How to just be friends?

I've got a problem, and haven't found any similar posts (maybe I didn't look hard enough). The short question is, what's the best way to handle an intense attraction to someone of the same sex that you just want to be friends with? The long version is...

I'm bisexual in attraction, and that's been clear to me since before I started university, but it's uneven. I find most girls attractive, but my attraction to guys is more limited. I'm a boyish type, and in terms of guys I'm only attracted to other boyish guys, and then only rarely. Personality plays a huge part in attraction for me, and I'm most attracted to gentle, caring personalities that tend to be more common in girls. It also helps if they seem interested in me.

Gay/bi guys tend to hit on me pretty often, but I've never done anything with a guy, and haven't got much interest in either doing anything or having a gay relationship, so I've just kept my bisexual feelings to myself, and been straight in practice. My attraction to guys seems to be either nothing or intense, and I'm shy to start with, especially around attractive guys/girls. I usually just end up not interacting with guys I'm attracted to -- not intentionally, I just come off as cold and aloof, because I have to concentrate so hard to say or do anything at all. With girls, it's easier, in part because I've had more practice, and they also seem to have some inkling as to why certain guys behave awkwardly around them at first.

The problem is, there's a guy I've met that I really want to be friends with, but I'm also attracted to him. We met in a class last semester, and are both reltively new and don't know many people. He was really nice, and started off sitting next to me. He seemed to be making efforts to be friendly, but I think I came off the way I usually do in these situations. He started hanging out with the student I share a room with, but I only saw him occasionally, when he stopped by. We still usually said hello when we saw each other, but I just accepted that even though I liked him (in both ways), we wouldn't become friends.

We never talked in detail, so I thought he was only here visiting, but it turns out he's staying, like I am. I met him the other day in a short course, and was really happy to see him. I greeted him with what must have been a huge smile, and he replied in the same way. He again sat next to me, but we didn't talk much. During a break, we started talking a bit, he said some very kind words about me and then our eyes met. It was close to the most intense attraction I've ever felt -- maybe even the most. I started blushing and only managed to babble something that was probably incoherent before walking off back to the class.

After class, a group of us went for food and beer. He sat next to me, and when he pulled in his chair to eat, he also (maybe unintentionally) shifted it closer towards mine, so that our upper arms were touching -- and I had to move my leg to avoid our thighs touching too. I couldn't make more than very brief eye contact, both because I was nervous to start with and because we were in a group and talking to other people, and I was afraid what happened earlier would happen again, but in the middle of a group of people, some of whom we both know.

We talked for some hours, and the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to be close friends. He seems like exactly the sort of close friend I'd like here, both intellectually and just for hanging out. He also mentioned that his girlfriend is still in his home city several hours away. I don't know if he noticed the look of disappointment on my face when he said it, but it actually helped to reduce my attraction a bit, since it pushed me closer to convincing myself that I had been imagining any sort of attraction on his part. It may have also made me seem colder, though, since I became more conscious of not wanting to appear attracted to him, and had to switch to talking to other people when I started feeling something. He moved a little bit away, and started talking more with other people too. By the time we left, it felt like we were drifting apart, and he was going back to his home city the next day anyway.

After I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about him, and how much I wanted to become friends. The next day, I found him on Facebook and added him. The day after, I sent a short FB message saying it was nice to have seen him, and that I hoped to see him again. He responded immediately and after a few minutes of chatting started asking me about what I like to do in my spare time, to exchange phone numbers and invited me to join in an activity with someone we both know. Even just chatting online, I felt all the feelings I've felt before when I've been in love (I'm single right now), and probably as much as in the most intense cases. I had an attraction to another guy I knew once before, but it was nothing like this, and went away completely once I found out he was straight anyway.

Has anyone who's faced a similar problem got any advice? Even if what seemed to me to be signs of attraction weren't all in my mind, and my potential friend is bi-curious or more, I just want to be friends! It seems pretty clear he wants to be friends too, and I keep telling myself that's all it is. Even mostly believing that, I can't stop the attraction. When I next meet him, I don't know how I'm going to concentrate on anything to say. How do bi and gay guys handle things like this with straight male friends, especially when the feelings are intense? With all of my current male friends/acquaintances, there's no attraction at all, so I'm just at a complete loss as to how to handle such intense feelings towards another guy.

 

Thanks for the support Bluebird.

What makes it really hard is that I already ruined one friendship that meant a lot to me. There was a girl in my undergraduate class, and we started talking late in the first year, when one of her friends told me she was from the same city as me. We clicked, and from the start of the second year, we did all the joint work together. I liked her as a person, and thought she was cute (plus thoughtful, sensitive, smart, etc.), but after months of spending a lot of time with her, often just the two of us, I developed a crush. After a year or so of working and talking together almost every day, I started really falling for her. The whole time, she was in a relationship with a guy I liked and respected (they met early in the first year), so I felt horrible for being attracted to her.

When I eventually admitted my feelings at a party, she took it pretty badly. We had both drunk a lot, and she said something about someone else having told her how I was so good looking (which, in my drunken state, I misinterpreted). I think she thought I had been dishonest, and I can understand, since she had been so open about her thoughts and feelings, but I really tried to stop myself falling for her. She might have even thought I was gay, since I was never attracted to anyone else when she was around, and had apparently hidden my attraction to her (at least from her, although I think one or two of our mutual friends might have noticed). Also, one of her closest male friends was semi-closeted (he had a girlfriend, but tended to hit on guys when drunk). Anyway, we worked things out, and in some sense I think I still love her, but it was never the same afterwards, and then we started postgrad studies in different cities.

What's really crazy is I just found out the guy I'm so attracted to has the same birthday as her. If our friendship develops the way it looks like it might, I just don't want the same thing to happen. I don't want to hurt this guy either way (whatever his feelings are -- if only I knew!), and I don't want to lose someone I feel like could become my best friend here (we're both planning to try and work here after we finish).

 

Thanks aj32, I can't tell you how much that helps! :icon_bigg

Do you think your friend ever caught on to your attraction before it went away? That's one of the things I worry about, and it makes me even more nervous. On one hand, I feel like being totally open about everything except my attraction, and showing how much I want to develop our friendship. On the other hand, I'm worried it'll be obvious to my friend (and maybe our mutual acquaintances) how much I like him. If he's straight, I hope he'll just be oblivious to any obvious signs until I can get over it. :icon_redf