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Help me/rant

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NoName114, Sep 12, 2012.

  1. NoName114

    NoName114 Guest

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    this is a long massive rant, may be graphic

    I never liked being a man, it was always simply there, he has a penis, he's a man. I have grow use to that. However I don't feel like a man at all. I like having a penis and especially when I was younger, only homosexual (male) turned me on. But I absolutely hate being manly, I don't want to be big and/or strong. I don't really want to be this dominate thing. I want to be me. That began the long lasting search, almost a year ago my boyfriend (I love him so much) linked me a song by a band called ladytron, called playgirl. The moment I saw the lead singer, Helen Marine, I knew what I was, everything that I wanted she was like. I really love their music but whenever I hear it I think of me, at least physically being like her, like I was secretly wanted. She doesn't have much of a bust or a high body fat content, she can have a andro. look and also looks very feminine and pretty, something I've longed for. I have lost some weight and I feel better in every way, I do however still want to lose a massive amount more. I don't want to be her or anyone, however her body is very similar to what I would love to have, something I craved that I could be in. Something my boyfriend wouldn't be ashamed of.
    I have on many tries wanted to be more feminine and I always hated being manly, so when I was 12 I got some rope and tried to castrate myself. it failed but it damaged my testicles so they don't work as effective, which means a higher estrogen rate and such. I really looking feminine, not like clothing but as in me, my body, which I have a feminine ish shape which I do like. I just wish I could one day not be me and just be who I am, but I really don't think I could ever be who I feel like I am. People have hit on me, filerted when me and that's all the attention I ever got. with the family I was the pretty one. I never really had a friend, everyone lost interest with me or just wanted to do me and leave ("friends", all of which were girls) I liked, well loved the attention and especially feeling pretty for once. I just literally dread each day alive because I'm not who I feel like I am, it wasn't a model or the singer that made me want to be like that, I can literally remember a time where I was 2 and wanted to look like that. I didn't want to post this on Anon and I'm taking a big risk. Sorry for bothering everyone
     
    #1 NoName114, Sep 12, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2012
  2. Veneficus

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    Oh dear. *hugs* I think you are perfect just the way you are. You don't need to change anything.
     
  3. KaraBulut

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    I'm going to move your post to the Support and Advice forum in hope that you will get more responses from advisors and members who have transgender feelings.
     
  4. NoName114

    NoName114 Guest

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  5. smprob

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    Hi, It's OK to feel like that, you don't have to like your body bc its what you were born with, or you don't have to dislike it bc its not you wanted to have. You are born with it. Its already happened. Mistakes can happen, don't worry about it much, but try to find out if you can change it satisfyingly to what you like it to be, and try to achieve it .
    And surely you're not bothering us, try to discuss all around your situation, - it would help us to understand about you and say something to help you, also it would relax your mind (*hug*)

    I think you have an amazing b/f and also as you've mentioned that you look feminine and pretty, I think you have a lot of things to be happy, even you have some problems now. Keep faith they will fade away. You must have seen that nothing stays unchanged.

    As you've been here for some time, I guess you've seen that there are a lot of people who think like you. Wanting to look different than from born way. Everyone has to find what they really want and find a solution for that

    What we all need is to live happily and as contented as we can be. That's what living is about, right? But remember when we think we want something, first of all we have to carefully understand/clarify exactly what we want. Otherwise we could end up with something we never wanted or not having what we really wanted. So it's always good, if you would try to find more about how you feel and how you want to change in future.

    So if you haven't already a sure answer , how you really want to change your body? How much? you can try to find it more clearly. It would be a need to know when you're ready to go for what you want to have.

    You have enough time for that as You're still very young. You may not be able to do everything now as you like to, but still you may when you become independent from who you depend on. So You should have patience or practise it to wait and work towards how to achieve it.

    Also talking to some other people you think that sounds like you and trying to understanding theirs/ comparing with yours may help in understanding this. But I hope you'd remember to be honest with yourself. Don't try for something only bc everyone else seem to try and think as true or thinking you also may be like them, But decide only bc you want something.

    However, I think you should first try to understand well, that how much you're worried about your looks or about not been born as you wanted, is not going to help in what you're going through. It will just make you suffer but it won't alter your body as you want it to become. Besides that, worries make people look old and not that pretty and so on to bad direction.
    So try to achieve some harmony, peace, do something ( hobbies, music,yoga, meditation...IDK) that would take your mind away from those worries and give you some peace and make you look prettier and ready to achieve what you want.

    Having a calm mind should also help you to understand more clearly than now, what you want to have, as you seem as you have just started to figure out it. and also will give you strength and a clear thinking, to achieve what you want and to make way for it.

    And I think you should try to get some counseling or therapy, if you haven't yet, Try to get help from parents or school. It would help you to deal with your situation more easily. :slight_smile: