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Between two worlds

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Electra, Sep 14, 2012.

  1. Electra

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    Dear ECs

    Another post in my ongoing journey as someone 'coming out' slightly later in life (49 yrs old). I have been out to most friends, colleagues and family (apart from my Mum) for just other a year now. I don't regret the decision and indeed I am slightly frustrated and annoyed didn't do it much earlier when I was more 'in my prime'!

    Although I am happy I finally made the decision to be more honest and open with myself and others, I still have regular relapses when find myself by habit going back into the closet (see other posts). However the other thing I am finding is that I am stuck between two worlds. I am so used to living (however falsely) in a straight world with straight friends and I do not want to lose that.. and of course I know I don't need to.

    When I am with other gay people however (I have joined a local walking group and dining group), I feel so different and separate. Everyone else in these groups seems to have been out for many years and are happy talking in what I can only call 'gay banter' - lots of re-counting of great times in the gay scene and conquests they have had. This is another world to me and I am very nervous about becoming part of it. They all seem so confident and self-assured.

    I guess this is harder because of my age, but I feel so niave and almost like a fraud?? Has anyone had similar experiences?
     
  2. PinkTractor

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    Hi--

    I can totally relate to what you're experiencing. I'm completely in a closet, my girlfriend is completely out. She took me to a Pride parade. I had fun at first, then slowly absorbing all the differences in the experience, not only between the two worlds but also between my old perception of myself and the new reality of what my life contained, began to feel somewhat surreal. It felt like George (Seinfeld) having his worlds collide. It was disconcerting, and I did feel on the outside of things. Is that kinda what you mean?
     
  3. Electra

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    Yep. Its like I have made a decision to leave the straight world, by being more 'out' and although my straight friends have not deserted me or changed their attitude or behaviour (in fact all amazingly accepting), I know i am in one way (my sexuality) not like them and see the world through different eyes. Yet I also feel completely separate from the gay world, its rules and etiquette and conventions and what is worse don't have any great motivation or drive to learn them. I am sure there is still a lot of internalised homophobia going on and I know its a long journey. I am sure we will both get there in the end. No one said it was going to be easy