I saw a post on here from someone talking about the same issue after searching google for help, but I want advice unique to my situation. So I'm not entirely sure if I'm Transgender or not, and I need advice on what others think, so here's a bit of history. Ever since I was a little kid, since as far back as I can remember, I've wanted to be a guy. I've had short boyish hair all my life, and I remember at a young age I would always take my shirt off like my big brother and his friends would do (of course before I began to develop) and when I did he freaked out, made me put my shirt back on, and said girls don't do that kind of stuff, only boys can. I remember walking down a hallway at church (yes I used to go to church) and hearing two girls giggling and seeing them look at me, when I overheard one of them say "That boy is cute", I was probably 9 or 10 at the time, hadn't developed at all, and was wearing baggy jeans and a t-shirt, but I also remember smiling about it and not correcting them. I used to always tell my best friend at the time that I wish I was a guy, and when we would play house or dress up, I would be the dad, or brother, or guy friend, whatever. I have always hated wearing dresses/skirts/girly clothes, I hated the way the felt, the way they looked, and believe me when I say I went into severe denial about puberty. I used to live on a block of all boys, and they all felt intimidated by me because I was faster, stronger, and more of a "man" than they were, as they put it. 6-7th grade was kind of my big transition to having long hair, and occasionally wearing girly clothes, to whacking off what hair I'd grown, and wearing only boy clothes. I remember always getting mistaken for a guy, and at first I thought it was offensive, because I remember my mom always getting insulted when someone called me a boy, but over time I stopped caring and welcomed it. 8-9th grade was when I began identifying as a Lesbian. Dating my first girlfriend, the whole nine yards, and I was fine with being a Lesbian and my parents were fully accepting. I kind of pushed the want to be a boy to the back of my mind for a couple of years and decided to just be me. To me that was short hair, guy clothes, trying as hard as possible to hide/bind my chest, and being completely okay when being mistaken for a boy, the only time I corrected someone was when I had to go into the girls restroom. I didn't start legitimately question myself again until a year ago. I go to a group called OpenArms Youth Project, and I have a very good friend who is Transgender. He and I both were planning on being Drag Kings together in their every-other-saturday drag shows, but as I have severe stage fright, only he pulled it off. We both went to the same person about our questioning though, and half-way through I pulled out of the group and pushed all thoughts of being guy-like to the back of my mind. I still wore boy clothes, and suits to dances and formal events of course, I just figured I was what everyone around me was calling a "dyke". For quite a while these thoughts didn't resurface in such large scale, I have still tried to bind (a little hard once your chest grows enough) and appear to be a guy, but I never corrected someone who called me a boy/girl and just let them call me what they call me. I'm extremely uncomfortable with my body. I hate having a chest. In the shower I try to run my hands from my waist to my collar bone and I feel them and I do nothing but wish they were never there, I get out and I have to try everything possible to avoid looking at anything in the mirror, because I hate what I see. I hate having feminine curves, and a soft, rounded feminine jaw-line, and most of all I hate my high-pitched voice. Though for some reason, my bottom parts don't make a difference to me either way. Don't get me wrong, when... *cough* masturbating, I don't feel as though I have the right parts. It's incredibly uncomfortable and I have often caught myself imagining that I have male genitals, but I figure if I have someone who loves me regardless of what's in my pants, then bottom surgery would never really be necessary. I think the only thing holding me back from everything is friends, my family and my girlfriend. I know for a fact that my friends, and my girlfriends FAMILY, would accept me no matter what, and I know my parents will too, but what I'm worried about is my grandparents, my aunt (my great aunt, my moms sister loves me regardless too) and some other relatives. I'm also specifically worried about my girlfriend. She says she's not strictly lesbian, that she falls in love with who she falls in love with, whether it be a boy, or girl, and that's great, but I also know she's had some severe traumatic experiences with males that have caused her to fear them. Overtime she's slowly gotten better about being around guys, but I'm afraid that if I tell her I want to be one, she'll be supportive at first, but start to get scared as I make the transition. Oh god look at me, I'm talking as if I already plan on making the transition and I don't even know if I want to yet. Please help, I need advice :icon_sad:
You sure have lots of symptoms, but remember that only you can know for sure. Even taking psychological tests cannot really determine what's inside your head. The decision belongs to you and until you feel you are ready, you shouldn't force yourself to think about transitioning. It seems that the biggest problem is the thought of hurting your girlfriend. Your transition could end your relationship... but on the other hand, it could make it stronger. Please remember that pretending to be happy can also turn out quite hurtful to the other person... what if you silence your inner pain for a long time, and then finally lose control? Maybe telling her now would be better than telling her in three years. I'm not trying to tell you that it's somehow wrong of you to keep her in the dark. Your situation is tough, but I've heard so many stories of people ending their relationships and marriages in order to transition, that I really think being honest as early as you can is the way to go. However, as I said before, it is all up to you. No one can tell you if you're transgender. Just remember that sometimes you must hurt someone or yourself a little bit to feel better later.
