How To Support Your Trangendered Girlfriend

Well, first off, welcome to EC Tamaluv7!!! (*hug*) So glad you found us!

First of all, the very first & most important thing you can do, you are already doing - you are there for your partner!!! Transitioning is one of THE most hardest things a person can do, even just coming to terms with being trans is one of the hardest things to do! Trust me, I speak from personal experience right now!!!

Second, be respectful, if your partner as chosen to identify as male - do everything you can to support that choice by acnowledging HIS gender. Things sound to be very early on, but as him if he wants you to refer to him by a male name he has chosen, & ask if he wants you to refer to him as your boyfriend & if e would refer you use male pronouns. It may not be something he is ready for yet, but asking will show you are committed to standing by him no matter what. There WILL be slipups - dont make a huge deal out of it, its all part of getting used to things! It happens to me ALL the time, my parents still arent getting it right most of the time!

Next, try to help him find outlets for trans support, youre awesome, but you wont be able to go this alone anymore than he will. Jump online & see if there are any trans support groups near to you, if not, keep in mind that some LGBT groups are just that - transfriendly! Especially PFLAG! If there arent any groups, or even if there are, social media has been a HUGE help to the trans community, as we have found a place to meet each other & belong & support each other on places like Facebook (esp Facebook). This may be a bit trickier, as most groups are geared towards male-to-female (MTF) instead of female-to-male (FTM), but some groups I belong to, while mostly MTF have a couple FTM members as well, again try PFLAG on FB, youll probably be able to find someone that can help you find a group on FB to help him & yourself as well!

Third, respect his orientation & how he identifies in this respect as well. If he chooses to identify as straight bc he only likes women - that makes him straight! Likewise, try to keep mind that respecting his orientation will also possibly cause you to questions yours - dont worry too much about the labels for either of you too too much. Just focus on your feelings. For a trans person, their identity is largely tied up in how they identify, not just in gender but also in orientation as well sometimes (at least it has been for me). You love him, thats all that matters!

Lastly, dont try to make him feel as if now he has decided he is trans, that he MUST transition NOW. This is a very personal choice for every trans person & not everyone chooses to, just let him know that you are willing to accept any pace is sets for himself!

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now! Hope I was helpful!

NB: If he chooses to go forward with transitioning physically (as I said, not every FTM does necessarily), the best place to start is research. If he is determined to start on hormones, then help him find a therapist that can start the process & recommend hormone replacement therapy (which should always only ever be done under the care of an experienced endocrinologist - buying hormones off the internet is a waste of money & potenntially very dangerous!)

 

im sorta in the same situation that your girlfriend is in. my grandma doesn't understand it so it is good that you support her. let her know that you support her, and if she decides to transition and to change her name and wants to be referred to as he, then just respect that. and dont tell her that she is pretty or something feminine if she really is trans then that will just make her dysphoria worse. also therapy might help. im going to my second session tomorrow and it really helps

 

Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

"Transgender" without the -ed, is the preferred usage, currently.

Ask if he has a male name or would prefer male pronouns; if so, use them. It may be helpful to help him "try out" the pronouns when you are alone together. (It's okay if you mess up sometimes.)

Help him find a therapist that specializes in gender issues.

Be sensitive to his feelings about his female parts, and don't touch him in ways he doesn't like.

Encourage him to dress in clothes that make him feel "right." If he needs a haircut, go with him to a BARBER (seriously, someone who normally cut's men's hair) and provide moral support as your partner makes sure the stylist understands that it is supposed to be a **masculine** haircut. (This can be a difficult situation.)

Get My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely and go through it with him. But you might want to wait for the new edition that is coming out in February: My New Gender Workbook: A Step-by-Step Guide to Achieving World Peace Through Gender Anarchy and Sex Positivity.

Keep track of gender neutral bathrooms. Even if he doesn't need them yet.

 

Just throwing it out there, the slang term would be trans-male.
Side note what is PFLAG? A facebook group?

 

A suggestion to throw in the pile, just like that;
Don't out him as a transgender. Let him do it by himself, at his own pace. That means, he's still going to be a She and your Girlfriend in public, in the face of people, until he's ready to go otherwise.

Also another tip;
When you're alone with him, call him He. Try to slip in a flattery for his male ego here and there; compliment his shoulders, his strength.. you get the idea. It's going to do wonders!
:thewave:

 

'Trans man' without the hyphen actually.

The general rule is treating 'transgender' and 'trans' as adjectives. A trans man is a man that has a different history than a cis man. They're still both men.

... but anyway

Katelynn covered most of the relevant stuff. I can of course recommend a few online communities that are very useful when you're pre-transition or questioning. I benefited greatly from the pool of knowledge in such a place. But if so, I suppose the info needs to be passed through an admin due to the anonymity rules?

The woman I am dating is facing a similar situation to you, and I can tell you from my perspective, that acceptance is only the beginning. If you stick together, that's sort of already in place. But you also need to let him dump his thoughts on you. Me and my GF have had many talks where I just ramble on about the things I'm thinking about and trying to piece together in my head. She will listen and offer insights from an outsider perspective. That is at least important to me. How I see myself is one thing, but I also need to know how other people perceive me. It is especially important in this phase. And it needs to be a person I trust and I know cares for me. If a trans person can have someone like that in their transition, they've struck gold. You can be that gold too.

---------- Post added 13th Sep 2012 at 06:59 PM ----------

Yes, validation. It needs to be sincere, but it is the most valuable thing ever when you know it is.

 

Hello, welcome to EC =)

First of all, I want to start by saying I think its AWESOME that you are coming on here and making a conscious effort to treat your partner the best you can. I don't want you to take my corrections as any anything but information for your sake.

Just transgender actually. I'm not sure where the "ed" comes from, but its pretty common. I don't see it as an issue either way, but some people do get get offended by it.

I think the first thing you can do to make him feel more accepted is to refer to him as a he. Whether he asked you to or not, referring to him with male pronouns and as your boyfriend in private will go MILES towards making him feel more comfortable with themselves and with your relationship. Of course this should be limited to private situations unless your boyfriend explicitly tells you they are comfortable with you referring to them as male in public.

I've been on your boyfriend's side of this situation. I had to come out to my ex-boyfriend as trans (though this was long before I made the decision to transition, it was something I strongly wanted). Going through this myself, here are two pieces of information.

1. Do NOT blame them or feel bad that they did not feel comfortable to talk to someone about this sooner. I first started really questioning if I was transgender at age 12 and never uttered a word about it in person to someone (my ex) until I was 20. Its a hard thing to do and you should not take it personally.

2. BE HONEST! When I came out to my ex he told me he'd love me no matter if I transitioned or not so long as I was happy. He told me after broke up that he just said that to make me feel better, and he couldn't really have been with a woman. Even though we were already broken up, it crushed me, because I felt like no one would stick with me if someone who really cared about me lied to me. It just crushed my hopes about having a functioning relationship. If you are worried about having a relationship with a man, it may hurt him to hear that, but its better than telling him you won't mind and then dumping him for it down the road.

Like I said, just do your best to make her feel like a man. If you two are sexually active make sure to discuss if she has any changes she would feel more comfortable making to your sex life.

My parents still don't know about me being trans, they sent me to Catholic school for 13 years, and won't even accept that I like men. I know that feel. You should look and see if there are any support groups you can go to with her, even if its a bit of a drive. Its done wonders for me.

Also, you could always introduce your boyfriend to this site. It would give them some like minded people to talk to for support.


I hope everything works out with the two of you. Best of luck (*hug*)

 

Kewl