This isn't just an introduction. This is the first time I'm being completely honest to anybody. It seems like I have a different story for everyone. I'm always lying. Late at night, it's harder to be alone with my thoughts. Over and over again, I've said I've needed to find myself by myself, but it's not true. I need help. I can admit that to myself now. I was ten when I was first introduced to sex. My brother's best friend, four years older than me, was babysitting me. He was a big, chubby kid who made everybody laugh. I loved being around him. I don't know if he was my first crush, but nevertheless, he gave me my first orgasm. I looked into his eyes, amazed at what had happened. I had blocked this out until recently. I began high school with a reputation as a "player", but there was no truth to that. I charmed women, but never acted on it. Something inside me was afraid to do so. During this time, I had a hint of what I was, but I didn't fully understand. I played baseball and did theater; I became popular. I became busy to forget. During my sophomore year, I met a girl who was the definition of perfection. Long blonde hair, gorgeous smile, blue eyes… she was everything most boys dream of. I became infatuated with her and we dated for almost a year. During my junior year, she moved and shortly after, she was killed in a car accident. This is where I started losing my grip. Marissa was the person who evened me out and who made me feel special. What was left of me was dark. I would get into fist fights, not only to make me feel something, but to suppress what I felt for the same sex. The depression literally was drowning me. I walked around school in a daze. When I felt bad, I didn't want to be a burden on others. I remained silent. My hurt expanded and seemed to seethe through me. One day, I left play practice (for a faked family emergency) and drove for what seemed like forever. I ended up in an office parking lot and sat there, trying to cry. I hadn't cried for six years, and I thought that would heal me. Strong men don't cry. I checked into a ward and for the next two days, I stared at the white walls and lied on the itchy white sheets and felt even more hopeless. But I cried. And when I stopped, I felt whole again. My dad picked me up and my mom came home from her business trip. We ate a solemn dinner, but we talked and I felt close to them for the first time in years. I had always been a private person. I never told them about Marissa or any of what I had felt. My mom sat at the table and she begged me to tell her what was wrong, but I only told her about Marissa. I never mentioned what the other half of my pain was. But when I went upstairs, my mom had written me a note where she expressed her love for me "no matter what I was, gay, straight, or bisexual." I guess mothers always have an intuition. But I never confronted her about it. I just told her thank you for the nice letter. To stifle what I called "my urges", I joined several internet sites and began meeting with strangers for sex. Like the fighting before it, sex was a way to get through and to forget. My senior year, I was on prom court and graduated with a 4.3. I was helped financially and was accepted to a great film/writing program. My friends and family had no idea of what I did at night. Last summer, my ex-girlfriend introduced me to Nick, an actor who has done pretty well for himself in Hollywood. We hit it off immediately and became close. One night I went to a party he threw and we drank and were merry. At 3 a.m, I collapsed on the guest room bed. At 3:30 a.m, he joined me and we got together. It was the first time I've truly enjoyed sex. With Marissa, it was what I should want. With Nick, it was everything I desired. But he's just as closeted as I am, and even more self-loathing. Recently, he called me and told me he was cutting me out of his life because of what he felt. I don't know what to do. I could call Nick a one-time thing, but I know that's not true. He made me feel extraordinary. I know I'm gay, but I can't say the words out loud. Every time I try, my lip quivers and my mouth shuts. I'm afraid of being alone. My best friends still have no idea what I am. My brother is openly homophobic, as are my former teammates. I've lost what faith I had in God. I recall my mom's letter, but I'm still so afraid of being this way. I need to be proud of who I am. I won't be able to move forward. Writing had helped, but it seems like I'm putting on a facade for strangers. I just want to meet someone and when asked, be comfortable to say I'm gay. I can't stifle who I am. Thank you for reading, if you got this far. This was definitely therapeutic
Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets! I'm so sorry that your relationship didn't work out. (*hug*) That can be so hard, especially when you are closeted and so you don't have any emotional support to be going through that. Your mother is AWESOME. Just sayin'. She wrote you a letter. You could write one back to her--that would help you to get past the hurtle of telling someone without having to say it out loud right away. It's a really good thing to have someone that you know supports you. I think she would want to be able to be there for you now that you are hurting. There are lots of examples of Coming Out Letters in the Resources section here. If you post a draft, we can help you with it, as well. Have you considered going into regular counseling, and discussing all this with a therapist? That can be really helpful.
Hey there, and welcome to EC! :smilewave: I must say.. that is quite the background story. I can only offer my admiration that you managed to get through all of that. And it is pretty hopeful that you ended up going for honesty and the path of self-acceptance. It might be somewhat difficult for a bit more, but in the end, I do think it’ll lead for a much better life! Now, I think my first line of advice is going to be similar to Ianthe's: writing letters can help. If writing this to strangers such as ourselves was cathartic, so can writing a letter to someone you know! In fact, when I first came out, I did do so face-to-face. But I had written a letter beforehand. It was in many ways the ultimate "dressed rehearsal". By first taking the time to write it, I had forced my mind to go through: "Dear mom, what I always wanted to tell, but didn't dare, is that I still plan to someday bring someone home. That person will just happen to be a guy instead of a girl". I had also taken the time to already go through all the questions I knew she could possibly ask, and offer answers or offers to talk more later. Then, when telling her, all of that made it much easier to open up. And having the letter in my pocket gave me a good backup for if I couldn't go through with it. If I'd not manage to form the words, I could just grab it and give it to her. (In fact, writing letters is kind of my universal technique. I've written letters to friends, enemies, crushes and family members. None of which I ever sent, but in all cases, the act of writing and getting my thought out there ended up helping me along with whatever problem I had). Note also the wording above. When coming out to my mother, I didn't use "I'm gay", because I didn't feel comfortable with it at the time. I could barely push those words out of my mouth, even when alone. But the important thing was not to say it literally. Making it clear to people in any other way was already a big help. Believe it or not, after they knew I was gay, I suddenly found it much easier to be more and more explicit in the wording. So maybe that's a good place to start. Don't insist on using "gay" immediately, but look in a mirror and say things like "When it comes to relationhips, I prefer guys over girls". Or "I'll definitely end up with a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend". Those are sentences that are much closer to everyday parlance than "I'm gay", and can be used to get more and more comfortable wit the idea. Last, but not least: when coming out or being more open, it's best to focus on one person at a time. Start with the ones most likely to be accepting, and only then consider telling the others. Also, sometimes people do surprise you. My brother could be very homophobic indeed, but when I came out, he became my most ardent supporter. Likewise, my most homophobic friend ended up not having any issues with it at all (even if he still has the doublethink that "Filip is the good gay, unlike those other gays"). So come out to the accepting ones first, but don't believe people are ever a lost cause. in any case: you still have some work to do, but you already made the most important step: the first. And never forget we're here to have your back in all the following steps!
