I always knew I was different, and in this case Gay. It was only until last year, where I had my first true "feeling" for someone. A desire, so unspeakable. It was an emotion I have never felt before, possibly an unusual feeling for someone my age. It was very sudden, when all I would think about was him. I never told anyone my feelings for him. My world revolved around him. I slowly started to become depressed. If I couldn't have him, nobody can. It worked like that, for me. The first few weeks of the 7th Grade, I don't think I noticed him. Although, I do remember him sitting next to me on the first day. Around Halloween, I remember being in a horrid, disturbing first love. It was inhuman, I don't know what I was thinking. I felt that, if he didn't exist, I don’t know where I would be. I used him like a drug. He is so pretty, I would find myself in withdrawal, if I didn't stare at him for over a couple of minutes. I stared at him all day, but I wouldn't notice if he ever looked back, or catch him staring at me. My grades noticeably dropped, but I didn't care about my grades, all I cared about was him. I knew he would be mine, no matter what it took. After awhile, I simmered down on the staring and started to notice him stare at me. Every time I looked at him, I noticed him quickly look away, and then peek back if I was looking. I was very oblivious, not thinking If he doesn't like me. In my mind, if I caught him staring at me, that meant he liked me. About a month later, there was an assembly meeting about something, (I don’t remember). Our teacher brought us to our seats, and he sat with his friends in a different class. But, since I'm a a good boy, I sat with my class. He got in trouble, and was told to sit with his class. I overheard this and thought, "FUCK. THERE IS A SEAT NEXT TO ME. WTF DO I DO!" I panicked and my face went blood shot red. Next thing I know, he is sitting next to me. I think we talked a little bit, and he would use lots of curse words, like 'Fuck, shit, bitch, crap', and pretty much said those word after word. Whenever I responded, I don't think he heard anything I said, I was that shy. I wasn't looking at him for a little bit, so i didn't seem obvious that I liked him. Anyways, I went to go stretch, leaning my head back a little bit, and the next thing I know, my head hits his arm. He had his arm wrapped around the top of my chair. I immediately blushed and didn't say a word. I looked at him, and he did one of those, 'Oh crap, what do I do smiles'. I don't remember on from there, but i kept thinking "Oh shit, oh shit, he must like me oh my god someone help me!". The next day In class, I was expecting him to say something about the day before, but never said a word. We continued to stare at each other, sometimes our eyes meeting. It was very hard for me to accept the fact that he might not like me, and just so happens to look my way during class. I was more depressed as the days, weeks, and months went by. Each day, nothing but our eyes meeting. I wanted more. He is very outgoing, he talks to EVERYBODY. He knows everyones name, talks to everyone, has convos with everyone. But has only said a few sentences to me. Occasionally, he would make a joke about something to me, making me laugh. But that's it. This brought me closer to thinking that he might like me. That he was too scared to talk to me. By the end of the year, I started to give up. The love of my life, was not meant for me... I decided to try my hardest not to think about him over the summer, and so I didn't. I forgot about him. I didn't want anything to do with him. I became happier, but my depression sticked, no matter what effect he put on it. September 6th, 2012. The first day of the 8th grade. He is sitting right in front of me. I began to cry, in the inside. I promised myself to forget. But my feelings, actually never went away. Instead, they worsened. He hasn't been off my mind since last week. And I’m not sure what to feel anymore. But, I noticed something peculiar. He totally missed me. I caught him endlessly, so many times the past few days, just point blank STARING at me, not caring if I was looking at him or not. My apologizes, for this lengthy "Essay", but I really just had to get that all out of my system. I have been waiting to do so, for so very long. I've been waiting for him to talk to me. I fear that i will lose him, for never having the guts for saying a word to him, ever. But I see a bright future ahead, hopefully not making the same mistakes last year. And maybe growing the balls to make the first move. We're both waiting for each other to say something. And in all honesty, I don't think neither of us will. We are both too afraid. We are both so self-conscious, we are afraid of what might happen. What people what think. What I will think, what he will think. Are we too young? Is that the reason? Are we both unconsciously agreeing that we should wait just a bit longer, until we both start talking to each other? I'm trying my best to wrap this up, but I can't find a way how. Maybe with a final question. My question is, are we meant to be together? Why won't we say anything to each other? Why are we both so afraid? Some days, I just want to go up to him and say " I love you so much! " It's driving me insane. Is he gay? Does he even like me? Is he just testing the water? (Which is too long for him to be 'testing') Or is it that he is indeed homosexual, but doesn't like me, and is just looking at me for sexual attraction? Help. me. -Suffocation
Well, you've got quite the situation, there! Don't apologize for writing something this long on EC. We need to know that stuff if we're to help you! I've been in something like what you're going through, but it was one-sided. I had (and still have) a huge crush on one of my friends, and I have since seventh grade, just like you. (Btw, I'm a senior now.) I do remember staring at my crush about as much as you did, but I did look away every time he looked back. ^_^' Honestly, I do think that you should wait longer before you make a move. There aren't too many people who are sure of their sexual orientation at this point, and he's most likely one of those people. If he's staring at you, though, that is a good sign that he may be interested in you! Just give it some time, however, and don't try to rush things. I'll give you some advice that I've given on here a couple times. I would start by trying to get to know him better. I know it's extremely hard! Trust me, I know... :icon_redf I'm shy, just like you are, but befriending him is the first step in this type of situation. If you have lunch during the same time as him, go sit at the table he sits at and try to be social with the other people there as well. The more you talk with the others, the more likely you are to be able to