Originally, I was going to place this in the Post Secret thread, even considered doing it anonymously, as I thought it would otherwise come across as a self-pitying attention grabber. However, it would probably be more appropriate here and I'd rather be up front about it [as far as posting it under my username.] -------------------- Just some time ago, while my mother and I were on a walk, I let a comment slip which led to an ever-increasing, tense discussion between us which continued until after we arrived home and which hasn't been resolved still. When I look at myself now, I can only think of my lack of social skills, of experiences and ability to be independent, of planning ahead and friends and so on, and I want to blame her because I feel that I've turned out this way because of things she didn't rather than did do. Something either in myself or upbringing feels like it's been missing, but I can't put my finger on it. But in bringing this up and, effectively, expressing myself as to suggest it's her fault, she says she did her best or how she did 'this' or 'that' or, as she last said to me, talked about what she had to deal with growing up and that she wanted to make sure I had a better life than that. Making me feel terrible, but also as though my feelings are undeserved, unfounded and worthless. At this point, sometimes it appears that I'm inclined towards more negative emotions. Feeling, expressing myself or reacting to it in others [either for or against] anger, depression, sadness, hate, loneliness. Whereas happiness, kindness, friendliness, charity, humor and so on ring false to me, I almost want to say I feel skeptical of them. Not that they can't make me or anyone feel good, but it feels fleeting or phoney. Those former emotions are generally continuous within me or strike deeper [whether in rousing anger or confirming my sense of worthlessness.] My mother is currently the person in my life who I have been the closest to, so what does it say when I find myself questioning my love for her, as though it were based on nothing truly meaningful but just tradition. Just now, we talked a bit before she went up to bed and, long story short, she said, "I'm sorry you feel that way," coldly and added, "I don't know why you act like you hate me so much." Honestly, I think that deep down that I do and that alone bothers me. Right now, I feel so broken. That I don't know love, am incapable of giving it and fear I would be suspicious of anyone who would wish me to receive it from themselves. Sometimes I hate that I was born, I was an unplanned child and I feel I have nothing to offer in lieu of happiness for myself. While I could never harm myself, there are moments where I wish I could just disappear. The only person my life has impacted, if you can say that, is my mother and as mentioned my feelings toward her are in a continual state of confusion. Other than her, no one would truly miss me. To anyone else, I've been fortunate to have what I have and I feel that I've no right to be thinking or acting this way. Any problems of mine are my fault. Something is wrong with me, but I don't know what it is. All I do know is that I need to do something, but I don't think that any real progress will be done until I can finally arrange for a therapist with the local LGBT center which I've wanted to do for weeks but haven't due to transportation issue. I swear that I will do so the next time I go down, I just hope that it will actually help . . .
I think talking to someone at the LGBT center would be a good idea (and if you talk to them to arrange something, they might have a way to help you get there - not guaranteed, but it's worth a shot to ask). Focusing in that closely on a family member for sole support in any given situation may be all fine and good, but when it's the general rule it can be a little isolating. The more people you know, the easier it might become to open up - depending on why, exactly, you have trouble opening up in the first place. As far as your mother's role in your current situation - yes, it is entirely possible to learn unhealthy behaviors from a parent. The same thing happened to me, and while it's healthy to recognize that you learned this behavior over time from a mother or father, it's also important to realize that, at 21, the responsibility now falls on you to take action to do something about it. You're already making a step in that direction, just keep following through. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If you were truly emotionally bankrupt, it wouldn't bother you that you might have negative feelings toward your mother. There is a core of you that still wants to feel good things about people - you'll be able to build on that. And the good feelings you have from time to time might not be phony - they might just be unfamiliar.
Perhaps you feel the way you do (suspicious of love, more inclined to negative emotions) because you're afraid of being vulnerable to those negative emotions. Perhaps you're afraid of the negative emotions catching you off-guard, so you embrace them and reject good emotions because you don't want the negative ones to take you by surprise. When someone's in that situation, it's tempting to take the attitude of "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," to one's emotions. Have you been through any especially emotionally stressful periods in your life? (Anything qualifies regardless of whether it was caused by external stress or internal stress.) Sometimes people might say that they fear their emotions; does that resonate with you at all?
