I really don’t know where to begin, but here goes... For the last couple of years I have becoming more and more of a recluse, I stopped smoking cannabis as it was giving me and still is, bad anxiety. As soon as I quit, all of the people that used to come around my house stopped coming. They were no longer interested as in reality they were only looking for a free place to smoke cannabis. I wasn’t too bothered by this as I knew deep down this was the case, and in a way I knew it would benefit me in so many ways to wave good bye to them. I’ve also known that I’m gay for as long as I can remember. The next few years that followed I seem to be good at convincing myself that I don’t need anyone and these feelings would eventually go away. In reality however, they’re still very much there. I just tried to bury them, and when they do resurface, they seem to strike twice as hard as before. I recently started a new job in a warehouse near where I live. At first everything remained the same and it didn’t make me feel any better or any worse. I remained in that self delusional world that I didn’t need anyone else to be happy. After a while though, I began to meet new people and develop feelings for someone. The person in question is amazing in every way... The only trouble is, he’s straight and even if he wasn’t, he could do a lot better than me. I just come home and wish so much that things could be different. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I wish I was a girl, I would never have a sex change, I like being a guy and after all, I have always said I can’t help being gay as I was born this way. I would be going against that if I changed how I was born. But that doesn’t make it any easier. If I could have a second chance at life, I would definitely want to be a woman. At least then I could experience love without the difficulties that come with this life, even if it was just for a day. I don’t mean to offend anyone who has had a sex change, I would never judge another person on their personal decisions, but that’s just my personal view of my situation. It’s not really friends I’m looking for, although that would be nice. It’s actually love that I feel like I’m missing. Sometimes I’ll be sitting there watching TV and I’ll start to wonder what it would be like to be cuddled up to someone I love, this always ends in me feeling emotional and I feel like crying. I’ve spoke to people in the past about this, not in as much detail but their response is always “you’re still young, you don’t know what the future holds”, which is a fair response, but the problem is, I’m not worried about the future, I’m worried about the here and now. I want to experience love while I’m still somewhat young (21). Right now I’m torn between two aspects of life, I want so much to be successful and reach my dreams of getting into business, but at the same time I also want so much to experience love. I just feel the two can’t go hand in hand at the moment. I’m not in a position that I can go out and meet people, I work 40 hours a week and I don’t have close friends to go out with at the weekend. Being gay seems to make it so much more difficult as well. I can’t join any local gay/lesbian groups or clubs, because I’m not out to anyone. My family wouldn’t approve, and the type of people that live in this area sure as hell wouldn’t accept it. I feel trapped and alone. The guys I seem to feel attracted to, I may even go as far to say as love in some cases, seem to be way out of my league, what I mean by this is their far too attractive for the likes of me. I know you shouldn’t go on looks, I mean hey that’s what’s causing me all of these problems in the first place, but the sad reality of life is, you can’t help who you fall for. It also doesn’t help that the type of guy I have always had feelings for are straight. It may sound hypercritical, but I don’t find overly camp gay guys attractive. I’m gay for a reason; I like guys to be guys. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, more average than anything. I'm slim, blonde hair and blue eyes, not that it seems to help me at all... I just don’t know what to think... I know they say there’s someone for everyone. But what if there isn’t? Or you miss the opportunity to meet that person? I don’t think I could ever just settle in love, I would have to find the person physically and mentally attractive.
Well, you just described my life, but I am a bit younger. Throughout high school (in my senior year now), I was obsessed with one thing only: being successful. I know what I need to do in college, the steps to get where I want, career outlooks, everything. I have committed myself to doing whatever it takes to get where I want. However, rather recently, I have been thinking about my personal life. I have never had a relationship with anybody, never kissed anybody, nothing. While it's not bothering me that I don't have it presently, it bothers me that I may not ever get these in the future. I know that college is like starting over in a way, so that is a little glimmer of hope, but I worry that I will still be alone, and it depresses me at points. I'm attracted to the same kind of people you are, and it makes life harder indeed. I honestly don't know what somebody like you and I should do about this. All I know is that is does work out for some people. Personally, I know I just need to be patient and keep my career goals on top of my priorities. Patience is key I believe, and I don't think you should feel bad for yourself over it.