talk with him. After you've talked to him a lot, maybe you could try inviting him over to your house or something like that. That'll give you a better atmosphere to get to know him even more. Considering your age, I would wait a long while before you actually approach him about it, but eventually, you'll more than likely tell a couple secrets about yourselves. This is when the time to act is. Like I said, at your age, it would be better to wait, because: The feelings might pass. You may end up finding out that he's not gay and/or not interested in you. I understand the fact that you're probably very impatient and just wanna get it over with. Don't worry, I completely feel ya. But my friend and I are pretty close buds now, and while he and I aren't quite close enough to where we share those kinds of secrets, I'm planning on spilling the beans to him sometime soon 'cause I think we're getting to that point. Now I'm not saying to wait this long. You don't have to wait this long at all, but I would say to give it another six months to a year before you mention anything. Trust me, you'll know when you wanna tell him. I do see you're making assumptions about him liking you, though. I wouldn't do that. The more you assume that he likes you, the more you'll be disappointed when he doesn't. I'm not telling you to think that he isn't, but don't assume so much. Even though the staring is a good sign that he may like you, don't read too much into it so it's easier to be let down. I once had a crush for two years on a straight friend of mine, and I assumed that the guy liked me for about a year and a half of that. During the last six months, I stopped assuming and started hoping. I wasn't nearly as devastated when he told me that he doesn't feel that way about me as I think I would have been had I kept on assuming that he liked me. So hope, don't assume. But I think he likes you. I'm not saying that he does, but there's definitely a good chance there! Well, that's all the advice I have to give. Hopefully it helps you, and good luck! :icon_bigg If this sounds incoherent, though, sorry 'bout that! I tried my best! ^_^'
Okay, first I would like to say thank you. As, I have never really spoken to anyone about being gay. I'm trying my best to make a comment to everything that you said. (bare with me). Mmk, first you said that people my age aren't sure about there sexual orientation. I have a good eye, and can tell who does indeed know there orientation, whether if I know it is straight, gay, bi, lesbian etc. (I know everyone pretty well). And I have a feeling that he does know what he is, but is not a 100% sure. (maybe like 90%). God, he stares at me soooo much. It isn't even every now and then. It's when he has the time to. Yes, that much. And sometimes I'm not sure where he staring at, but he's staring. >.> and about making friends with him, I don't see that ever being possible. :tears: He has all of the friends in the world, and I have very few. I just don't see us 'talking', just because we are so different. (Am I making sense?, lol) And you can forget about him coming over. :help: I will definitely try saying a few hellos, or something like that! And, I would never say anything about me liking him, unless he says something first. Let him do all the work, shall we? P Oh, I totally forgot to mention that I did stop assuming as much. You're right, only hope don't assume. And I understand that, but just the way he looks at me is so peculiar, the look in his eyes, the way he positions himself to me. And his attitude when he is very close to me. He likes to 'show off', knowing that I am there. :eusa_danc thanks, -suffocation
Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this, I had a similar thing happen to me in middle school starting in 6th grade lasting until 9th grade, he was my world, my life, the being my essence. I would think about him ALL the time, and would be very depressed if I did not see him at school for whatever reason, I had to be around him, I wanted him to love me, and I wanted him for the rest of my life. It was a wonderful, beautiful, poetic, and bittersweet thing to have, very sorrowful and frustrating. But. I am a bit older than you, I am in 12th grade now, Listen. You may feel like he is your everything RIGHT NOW, but in time, I PROMISE you probably will feel differently about him. The first couple of weeks of 10th grade, I remember being depressed over him. He would not go away, all I wanted was him. But then, I saw another person and I instantly gravitated toward him, over time, he replaced the other, and I felt so much stronger with this love, it energized me as opposed to drained me, my grades were the best ever and I was one of the top in my class as opposed to failing in middle school. It was the BEST time of my life and I did not really care until recently that he did not love me back so much as long as he was my friend. I made so much more friends, I came out of my shell, I became highly charismic and gained alot of good friends I still have. The love was so powerful for me it empowered me while at the same time was my downfall, my only weakness. You may feel sad now, my advice is to take the time to really see things for how they really are, and not as you want them to be, he may be gay, and he may like you, but, he may also not be gay, and he also may not like you the way you do. If I were you, I would hang out with him if you really want to know, see if he really is gay, or gives indications. And if you want to, over time if your friendship is good and you feel comfortable, you can come out to him. The person I love is very straight and I know that. But he stares at me all the time, he makes a point to mention me, and says he loves me, and gives me hugs, and is always at my side. He is my best friend and my brother. But... not my lover. Try to focus on yourself more, and hobbies, and SCHOOL. Try not to be depressed and let your grades fail, you will regret them later, I promise. Take care of your life and yourself. I can't answer your questions simply, I cannot read his mind and I cannot tell you for sure the situation. So, Go out there, find your answers, take a chance, be brave, love yourself, love others. Ask him questions that could see if he could be gay, see if he is interested in talking about gay things (gay rights, etc) or see if he talks about girls alot with his other friends, this could give a better picture. And maybe, if you feel like you really need to, if you feel like it, tell him the way you feel and see how it goes, be careful though and realize it can come with consequences. If he says he does not like you the way to like him, then you can begin to move on instead of living in what ifs and doubts. And if he likes you back, then great. Good luck on your personal journey.
