This is my first post on this site! Many more to come I've recently become very confused with my sexuality to the point of sometimes high anxiety. I've already began coming out as gay to family so I'm kind of at the point of no return..I know I'm either gay or bi because I've always like guys even as a child but how can I tell if I'm bi? I get confused constantly when I see a girl because I recognize she is pretty but it's always been a little..something more with someone who's a guy. I'm not particularly disgusted with having sex with someone from the opposite sex but I think I'd just prefer it with the same sex. I'm kind of going through a stage of "if I haven't done it, how do I know I don't like it?"
You are the mirror image of me. I'm not "disgusted", but I do prefer same sex. Questioning my sexuality myself... Me and AlmostOut want answers!
Well, welcome to EC, AlmostOut32! I hope you find the help you're looking for here! Okay, I've been in the exact same position you are. There was a point when I thought I was gay, and while I didn't come out at that point, I understand the confusion. If I were to someday have sex with someone, it would most likely be with the same sex, but I wouldn't mind doing it with the opposite sex. Girls still turn me on to a certain degree. My feelings for women have always been the way that yours are ever since I found out I was attracted to men. It's exactly what you said. I realize that a girl is pretty or hot, but it's even moreso with a boy. In my opinion, you're bi, but pretty high up there on the Kinsey scale, probably like a four or a five. You don't need a label, though. You like who you like. If you want a label, then I'd definitely say you're bi, though.
Thanks for the replies! Maybe I am a little bi. I think I prefer guys, though I don't think it's smart to label myself when I've never experienced anything.
It helps to realize that sexuality exists on a spectrum. If you think of sex as binary (please don't), then it exists on a line. I like to think of it more like a plane or a space. It is possible to occupy a point in that space, but it's a continuous function, not a discrete one. It is actually quite rare to find a Kinsey 3 bisexual. A lot of us lean in a certain direction. Some of us are more on the straight part of that spectrum. I am on the gayer side of that spectrum. It is also quite possible that you're gay and still working through accepting yourself, so it's possible that you'd prefer to accept bisexuality as an intermediate identity. I can't be in your head, so I don't want to label you. I think that you should just take some more time to think about your feelings, and realize that it's a long process. I'd say that altogether it took me eight years to accept myself. (Although many of us are faster; I don't want to hold myself up like I'm the average queer in this regard. I'm maybe even below average as it concerns how long it takes to get comfortable with oneself.) EDIT: I would encourage you not to think that you have to have sexual experiences in order to label yourself. You know what you feel whether you have those experiences or not. I don't understand why it feels like mostly bisexuals are asked "how do you know." While gay and lesbian folks are asked this question too, particularly by insensitive parents, I would venture we get it more. But we can all agree that nobody asks straight people who they know what their sexuality is. They just know. Kind of how I just knew, and other queer folks just know. (Once they fully interrogate themselves, of course.)
My situation is very confusing to even me. I know I'm gay but there's a million questions that I once could dismiss that are constantly cycling through my thoughts such as the "how do I know if I haven't done it". If you asked me not even a year ago I can easily say the obvious "I just know." but now that I'm questioning I feel like I have to analyze every question. My main issue isn't really accepting myself but that I've already accepted myself and began coming out but now fear becoming "less gay", while I know truly I won't end up straight and probably not even bi but I can't seem to shake my silly superstitions.
It is natural to have weird thoughts like this during periods of questioning. I would say I came out and then went through two periods of requestioning (one in which I thought I was straight, and one in which I thought I was gay). Do you think it's that you have a lot invested in being the identity you originally came out as? As much as it really feels "all in" to come out, you don't have to write your sexuality in stone before you finish working through your feelings. In fact, it's better not to.
One thing I do fear is having to re-come out if I end up identifying bisexual. I think this would make those I came out to raise a brow and be confused at the whole thing and it would seem more like a choice to them. Also, if I were to come out bi I think my family would think that means I will settle down with a woman and have a family but I've never desired being intimate or anything with a girl.
"Go with what you know." You know you like men. You aren't sure if you like women or not (but you don't think so). If you meet a woman you want to be with in the future, you will be able to honestly say that it was a surprise to you, and that's why you have to revise how you identify. Many people are thrown back into questioning when they start thinking seriously about coming out. Your unconscious is throwing up barriers to your coming out. Really, I don't think you have any real doubts.
The way I think about it in my mind is almost like a checklist (really stupid I know), but it helped me realize what I was. I started accepting feelings I had for guys, and one friend of mine (gay) tried to convince me I was gay as well, purely so I would leave my gf for him, and I did struggle with this very same question... but I cannot deny my love for woman, and then on the other hand I can't deny my love for guys either... So my little checklist I came up with in my mind to myself, as stupid as it sounds, was basically: Do you find woman sexually appealing? Do you find men sexually appealing? Do you see yourself loving a person of the same gender? Do you see yourself loving a person of a different gender? So I just felt the answers of those questions for me were all yes, so bisexual is me Don't know if this is even helping or I'm just sounding like a lunatic... Now I just feel silly... >_<
That sounds perfectly reasonable to me! Some people might find that other questions may be relevant to them too but this simple rubric makes sense.
Hehe, glad someone found some sense in it.... For me I know there is still a lot more to it than that, but in it's own way it helped me make a start towards truly accepting myself... I though I was some sort of freak or something... Oh how I wish I could have found this site back then already...
Your chart helps a lot. C: I come out as gay obviously. Like you said there's still a lot more but this forum has really helped me with my sexuality and I hope my silly problems don't come back again.
Makes sense to me too. For me, sexual attraction was the easy part. Love was more complex. It was only when I finally decided I could love a guy that I really understood I was bi and not just confused.