Well, I don't really have much advice, but I will say you are super cute and definitely above-average in looks, at least to me. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it, you look great. And you can't help who you fall in love with. Sometimes you might be really attached to a person mentally and then over time become more physically attracted to them. Also stuff usually happens when you're not actively looking for it. Since you don't have much time to go out and meet gay people, what about gay phone apps? Granted most on there are looking for hookups, but there's also some that aren't.
Well, no one ever said that this thing called life is easy. I think and I'm trying to be positive, God gives us only so much that we can handle, and I like to believe that it's a test. We're humans! We're able to handle much more than we like to think. It's possible to get over this hurdle, but you have to believe it first. I know what it's like to hide who you are and it can cause emotional turmoil and overwhelming anxiety. Perhaps, you should start coming out, but very slowly. There's going to be plenty of people who may not be accepting then again there will be plenty of other people who will be accepting. It's a long process, but it's most definitely worth it in the end. Now, if it's unsafe for you to come out then do not. I think once you start exposing who you really are then you'll feel a lot better. You'll be able to make new friends who are like you and in the midst of it all, you will gain more self confidence. And then you will be able to find someone who will love you, but you have to learn to love yourself first.
Well, there's the old line that you can't love others until you love yourself. And while you can debate the truthfulness of that, I think it would be smart for you to continue doing things that get you into the social world--which you have started by getting a job and meeting new people. You say you aren't looking for friends, but making friends and having things to do in your free time are great ways to expand your life. And of course, meeting more people and getting involved in stuff, whether LGBT-related or not, improve your confidence and better your chances of finding love if that's what you want.
Thanks for all your responses. Thanks, I appreciate it, but pictures can be deceiving. I probably don't look as attractive as you think. That's very true what you say about slowly developing feelings for someone you wouldn't expect. The only problem is the fact I still have to deal with a 50/50 chance that the person I develop feelings for is actually gay. Sometimes I feel like it's more of a curse, I get all of these feelings and want to love someone so much, but the other person can never feel the same about me... It's actually driving me crazy with the guy in question. He keeps giving me signs that maybe he is interested, but then he'll say something that makes me think the complete opposite. He has been transferred to my department for the week and I've managed to spend every day with him for the last 3 days, which has been amazing. I have that feeling where you just want to spend every minute of the day with the person, the feeling that you would give up all of your dreams and ambitions if it meant you could spend the rest of your life with them. The problem is, I keep getting completely mixed signals that I don't quite know what to make of. This guy has a girlfriend who he talks about occasionally. Which is the first mixed signal. How could he be interested in me if he has a girlfriend? The second mixed signal and I'm not exaggerating when I say this, he truly is the best looking person I have ever met in my life. He's the type of person you'd imagine seeing on the front of a modeling magazine. Everything about him is perfect, his skin, his hair, his personality, and he smells amazing. So why would someone who could have anyone he wants in the world, want me? This isn't a cry for attention when I say that, I know i'm not the best looking in the world, I'm not looking for people to say I am good looking. I just know that I'm out of his league. The third thing is some of the things he says, like the other day he started to talk about a gay bar (pink punters) that I know a lot of straight people in my area go to. But he then went on to say, "yeah you'll get some guys that come up and ask if you want a good time, but you just gotta tell them you're not into that kind of thing", which makes me think he's trying to tell me he's not interested. However he then went on to say "You just have to accept gay people, they don't choose to be that way". Is that him telling me he knows and he's ok about it? I've never tried to hide it, when all the guys at work go on about their sexual activities with numerous females I keep quiet and don't talk, because i'm not going to bulshit. I also poked him on facebook a couple of weeks ago, which may sound silly but that's the sort of thing you do to someone you like, but he never responded, which is another thing I'm confused about. The last and most important thing is when we're at work, I can't help but to keep looking up now and then and look right at him, and i've noticed a few times he has done the same to me. I think what I really can't get my head around is that I have practically laid my cards on the table, I don't ever lie about having girlfriends or wanting to have sex with a girl. I've poked him on facebook which is a universal sign you like someone, and I always look at him. Yet he still talks to me, and acts as though he's ok with it. It probably would be easier if he just told me to fuck off. Atleast then I would know where I stand... I gave him my number on facebook last night, and today he said he was going to text me. I still haven't heard anything... I just don't know...
