1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Being gay on an island of the mind

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by blueg95, Sep 13, 2012.

  1. blueg95

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2012
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hey all,

    I feel alone so I'm trying to reach out to comb the experiences of my fellow Internet surfers to see if I can find out more about people like me.

    I have trouble relating to people my own age (gay or straight), because many are pursuing relationships and all that entails. Meanwhile, I don't really have much interest in one. I would like to be in one in theory but there are some appearance issues, and I am also somewhat set in my ways.

    Although my love life (or lack thereof) made me upset when I was younger, I've come to accept it. All-in-all, I'm pretty happy most of the time. I have a good job, my own apartment, and a nice little setup. I have interests and activities that I enjoy. I'm also lucky to have good friends and family who look out for me. But I have started to feel really alone and frustrated recently.

    To put it mildly, I am of-below average attractiveness. I am fat, hairy, and most importantly, malproportioned. I have very long legs and a short torso, a flabby chest, etc. To give you a pretty good idea, I look very much like someone with Klinefelter's syndrome except much, much hairier.Guys weren't interested in me when I was at a much lower weight, but I'm about 90 pounds heavier now. I walk a lot and I plan on exercising several times a week, but I'm never going to get that into working out. Assuming I'm attracted to 70% of the population, but I can't get people in that portion. I'm not really attracted to the other 30%, and so I don't want to pursue relationships with these people. I don't want to risk hurting anyone's feelings, and besides, at the point that I'm getting with someone I'm not attracted to, why not a woman? I realize there's an emotional aspect to orientation but I feel like I could be in a relationship with a woman.

    Anyway, I'm at the age where a lot of other people are in relationships and pairing off. To be honest, at times I find myself frustrated or resentful. I feel bad feeling that way, so I chide myself. But what I think is really at the root of it is fear of the unknown and isolation. Specifically, not really seeing examples of people who forgo relationships and just live their lives.

    Life is good, but like most people I want to make contact with others that I can relate to and who are in a similar situation. Thus, I'd like to ask for some advice or anecdotes. Does anyone here either have experience living this life themselves, or know of people who have? I'd appreciate any tips for coping, emotionallly, financially, etc. I just want to make sure I'm taking steps to ensure I'm developing into someone who is going to be reasonably self-reliant.
     
  2. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    Hi, there, and a late Welcome to Empty Closets. I'm sorry you didn't get a response sooner; it must have gotten pushed off the first page.

    I think you are mistaken. People are attracted to all kinds of people--whatever you look like, there will be people who are attracted to you, and you will be attracted to some of those people. For example, "hairy" is considered a highly desirable trait for some people, although you seem to think it's repulsive. (Additionally, hair is removable, if you really don't like it. I remove a LOT of hair, seriously. It can be done.)

    It sounds like you might not dress very well or take care of your appearance because of how you feel about it. That is much more likely to be the reason you have a hard time finding partners. A lack of confidence will have a much worse effect than anything about your appearance.

    However, if you are determined not to be in a relationship, that's fine too. You can live just fine without it. Before I realized I was gay, I had sort of come to the conclusion that I didn't need a relationship. And I didn't, and I still don't--I relationship would be nice, but it isn't required for happiness. How do you do it? You just go on not having a relationship, and maintain your friendships as usual. I'm not sure what you're asking about, really, because it isn't very hard.

    But I don't think you really want that. If you really wanted that, you wouldn't feel resentful. So, I think you want to find a relationship. And the first step toward getting what you want is admitting that you want it.
     
  3. Fisnou

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2012
    Messages:
    198
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Sydney
    I'm in the same boat as you and yes, it does suck sometimes! I'm 27 and 90% of my friends are hooked, living together or married... I've been single for 5 years and came out in the last 2 years. I would really like to be in a relationship too but I feel I need to make sure I'm as happy as I can be before I go there. I don't want to drag anyone down with me into depression! So I decided to go see a therapist to try and work on my self-esteem and confidence. I think it's helping. I seem to be hard on myself - like you - and therapy is helping me see things more objectively. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

    Instead of concentrating on things you don't like about yourself, think of the things that you DO like and try and bring those out. I find overweight people just as attractive as slim people if I can see that they're happy with themselves and are genuinely nice and caring. I'm sure I'm not the only one to think that.