Gravity: Actually, I should mention that they provide a certain number of counseling sessions and was told that they could provide references to LGBT-friendly counselors/therapists as well [at least I remember being told that during the introductory tour.] About having more people is certainly true and I wish I did have more people. My problem was that I wasn't very social during school and my first college experience, less so in the latter than the former. While I did talk with and make a couple friends in the latter years of grade school, even them I never felt particularly close to or connected with. Even though they were nice enough people. And as far as family, I've never been very close with most of my relatives and not much more so with my stepfather and his children, while we were living with them that is. About learned behavior, I feel it's complicated. I wouldn't describe my mother as a bad person, let alone parent, even if I feel she has more negative attributes. I suppose part of the reason I feel so towards her as of late is the energy she gives off much of the time, largely due to the stress in her life at the moment. While I understand what she's going through, I find it often brings me down all the same in the way she carries herself. As well, and perhaps tapping into some of what I mentioned in my OP, she comes across to me as cold and distant at times, even if she's listening to me voicing a concern. Seeming rather stern, terse if she gets upset in such a way that it contrasts sharply with her demeanor, if not undermines it [to me,] when I reflect on the more day-to-day pleasant moments. I mean, I'll think about times when she seems happy and it just rings hollow in comparison to me. It's difficult to explain. I would like to get to a point where I feel I've a truly meaningful relationship with her, and by extension feel that I could have the same with others too. It just bothers me I almost think of her as a 'familiar stranger', so to speak. Owen: I'm not really sure. Certainly I don't want to feel those negative emotions, however I don't believe I'd go so far as to say I fear them. As far as particularly stressful periods of my life, only things I can think of are possibly being teased in school or whenever I especially felt like an outsider, as well as toward the end of the time we were living with my stepfather and his children. I only feel suspicious of love in the sense that I'm unsure whether I've ever truly felt it, so perhaps that doubt has seeped into how I read others' expression of love, compassion and so on. At times it seems an alien emotion to me.
Hi Josh, It seems like you are in a pretty strange place both mentally and in the types of relationships you have. However, although I don't want to try and dispense wisdom, I can empathise with you because I have previously been standing on the tube platform and idly wandered if anybody would really care if I just became another 'one under' statistic for London Underground. I know how you feel and it is really crap. My opinion on the matter is that if the world feels against you then it is up to you to crawl out of this wierd hole. I am not saying don't seek outside help but treat as if nobody is going to help you unless you ask. As per your relationship with your mother, I don't think that any parent never makes mistakes and most children can look back and point out times when they taught the wrong thing. Nobody is perfect and parenting can be incredibly tough at points, it is a feel your way as you go game and mistakes happen. Having said that, I know how you feel when your relationship with a parent becomes incredibly tense to the point where you dont even want to sit in a car with them in case you are forced to have a rubbish conversation just to break the silence:bang:. I would try to bridge the gap - it is likely that both of you are being a little hard for each other so it has to be an effort from both sides. It would be a really great shame to lose that relationship and I know someone who regrets not patching things up with his Dad before he died. As to where you are in your life and also the isse of your depression. I agree that you should go and see someone at the local LGBT centre, it is really good to find people who have likely be in the same 'place' as you at one point in their life. You could also go to gay therapy which may well be offered in your local LGBT centre but their are multiple companies and organisations out there that offer this. Whether it be one to one or a group workshop it is really helpful to speak to people who truly understand your issues as it is unlikely that your friends do, they can also offer steps which you can use to move forward and live your life. Unfortunately, this probably doesn't seem like an exciting prospect for you at the moment and is most effective when fully engaged with but definitely something to consider. Also, have you considered your health? Sounds a little silly but depression can be helped along by a bad diet and lack of exercise. If you eat healthier and feel fitter it is a really good way to start feeling better about life and is a generally underestimated weapon against depression (at least it worked for me). I know of loads of gay running and football clubs (Stonewall Football Club) which could help both with health and finding people to talk to. Finally, and I'm not saying this will bring success, but have you thought about thrashing it out face to face with your mum/other people in your life with whom you are unhappy? I find that issues can really build up between people and nobody is completely sure of what is going on! I may have made a load of assumptions there and please forgive me if I have! But if I have read your post(s) right, then there are ways in which you can patch things up both in relationships and in general life. I really hope this helps.....you're not the only one.
In a sense, about where I am mentally and how my relationships are, that's true but I should mention that what happened yesterday evening isn't common, more of a surge or surfacing of certain vague feelings that I guess I've bottled inside me. Unfortunately, I think I painted a particularly nasty portrait of my mother when I didn't mean to and realistically, while there may have been things which could have been done better in my upbringing, not that I'm the one to judge what that would be, after some reflection I believe I was, at least in part, projecting frustration and anger with myself as to where I am in my life and how I've developed, or lack thereof, as a person. If there's anything I "hate" about her, it would've been more accurate to say there may be certain things that especially bother or annoy me rather than as a whole person. All the same, I would like to 'restart' my relationship with my mother, in addition to forming other close relationships as Gravity emphasized. To some extent, I'm not sure quite how, I feel that even though I've come out to her, and this is a feeling which may stretch well before that, I'm withholding from her as well as avoiding trying to actually get to know her beyond the day-to-day chit-chat. And I figure if I want any hope of being able to do so with other people IRL, I should start at home. While I hope that continuing to go to the LGBT youth center will help, I imagine it will mainly be in trying to form friendships with other LGBT people. I'm not sure I will be able to relate to other people's experiences or vice versa, my realization and experiences have been extremely solitary up to this point and neither have I dealt with the emotions of crushes, relationships or homophobia directed towards myself. Of course it's unrealistic to suggest that no one can understand how I've felt, I guess it just seems that like everything else in my life it suffers from a lack of direct experience and knowledge. Nonetheless, I'm surprised that you would suggest it isn't an exciting prospect, in it's own way it does seem so to me!, albeit one which still makes me nervous and reticent. My health has crossed my mind from time to time, and it is something [both in diet and exercise] which I should work on, but I don't know whether correcting that would drastically change my mood in and of itself. I've generally been depressed/mellow/lacking motivation for a great deal of time. The idea of joining a gay sport club, if there is one near me, wouldn't be bad . . . if I actually liked sports. As far as thrashing it out, we sort of did that last night, or at least touched upon that (Haha.) However, even if my mother is giving off some energy or doing something which has or is affecting me negatively, I feel that alot of this is rooted in emotional issues of my own that perhaps only I can change [which a therapist will probably confirm] though exactly how, in accordance with my current circumstances, is still somewhat in the air. [So far as viewing what options are available to me and whatnot in order to meet other people and etc.] There probably are things which need to be discussed between us, but I'm not sure exactly what and I think it'd probably be best to do so after I've started some sort of therapy so that if it were done, it could be done so as 'bloodlessly' as possible (Haha.) If you have made any large assumptions, it's quite alright. It's difficult for me to express exactly what's happening, how I'm feeling, my situation and so on fairly and accurately, so as a result there may be mischaracterisations on my part [in regard to all of the above.] But thank you for taking the time to post such a long response.
