly gay man had more stigma than being an openly bi man, there might be a reason to engage in that. Since the 90s ended the reverse has been true, and any man that attempts to use the "bisexual" label as a shield quickly finds that it is a shield of sand that cannot protect them from the tidal waves of skepticism they will face.

As long as the "BNGL" mythos is held up on the podium it's been given within the gay community, it will serve as a way to sow skepticism and paint individuals with a brush of un-trustworthiness and weakness of character. It is a tool for prejudice that denies one minority the right to self-identify. It is a tool for sowing self-doubt, confusion, and depression in kids, and for keeping that many more adults permanently closeted and miserable.

 

That's just not true. I've talked to lots of gay men who dated women for a long time.

A large percentage of gay men once claimed bisexuality. You can't pretend that isn't true just because it isn't convenient.

What I have often seen is that, during the self-acceptance process, many people are the most resistant to the identity that is actually the true one. People who are gay often cling to the idea that maybe they are "just bisexual." People who are bisexual insist that it would be worse to be bisexual, and "just want to know if they are gay or straight." This is a function of denial; they prefer the one that isn't true because the true one is what they are in denial about--it has nothing to do with being gay or being bisexual actually objectively being worse or better. The idea of the one that's true will fill them with dread, and so that's why they feel like the other one would be better.

If he's bisexual, he should not let himself be influenced by his friend so much that he would break up with someone. Obviously, he is not very confident in his identity; if he were, he would not have broken up with HLH. He didn't say that he wanted to explore this new part of his sexuality, you are saying that--what he said is that he is leaving her because it inevitably won't work because he is gay. So he is wavering between gay and bisexual. He is uncertain that his attraction to women is genuine--even though he has a history of relationships with women.

I'm not saying he's gay and not bisexual, but only that it isn't possible for us to know without talking to him personally.

 

I'm sorry. I am confused by how the post is written, so I'll just outline what I have comprehended, and we'll go from there.

1) Your boyfriend was talking to his gay friend, saying that he's falling for you.
2) Gay friend tells your boyfriend that he's actually gay (not bisexual), and that he should dump you.

Or is it that your boyfriend told his gay friend that he's gay?

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Now, this is just one bisexual opinion here, so take it not as data but a reference. It's been my experience that we like to experiment and actively avoid long term relationships until we believe we've finished our exploration involving people with the genders of our interest. Therefore, while it is definitely possible to have a committed relationship with bisexual folks, it is less likely to happen when those individuals are in their experimentation phase, because they feel, or think that they will come to feel, that they missed out.

 

And what makes you think they're any more honest about their identity now, as opposed to before? A decent percentage of bisexuals once identified as gay. And it's quite likely that a good percentage of them identify as gay or straight all throughout their lives.

I would have to be a real ass to tell every gay person that comes to this site worried about their opposite-sex crushes that "I've talked to lots of bisexuals who were in your situation a few years ago". That is presumptuous. That is forcing my own narrative on someone else. There are experiences that I simply cannot understand or relate to, and I leave it up to people who are more qualified to speak from a similar place to help others out.

Sure, some people are lying. What I've found is that it doesn't matter. Other people don't fully understand themselves yet. You and I are not the sex detectives whose job it is to suss them out, and casting suspicion on everyone who identifies a certain way in a witch hunt to find these individuals makes ALL of their lives more difficult. If her boyfriend comes to the site asking for help, feel free to probe his mind, but since he isn't here, it's bullying to jump to the conclusion that he's gay, which is a conclusion a lot of people jump to whenever a bi guy breaks up with a girl.

Most of the BNGLs don't keep the bi label for more than 6 months. Note this study which shows that about a third of all people who identified as bisexual in their teens switched to a gay identity. After 6 months, that trend tapers off. It also shows that most of the ones who identified as bi before identifying as gay don't willingly seek out serious hetero relationships after coming out, and for every 3 Bi-now-gay-laters there's about 1 Gay-now-bi-later. On top of that, it shows that gender differences for these trends are negligible.

How does this relate to the boyfriend of the OP?

That he has had numerous relationships with women and has identified as bi for much longer than 6 months is evidence that he is sincere. I understand the concept of the "one in a thousand". I'm well aware that some people with a strong preference in one direction are capable of dating an incidental opposite-sex crush. But the tremendous difficulty of doing so should drive home the point that someone who dates more and more opposite-sex people is that much less likely to be gay. If your message is that we should still be suspicious, when the hell can we stop being suspicious? At what point does someone finally meet the criteria by which they can enjoy the same level of trust that you do and it is finally safe to date them?

If you were told your identity did not exist for your entire life, would you be confident about it? Confidence is a luxury reserved for people that have a big awesome welcoming community that looks out for them, makes them feel good about themselves, creates safe spaces for them, and constantly fights on their behalf, and even then uncertainty is something people with a strong preference have to deal with.

His friend said he was gay. It really drives home your bias on this issue that you're willing to take a third party's word over his own, and even miscategorize it as his own.

The OP asked whether having a same-sex relationship is a one-way path, whether it means her boyfriend will never get back together with her. My answer is no to the first question: it's not a one-way path. And to the second question: he probably isn't coming back to her, but not for the same reasons. Whenever people plan to cross paths again later it rarely materializes. That should not be seen as indicative of his sexual preference.