We've discussed something similar before. She knows I want to get top surgery, regardless of whether or not I want to make a full transition, and she told me that if that's what makes me happy, then she will support me 100%. I really like the idea of transitioning, of taking hormones and getting top surgery and finally being able to feel comfortable in my own body, I like looking like a boy, acting like one and doing what they do, and I've always fit in with guys better than girls. I guess that's true, that at this point I'm purely afraid of what she'll think of me afterwards. I may be young, but I love her and I want her to feel comfortable, safe and happy with whoever she is with, even if by misfortune that person is not me. How would I even begin a conversation like that though? I was barely able to start the conversation we had about top surgery, so trying to start one about fully transitioning? I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I'm not really experienced in this, since I've never been in a relationship, but I know starting the talk is actually the hardest. The advice I can give is this: don't wait for others to initiate the talk, for you might wait forever. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best, so maybe just tell her you need to speak about something very important and set up a specific date for that talk? I always find myself motivated by deadlines Besides, if your girlfriend already knows about your will to get the upper body operation... well, you can never be too sure, but I honestly think she won't be very surprised. I mean, do you know many girls who'd like to get mastectomy? I know this is rather hard to take into consideration when you love somebody, but remember that people come and go... there's no guarantee you'll be together forever. She might be the one, but you might also grow apart. However, something that will be with you until the end is your body. Better late than never, sure, but earlier than later is the best.
Only you can determine whether or not you are transgender. Though it definitely sounds like your experiences and feelings are very congruent with that of many transgender people. Obviously I'm going the other direction on this journey, but I can relate to a lot. I would prefer to have female genitalia, but being perceived as female is my top priority. What's in my pants isn't on the top of my radar. This shouldn't really effect your evaluation on whether you are or are not trans. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I think its important you speak to a counselor of some sort about all of this. If your family is at least supportive of you being lesbian, that's a good sign. whether you decide to transition or not, its going to do you a lot of good to speak to a professional about these feelings in person, and the younger you are able to do it, I think the more it will help.
It is hard, if not impossible, to have anything resemble a clear guideline that can help you know whether you are a transgender or not. For some people the realization came very naturally, some people require to be through trials that can break a person to understand that they can't fit in the body they are in no matter what. It is, ultimately, a lonely journey to find yourself. If you want my opinion though, you seems to be very sure of yourself being a transmale. However, your body is your own, and thus, the decision to go through transition or not is something you have to decide.
I'm 17. I actually went to shrink today to get referrals and advice, now I'm not religious and somehow she ended up saying "You're not the only student in this school I see for this, I don't know why you all keep coming through my door but God put me here to love not judge." and I kind of just stood there with a look of, "Was that really just said?" on my face. I'm going to schedule an appointment with my primary care doctor, since he's got several patients in my situation, and see what he can help me do. He's referred several patients to hormone doctors, and he can probably get me in contact with a gender identity therapist. Though I'm still in slight shock over the way my schools shrink was speaking to me, so note to self, my schools shrinks are NOT good at what they do o.o
Yikes, yeah I would definitely share that experiences with your doctor. Although you keep using the term shrink? I'm assuming this is just a guidance counselor correct? I'd be surprised if your high school has a licensed psychologist, but if that was a psychologist who said that to you, something should really be done because that's not an appropriate thing to say to someone coming into you for concerns with gender identity issues. Of course I probably would have gotten a whole lot worse in my Catholic high school... I think talking to your primary care doctor is probably the best course of action. I'm sorry that you had to deal with someone like that.
She's actually not a guidance counselor. My school has a fairly large amount of money, so they've actually hired shrinks and such from other people, they're called the Cre-Oaks counselors, because they cover all of Creek and Okmulgee county here in Oklahoma. I'm going to go to either a principal, or whoever is above her about what she said, and even though I was told she "just doesn't have a filter" regardless it's disrespectful to say stuff like that, on top of the fact that she threw religion in my face, saying I needed to believe that a diety made me the way I am, and to accept myself as God made me. That's when I stood up, and told her goodbye and that I wouldn't be coming back. I'm also going to ease my girlfriend into the subject of me being transgender, rather than kind of dumping it on her in one single conversation, kind of drop hints here and there and build my way up, that way she'll be more likely to expect the actual conversation. Thank you so much for your help and advice everyone, I definitely needed to get some feedback on my situation to help me understand a little better, and I appreciate it
Well I'm glad you had the confidence to tell her off. You keep using this word shrink. I'm assuming you mean this to say they are a psychologist, if this is the case... Is not a viable excuse. Counseling psychologists are supposed to be trained in providing equal and unbiased care to people of all races, faiths, sexual orientations, and gender identities. Unless the client asks the counselor's religious opinions, they should never even be revealed. I wish you the best of luck with coming out to your girl friend. Keep in mind that if she is only attracted to women, it may be hard to accept staying with you if you plan to transition. I've had to undergo a similar situation, so you can if you want someone to talk to about this you can always message me. (*hug*)
I kept saying shrink because that's what she called herself. And thank you for the luck wishes, I guess I'll just see what happens
Update on the situation: I brought up the top surgery with my girlfriend again. She said that it was great and asked when I planned on having it done. I asked if she was okay with it and she proceeded to tell me that she loves me for who I am, that I could completely change gender and it wouldn't change the way she felt about the person inside
Congrats! Your girlfriend sounds like a really nice person. I'm happy for you and I wish you only the best things
