What do I do now?

As a man who has tried to come out a few times to his wife only to be met with an odd lack of understanding, I can relate to that the emptiness of not being as happy as you think you could be in differing circumstances.

But to me those differing circumstances are the keys to managing these feelings. I have plenty of days that I find myself lost in a fantasy world where I made different life choices, and they inevitably steer me down a lonely road. I think the thing to remember is that you are, as you put it, married to your best friend. When I feel they way you do I try to remind myself of the joys of my son and the reasons I first fell in love with my wife. After that, the loss of what might have been your life's great love is just one of those heartaches that makes us human. Sorry if that last bit was a too harsh, but I don't think there is much do to about that part of the problem besides do your best to put it behind you. In this case, you might have to settle for the love of friendship rather than partnership with her.

I do think that there should probably be some communication with your husband about his level of support. I don't advocate leaving or picking fights, but I think it is very important to fully explain how you feel, and more importantly why you feel that way. If he is not being supportive enough, then I think it is important for you to directly tell him that.

By the way, in my opinion, you are not selfish for feeling the way you do. Actions define selfishness, not thought.

 

I guess I just have two comments--First, hang in there. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling as you do. And second, I hear what you're saying about having so much to lose. I still haven't come to terms with that. What did drive me to action of any kind was realizing that I didn't want to wake up one day and be 70 years old, still have those feelings and questions, and have run out of time to look for answers, and the chance to explore my feelings. I can't say what's best for you to, but to pretend that everything is okay when you are clearly not happy is going to be painful for you for as long as you do it. In my experience, it doesn't get easier and it doesn't go away. Best wishes.

 

It may be silly, but I try to follow Polonius’s advice to his son Laertes, in Hamlet:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.​

What’s hard is deciding what to do when the truth may hurt someone else -- like your friend, or your family, especially if they’re religious. At the same time, I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be who you are.

I’m not religious, and grew up in a non-religious environment, but even without religion, I was confused for a while, because different people arouse different feelings: friendship, emotional love, physical attraction, etc, and they often overlap. After I came to understand I was bi, I still wanted to have a ‘normal’ life, and my feelings towards other guys felt awkward, since I know most of them are straight. They were less common too, so I just ignored them. That’s made them harder for me to handle, and prevented some potential friendships.

Was your friend taught the same things about her feelings as you were? That could be a factor. If your attraction is more of an emotional than a physical one, it might be possible to work things out. Does your friend accept your feelings towards her? I know that with me, right now, I have a huge attraction to a guy. There’s a strong sexual attraction, no doubt, which is awkward, but it’s more that I want to know him, to be near him and to go through life together -- not that I have much confidence I could turn him down if he were bi/gay and suggested something more.

What worries me is that your husband blames your friend for your feelings. That seems wrong, especially to her. Maybe it comes from religious beliefs that I can’t understand. Anyway, I think your feelings are a part of you, and your friend’s feelings are a part of her. I hope your husband can come to understand that, and respect both you and her for who you are.

 

Hi aj!
I've just read your thread and can relate to many things you say and feel. I am at a different stage on my journey.

I had my first child when I was very young. I was from a religious background, although not oppressively so, but it did come into play! I was convinced that what little girls did, was grow up, meet a 'handsome prince' get married and have babies - girls in pink, boys in blue - and live happily ever after. So, when I became pregnant aged 17, to my fiance who was the son of the reverend, it seemed clear (not to mention, obligatory!) that we would marry.

2 years later I left him, taking my young son, because I had fallen in love with my best friend! It was a beautiful relationship. We were lovers for around 18 months, never living together as she was away at university, and I remained based a couple of hours away. But we saw each other as often as possible, wrote (yes, letters!) all the time, and were truly, happily in love. But, she wasn't ready to settle down with a kid! To cut a long story short, I felt I had to let her go, because I loved her. We're still good friends, and I know we both sometimes wonder what would have happened if... And at times in my life since, I've lived for the dream that, one day, we'll get another chance.

Meanwhile, I married my husband! He's a good man and would never do anything to hurt me, but - and this is where my experience might be relevant to you - I've spent 15 years hiding from him that, while I'm without doubt the love of his life, the love of mine had happened before I ever met him, and was a woman. It has been so painful, and I can't tell you the number of nights I've lain awake beside him, feeling desolate and alone, sometimes crying silently in the dark, because I knew I'd never feel true love again.

My son, from when I was 18, is now 19 and at university - a bright and successful young man. We have a 13 year old daughter who is in high school. And, three weeks ago, I TOLD MY HUSBAND how I feel!

Seek out my threads if you want to know more about that! But my reason for posting here is that I know how it feels to have to let someone you love go. I know what it is to bury your feelings around your sexuality and 'settle' for friendship. But, don't despair - here's the thing. I said before that I cried sometimes at night. In part that was because I was grieving for the loss of myself - I knew, deep-down that I had suppressed, and locked-away an important part of me, without which I knew I'd never be fulfilled. For many years I became convinced I'd successfully allowed it to die. BUT, that is not the case!! :eusa_danc

Recently I have begun to acknowledge my attraction to women again, and it has been an amazing revelation to me! I convinced myself years ago that there could never be another woman. But I now know that's not so. Now, with my kids at ages where, perhaps, I can claim back some of my freedom, it suddenly feels like there's hope again. This is what has led me to come out to my husband. Of course, I don't feel good about the pain I'm causing him, and there's a long and rocky road ahead of me too, but we have reached the point where we both agree we will separate, eventually, which is progress from my point of view.

What I'm saying to you, aj, is that there is the choice to stay in the marriage,deny how you feel, for a time, and devote yourself and your life to your kids, alongside your husband. This is a huge personal compromise, and if you choose to do it, there are questions to answer, not least about the compromise you'll be asking him , either openly or otherwise, to make. In my experience, and to my great joy recently, although I successfully hid my 'gayness' for many years, it doesn't die! Life is long, and the journey will take you to many unexpected places. Do what you have to do. Be as honest as you can with yourself, and good luck, sweetie!

Bluebird