Thanks a bunch, jvn95. Just wanted to start out saying that my grades are perfectly fine, a failing grade to me is a passing for others, (parents have high expectations of me). And that my depression doesn't focus around him, for the most part. In fact my depression doesn't really match with me not being out and stuff like that. But yes, It is a very tough thing to go through =/ I need a lot more before hanging out with him. Especially since I know very little about him, and he knows little about me. Its really all just looks now, and very little personality. I'm very socially awkward, so even just talking to him, or anyone I don't know is very hard. Plus the fact that I like him, and we all know talking to the person you like is tough. :tears: So, unless I grow the balls to talk to him, he's going to have to make the first move. And I think he knows that too.
I understand everything you just said. Maybe he does like you. I'm not denying that there's that chance. However, I thought my friend and I were polar opposites until I started talking to him more than just in assemblies, in class, etcetera. You'd be surprised how much you may end up having in common. My friend (I'm just gonna call him Z from now on) didn't, and still doesn't, have a big group of friends, but almost all the honors students in the senior/seventh grade class know/knew (respectively) who he is/was. I thought, There's no way he and I could ever become friends. I may as well just give up... till one of my friends helped me get to know him better. I was surprised. We have a lot of the same interests. This may end up being what happens with you. Just don't lose hope, and you may need to step out of your comfort zone. That's the only way I was able to become less of an introvert. And about being able to tell his sexual orientation, you must have a pretty good gaydar! Mine sucks... I seem to only be able to find straight people... so unless Z turns out to be gay, I'm outta luck. But if you're pretty sure about him being gay, then try to go for it, but no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, I would still try to talk to him first. Step out of your comfort zone! I know I've said that twice, but it needs to happen, as scary as it is. And don't let him do all the work. He may end up making a move, but I wouldn't count on it. Trust me, I'm more nervous than heck about coming out to and telling Z how I feel. But if you feel like you want him to know, then it should be done sometime. It doesn't have to be done, but that's the only way you two are gonna know if you're attracted to each other. But again, don't rush things! I hope this helped? ^_^'
Yes, its everything that I wanted to hear. ;D And yes, I have a nice 'gaydar'! It's just so obvious at times. Now, moving out of my comfort zone. That's going to be a tuffy, but I am going to try my hardest. (No pun intended...) Now I just have to wait until Wednesday, when I have school again. Getting to know him won't be hard, as I am friends with some of his. So that's a good step so far, no? But yes, until next wednesday, I am going to make different dialogues that might happen. (yes, its THAT difficult) Like maybe write: Me: Hey Him: Hi -End of Conversation- ;D -suffocation
I wish I had a friend like you! ^_^ That way, I could have an idea about whether or not Z is gay! Yes, that is a good step so far! That's excellent! Like I said, I got to know Z though another friend of mine. Lol, the dialogue there! XD That's what I thought would happen between me and Z! But I wouldn't think too much about what he'll say or what you'll say after you talk to him. Just focus on what you'll say first and wing it from there!
Lol thanks. And yeah, trying my best to make a million different combinations of what might turn out. :3 Thank you soo much for helping me so far. I feel determined, and confident. I hope something happens, because in reality, I think if I make the first move, (even just a hey, can be a first move) something might just happen.! (*hug*) -suffocation
You are so welcome! (*hug*) to you, too! I'm glad I was able to help! You're right, even a "Hey," is a first move. I hope things go well, and if you ever find the need to talk to someone again, remember that the people on EC and I are always here to chat!
