Here follows frustrated ramblings... I am finding it so difficult to talk about my shame. My therapist is great and after nearly 5 months I have made real progress in bringing some painful issues to the surface regarding my dysfunctional family, and finding some peace/understanding or resolution. My therapist knows I am gay. I mention the word gay every now and then but I am struggling to really open up on the subject of my sexuality. I know I need to talk about my shame to move forward but it is so hard to get the words out. I have just finished my weekly hour and today reached a point where I know I now have to do it. I need to stop intellectualising and theorising and start feeling. So next time, I am going to open up more on the subject of me being gay. Wow, it is tiresome. Just sharing. Anyone there feeling similar?! Happy friday all!
Yay for Friday. I wouldnt say I am in exactly the same situation as you but I do understand how you feel (or at least I think I do), Perhaps I am just further down the road. I am pretty much out to everyone and if asked directly I would tell people. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I have just moved in with, my family know and accept everything, however when I meet new people or go into new situations I still have an underlying fear of having to tell people and that me being gay will upset people, cause them to dislike me, or just make things awkward. I totally know that if other people dont like it thats their problem etc, etc, but the underlying feeling is something I have yet to be able to shift completely.
Hi- I feel for you. Our situations may not be the same but I am also interested in learning how to deal with the feelings of shame about my same sex attraction, and how to lessen that. You say it's hard to get the words out, and mention how that it also has to do with dealing with your family dynamic. I just wanted to say I'm around if you have something you want to get off your chest. Best wishes.
Yes, I felt a lot of shame, even for six years after I came out. It takes a while to work through, because it's a basic emotional thing, and not a conscious intellectual thing. It just takes a certain level of reprogramming yourself. At least that's how I felt about it.
I saw a therapist (about general stuff) for other a year and like you was open about being gay but kind of skirted around it. When I raised it as a central issue, he suggested that I could may be find a therapist who was himself gay and/or specialised in sexuality issues. I did that and altho first therapist was great I have progressed much faster and resolved a lot more deep stuff (inc shame and guilt) now I am seeing a gay therapist.... just an idea
Thank you all for your support. I'm pretty okay with where I am at on my journey towards acceptance. I'm just having a day where I am looking up at the mountain and thinking I still have a big climb ahead of me... Silverhalo- What we know and believe to be right and true can sometimes differ from our feelings, right? Thanks for posting, I'm inspired by your positivity. My therapist specialises in sexuality issues and is herself bisexual I believe. I have faith in her and I'm pleased with my progress in the sessions overall. Sometimes though, I know it is necessary to find extra courage. This is where I'm at. A little hurdle.
Shame is a particularly difficult topic to discuss because at its core it is driven by a fundamental belief that we are not worthy of love and belonging. So it makes us feel separated from everyone else, and that feeling exists as much in the therapy room as anywhere else. We fear fully disclosing and being open with our therapist because we feel that he or she too, will reject us. I can completely remember how I tapdanced around my sexual orientation issues with my therapist. My first one, the one time I screwed up all my courage and made an oblique reference to it, completely missed the mark and blew it off. The second grabbed on and helped me talk about it. The one thing shame cannot tolerate, though, is being talked about. So as soon as we start to "speak shame" and discuss the things that are most shameful, we disarm the power that shame has over us. An additional component: Shame is extremely infectious in the therapy room, and Brené Brown, who has spent the last 12 years studying shame and vulnerability, has found in developing her Shame Resilience curriculum, that unless the therapist has directly worked on his or her own shame, that s/he will not be effective in being able to help others with shame issues, because talking about a client's shame tends to bring up the therapist's own shame. Unfortunately, very, very few therapists have actively done work on their own shame. So particularly since you have a good rapport with her and have confidence in her ability, it might be sensible to bring up Dr. Brown's work, ask if she's familar with it, and see if she'd be willing to watch her TED videos and/or read her books. I think both of you would benefit tremendously from becoming familiar with how shame impacts LGBT people in particular, and how the various components of shame, vulnerability, numbing, authenticity, and wholeheartedness all fit together. For women, Dr. Brown's first book, "I Thought It was Just Me" is an excellent place to start. "Daring Greatly", the brand new one, and "Gifts of Imperfection" are also excellent reads, and there is little overlap between them. And if your therapist is interested in more clinical resources, let me know and I can get you some articles and references to her more clinical work.
