I don't really expect anyone to reply to this. I'm so fed up with myself. If it were physically possible then I'd try to avoid me. I'm such a coward. I'm in my final year of college and I'm so bloody scared that I might like girls and I don't want to ever tell anyone. Even though EVERYONE I live with is supportive of LGBT people, and two of my housemates are gay, seriously involved in activist work and have been out since they were kids. I keep getting complements from friends saying that it's great how I am always myself and don't act a certain way because others think I should. I absolutely hate that because I hide SO much from them. It makes me feel like a fraud. I can't even trust myself to know what's real anymore. I'm simultaneously holding three contradictory beliefs: 1 I'm definitely straight, what the hell am I doing on this website, it was ok to go on a few times just to be sure but now I'm just wasting everyone's time. 2 I'm probably at least a wee bit bi, enough to appreciate if a girl is good looking, but not enough to end up in a relationship with a girl or anything. 3 I'm not sure if I like guys enough to be in a relationship with one. But I'm not gay. Probably. Maybe I'm just psyching myself out of relationships with guys. I feel worthless a lot. I don't even like writing about myself here because I feel like people are going to judge me for what I say. If I wrote about how horrible I feel about the idea that I might like girls, then everyone here would hate me. Almost every time I come on here I think about deleting my account. And maybe I should because then I could just forget all this. I never really talk about my feelings in real life; I tend to listen to my friends talk about theirs. Having so much of myself out on a public website is unnerving. Even with my friends, if I happen to mention something a bit personal in passing, I almost always end up regretting it and thinking that it must have sounded stupid. I'm definitely going to regret posting this too.
Yeowch. I know how that feels. Just a few points to bring up: How can you be sure that you're not gay? Or bi, even? Yes, the idea terrifies you, but is that because of what it is, or because of all the things it implies? I know that for me, after a certain point, it was less the idea of being attracted to men that bothered me, and more that I'd spent years lying to myself and (more importantly) my friends, whom were all very supportive and whom I trust with my life. I know the line of thought that leads to the whole psyching out bit, too. But hey, if you've managed to make yourself unsure of what's the truth, then there's only really one way to find out, isn't there? Find out how deep the rabbit hole goes, so to speak. Then again, that's just how I handled it, and I'm not normal by any means. :lol: If nothing else, be honest. With yourself and your friends. You'd be surprised just how far that can get you.
I'm really sorry that you are feeling so horribly (*hug*) I won't touch the sexuality subject, but just know that you won't be judged or hated for sharing how uncomfortable you feel with the possibility of being a lesbian. We won't get offended, I promise. We all know how it feels and most of us felt the same dread about our sexualities at one point or another It had to take a lot of guts for you to post this, but please keep on posting. Keep on sharing your thoughts with us in one way or another. Its fine to feel lost.
Is there someone in particular you're attracted to right now? We're all different, but for me that matters a lot. I'm normally bisexual, but when I get a crush on someone, my attraction to anyone else starts to go down. When I really fall for someone, I feel almost perfectly gay or straight, but only attracted to that one person. Last week I felt bi, leaning straight, but after spending some time with a guy I've sort of known for several months, I'm feeling more gay (but he's got a girlfriend). It's happened the opposite way too, which can be really confusing. Hiding attraction (straight or gay) towards friends is hard too. I don't want to upset them or ruin friendships, but it also feels dishonest not to tell them, or to inadvertently seem unfriendly because it's hard to handle the attraction. I guess it depends on the other person, so there's no easy answer. :icon_sad:
I know how you feel. I struggled for many years over my sexuality. I was so scared of liking women that I just refused to admit it to anyone even myself. I suggest you continue searching for your answers. I chose to do what I felt my friends and family wanted me to do. Now I am 32 and stuck in a marriage with a man that is my best friend but I'm miserable because I finally admitted I am gay. Now if I choose to live the life that makes me happy I have to hurt a lot of people that I love. I really wish I had spent more time discovering my sexuality when I was your age. I know it seems impossible right now, but try not to be scared of what you will find. Whether you like guys or girls or both you will be happier with your future if you keep searching for the truth now. Never feel bad for posting how you feel. You are a great person no matter what you decide. Just keep reaching out for support and don't quit searching until you are happy yourself.
