I am cursed. A few months back I finally came to accept I was gay and I told my wife. As I have previously posted my wife has been truly amazing overall but do not think for a minute that coming out has been without much emotional pain. In many ways I feel more connected than I have in the 30 years of knowing her (14 years married). My capacity to be vulnerable has grown immensely over the last few months because I have placed honesty and integrity above all else. This behavior runs totally counter to my years of denial, deceit and one night affairs. Acting selfishly, but with my wife's knowledge, I began seeing another man and I have come to realize I have the capacity and desire to forge a long term, loving relationship. By now you might be saying well, get a divorce and be grateful that you have a wife that's been so supportive. The problem is I cannot for up to another 2 years and you will have to accept that my rationale is sound. I have created a scenario where continuing to date increases my desire to move on and simultaneously creates added emotional hardship and unfairness for my wife and boyfriend. I feel devastated and without much hope tonight. My aspirations outside of reach and I feel incredibly sad, hopeless and cursed. I have read and been told that committing suicide is; a coward's way out, that it is not a solution, it's the ultimate selfish act and many more yet if the pain is so great and the typical solutions ineffective (anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, etc.) who says that suicide isn't a blessing on some level. I want some internal peace and am really tired of fighting my demons.
May I ask why it would take 2 years for you to get a divorce. If you and your wife are both supportive than it should be rather quick. Even if it is so that you have to wait 2 years, if your wife knows about your boyfriend than why dont you talk to her about this. If you have both established that the relationship is over than it shouldnt be too hard to talk out. Either way, please dont harm yourself. You have just come to terms with everything, and of course it will be hard. But you owe it to yourself to keep going, because it is at the time that you truly accept yourself that you really start to live. (*hug*)
The worst part(admitting to your wife that you're gay) is already over and done with. You owe it to yourself to hang in there. You've come a very long way to just throw it out the window at this point. Is moving out and living separate lives, but still "legally" married not an option?
The most beautiful word in the universe is alive. When you're alive, you can do anything, be anyone. Sometimes it feels like there's no way to keep going, like the pain of living is too overwhelming, and you are helpless inside it. Pain is part of being alive, just like fear and love and hope. Remember that that pain goes away, just like any other time you've been hurt, no matter how serious it seems now. You said yourself that it could be another two years of this. How old are you, how long is two years in the whole time you have to be alive? I won't try to stop you. It is your right to make your own decisions. Just remember that if you die, that's it. You don't get any more choices. You've left behind those few years that, on a tiny planet suspended in an infinite universe, you were alive.
Dave, You recently responded to me about the bravery I have as I continue my own journey of hell. I totally get what you are saying about wanting to have that internal peace but suicide is not the answer, I know because many years ago I tried to take that route to cope with my own depression. What my own suicide attempts actually taught me is that yes, there are going to be many times in life where things feel as though all hope is lost but one needs to have faith. During my last major depressive episodes I had read a book titled The Purpose Driven Life. In it the author discussed how that our journey through this world was predetermined long before we were even conceived. All of the elements of that journey, both positive and negative, we're placed along our paths for a specific reason by God for us to learn from that experience (I hope the religious reference does not offend anyone). Many times the lesson we are supposed to learn may not be obvious and that can be very frustrating. In your situation have you thought that perhaps the reason you are on this journey is because of the way in which you have been able to help provide support and encouragement to others like me who share many of your same circumstances. Think about it. While you are trying to deal with your own personal circumstances you took the time to write me and provide me with comfort and support for my situation. That is not the act of a selfish man but that of a man who has so much to give others. I really don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for people like yourself showing me that kind of support To consider suicide when you have so much to offer others would be wrong. I know you are tired of this "rat race" and so desperately want to find some peace with things but taking your life is not the answer. Be strong, believe in yourself, and have faith that better days will come my friend. Ill be keeping you in my thoughts!
