im pretty sure that im transgender, i came out to my grandma about a week ago and now i feel like crap. she wont even admit my gender questioning. she even said that i could take estrogen to make me happy to be a girl. i went to a therapist and she said that would just make me feel worse, but my grandma didnt really agree. i know that nobody would actually give a transman estrogen, but it just scares me. it upsets me that she would even suggest something like that. she also wont let me get a binder. im at the end of my rope. i need a binder. i cant even stand to look at myself anymore. i want to cry every time i feel them. im at a christian college now but i live in the same town, i want to avoid her. i dont call her or talk to her, and it makes me feel horrible. she says that she loves me but i just feel so ashamed and guilty. i cant stand to look at her or have her look at me. i dont know how to get over this. im so depressed now. i sleep all day when ever i can. i stay in my dorm at all times. im not even eating any more. yesterday i actually ate, but before that and today i literally am eating nothing. im getting weak. i know that i have to stop this. i need help, but i am in therapy. i feel like she doesnt really understand. shes just a regular therapist however she said that she sees about 5 trans people a year, so she should know something. i dont know, i just feel like everything is completely shutting down. i want to run away where nobody knows me and i can be myself. i guess im just asking for support. i really need someone to just tell me that im not crazy.
You're definitely not crazy. Since you're already seeing a therapist who has some experience with trans people, have you tried talking to her about these feelings, and been as explicit as you were here, including that you feel like she doesn't understand? Sometimes we feel like we have to please people, even our therapists, by refusing to call them out on things, but don't worry - that's their job, they're getting paid to listen to you. So be as honest as humanly possible. Would it be possible to get your grandma to talk with your therapist as well? You could mention the idea to the therapist at least and see what they say. How close are you to your grandma?
I'm so sorry that your grandmother isn't being supportive of you being trans. Her suggesting that you take estrogen is just insensitive and I'm sure she isn't trying to hurt you intentionally. I don't think she understands what you're going through and the extent of it. I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist as they can be really helpful. Avoiding her is probably the best thing to do for right now; I'm know how it feels to have someone who's suppose to love you unconditionally to less than supportive. Being around them just upsets you more. I think it's a good idea to ask her to join in on a session. The first time she should be there just to listen and not to make any judgement. I know it's going to be a little awkward since sessions are confidential. Are there any Trans support groups in your area? Perhaps, finding people who are just like you will help out a lot; you'll be able to gain more confidence. It's going to take some time, but you have to be positive. Otherwise, you're not going to feel any better. Just know that you have us here, at EC anytime you need someone to talk to, I'm here