This is an excellent topic... Shame... Like a giant wall that you just turn your back to and want to ignore... It's strange how my shame came about though, but maybe that's a story for another thread...
This is interesting. I came out to my therapist this week, but then felt uncomfortable talking about it. I hadn't really considered that it was shame, but I think perhapse it was. I felt ashamed about talking about something so personal and (for lack of a better word) abnormal. I mean, I think shame is a bigger issue when talking about being gay because it isn't a shame that everyone feels. Or at least that is my best guess for now.
Everyone has shame, and the less we talk about it, the more we have it. We know this from the research. The only people who don't experience shame are those who have no capacity for empathy So, as Dr. Brown says, you get to choose between accepting you have shame and being a sociopath But, Waterlilly, I think you're quite correct that the majority of LGBT people likely have more shame issues to deal with than the rest of the population for the simple reason that we have all the baggage everyone else has, plus we get an extra serving, courtesy of all the negative messages society and religion and politics (and often, our families) feeds us growing up. Almost everyone, as they start coming out, feels some shame about it because it's something we fear will separate us from others... and all of us have, at times, "counterfeited" our personality to "fit in", which just furthers our sense of shame, because we're essentially proving to ourselves with our actions that we can't be worthy of love if we're authentically who we are around the people that matter to us... including our therapist. So it takes a ton of courage to step into that fear and let ourselves be seen... but it is the antidote to the shame that seeks to control us, and the more we can be open... to our therapists, our parents, our families, our friends, the less impact the shame can have on us.
This is it. It takes a ton of courage. And it is uncomfortable. Thanks Chip and everyone else. I have read The Gifts of Imperfection and I am currently reading I thought it was just me.... Reading the books alone do not cure my shame. I have greater understanding and know what I have to do but the next step is to find that courage and talk about it. I am going to do this.
I'm having a horrible and unproductive moment right now so I have no good advice. Still, I just wanted to chime in to say that I hear you, Rose. So far, I've been dealing with shame and all my other negative emotions by stuffing them down to the extent that I can. I fear letting myself feel these things will cripple me at a time when I have too damn much to do to allow myself that luxury. It may not be healthy or ideal but it is the honest truth about where I'm at right now.
Shame can be soul-crushing, that's for sure! I found that I getting more and more able to just talk about my orientation matter of factly - but not to everyone yet. I haven't seen my counselor lately, but ever since I started seeing her, I decided to just let everything hang out and it's amazing how freeing it is! We're all fortunate to have found EC too! What a fantasic forum! A place to be anonymous with the user names, but even to go more anonymous with in that forum. I look forward to the day when I can just be me to everyone and not worry about the shame. Small steps in that direction help amazingly! 55
UPDATE Thanks for your thoughts 55 and BNQ2012. We are not alone and that sure helps. My weekly session came around yesterday and I felt determined to step forward... Although deeply uncomfortable I did it. Just to say the word gay out loud with much greater frequency is progress. I was able to touch on a subject and time of my life that I have thus far avoided. Now I am already waiting for my next session... I feel better to be making progress again. Talking helps, it is just hard.
Generally speaking, the *fear*of making ourselves vulnerable is worse than actually doing so. And the benefits of doing so are enormous, as you are seeing. Keep up the good work and just keep reminding yourself to keep stretching yourself in what you think you can accomplish
As Chip brought up, I was going to suggest that you look up Brene Brown as well. I've listened to some of her TED talks on YouTube, and they're quite enlightening! You may even want to check out her books.
This business of airing shame is very much alive and kicking and it hurts. This last week has been a tough one. For all the compassion and self-care I'm trying to show myself I'm getting in return mainly feelings of deep pain and discomfort. I'm continuing in the hope that sooner or later the pain will turn to joy if I keep practising living in the best way I can to honour myself and those around me. I'm doing all I can and that has to be enough. I am enough. I know it but I rarely feel enough. Like being gay- I know it is okay but I don't feel it because I have spent 20 years telling myself that it is not okay for me. I will get there- I am determined of that but I'm just having a rubbish time. On with the gratitude, yoga etc etc Thanks all for continued support