I'm glad to hear you're finding some information about counseling - I hope you end up getting in to see someone. As far as the friendships you mention during college - it sounds like you did get out there and meet people, but - and maybe I'm just reading this wrong - it seems like you closed yourself off to them, despite them being, I'm assuming, basically nice people. Did the friendships just never get beyond a casual level, or did something about them discourage you from opening up to them? Do you think there's anything specific that it would take for you to feel comfortable around any given person? I certainly wouldn't describe your mother as a bad person either - apologies if that came across in my last post. I just mean that, if you can tell that she's doing things that are isolating or that make her unhappy, and you can see yourself doing those things as well, then that's a reason to start examining how you're learning these behaviors from her and what you can do to change things. The negative outlook/stress that you describe is something that I suspect many people deal with - this is very similar to some negative behaviors that I learned from my mother, actually. If you're already realizing that there are more pleasant things happening in your lives, and that her mood, for whatever reason, just isn't picking up on them, then you already might be starting to break out of the pattern. Stress can be managed, and sometimes even just the perspective we give ourselves can make a bigger difference than you might think (as well as making it easier to make some external changes too). I'm interested in your last bit here - are you saying that you want to establish a good relationship with your mother *before* doing so with other people? If anything, I suspect that the opposite will be an effective way to go about things - the more people you meet, the easier it will be to start getting along well with your mother. Really, I think that limiting ourselves to being close with *any* one person is a difficult thing to do - it's a lot to ask of anyone for them to be the center of our emotional lives.
To be honest, I actually didn't, technically, make any new friends in college. There was one person, whom I'd originally met my senior year of high school and only got to know more on a few occasions on campus [but he pushed for the friendship rather than I.] Apart from that, I only talked with classmates and never got to know anyone well enough to consider a friendship. And being a commuter, I didn't bother with getting involved in any of the clubs available. However, if I can apply your questions to my grade school experiences . . . no, they didn't. They were usually friendly enough, but most of the time never felt I really clicked with them, you know, like I wanted to hang out with them more. Since the vast majority of those I socialized with I only did so in school, we mostly didn't seem to delve into our personal lives at any great length. No need to apologize. I was just reflecting on how some of the responses were reacting to my statements, as well as what I'd originally said, and felt that I'd painted her worse than intended. In a sense, it's that I'm picking up more on her negativity and it weighs me down more than when she's in a pleasant mood. Generally, she merely seems worn down by her circumstances rather than miserable, just that she can be pushed into the latter on a bad day [as everyone experiences occasionally.] So I'm not sure it's that she's not picking up on the pleasant things in her life, as much as an inability to handle stress, but I don't want to suggest I know any better of course. Oh no, I suppose what I meant is that I'd like to be able to do both more-or-less simultaneously, if possible. Was simply acknowledging that, currently, I feel that I don't have a good relationship and that it seems less a matter of 'getting back' so much as building anew, if that makes sense. Because part of the issue is that I don't feel as close as I used to and I certainly don't want to make her the center of my emotional life. Hopefully I won't have *a* center, so far as the future's concerned, I would very much like to have a circle of people that I feel able to confide in at any given time. UPDATE: Earlier I returned from my meeting at the LGBT center, my second since the first visit several weeks ago. Before the group got together, I was able to speak, briefly, with the project coordinator about my concerns, at least insofar as I could summarize them in as little time as possible. After talking for a bit, he recommended that I check out a therapy center. The great thing is that it's free, as it's run by a local university [he actually mentioned that he's part of the program himself] and so the counselors are graduate students but work with supervisors and, if I remember correctly, there are 'teams?' of people who assist them with the different cases. On top of that, since I have transportation issues for the time being, he said the center is able to provide taxi service to and from appointments, so long as I inform him/them when a given appointment is. Of course, now the scary thing is setting up the appointment (Gulp.)
Funny(well, I guess funny isn´t the right word), but my relationship with my dad are exactly the same you have with your mother. I really cant give you any tips, because, like you, this is a part of my life I´m still trying to understand it.
