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How I went from gay to straight…and back again

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Caudex, Sep 14, 2012.

  1. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    First, some preliminary information. Sorry if this is too personal, but I'm really seriously questioning stuff right now and I need advice.
    I will first state that I have yet to go through puberty whatsoever. I have yet to feel real sexual urges; however, I feel sexual attraction. I feel there is a slight chance of Klinefelter's syndrome; however, I'm assuming that I'm just a very "late bloomer."
    I have neither orgasmed nor watched pornography nor attempted to masturbate. This is probably a consequence of my delayed pubescence.


    When I was a child, I was possibly the gayest thing since homophobic senators. There was no doubt in anyone's mind. Neither I nor any of my school friends had any idea, but all the adults knew. And my parents most likely had a sneaking suspicion as well. I can look back on younger years and notice the signs: the castigation whenever I said my favorite color was purple--I was forced to "change" it to blue--; the anger whenever I hung out with a friend who was a girl; the profane explosions whenever I did something effeminate, such as using my normal tone of voice, which I had long ago replaced with a more masculine one, or having a limp wrist. Over time, I learned to cope with it in general. I certainly wanted to appear more masculine--I feel like a man trapped in the body of a woman trapped in the body of a man; that is, I display more effeminacy than desirable. Life was generally fine during those early years, except for an isolate incident. A friend in 4th grade had just learned what gay was, and he was unleashing a veritable maelstrom of hatred, saying such things as, "I heard that gay people stick their penis in your butt! Ew!" and, "Can you believe that a guy would like another guy?" I identified with that perfectly. However, things progressed smoothly until 8th grade, when I could deny it no longer: I was gay. I had never liked the idea of a romantic commitment with a woman. This was a huge problem. I therefore embarked upon a journey to become heterosexual. I thought about women constantly. I created entirely virtual conversations in my head involving heterosexuality. As a result, I began feeling straight. I really thought it had worked. However, I then took a break for a while from my "training" and went straight back to gay.
    Now I'm in high school, and I've been slowly "dropping hints", so that my sexuality is slowly revealed only to those at school, but not to my parents; namely, my eraser is rainbow-colored, and I allow myself slight effeminacy. However, recently, something new has been happening. I've started to be interested in girls slightly, to the point where I have a girlfriend. We have not partaken in snu-snu yet, and I don't plan to, but I'm really confused right now.
    My question is: Am I gay or straight? I don't think I'm bisexual, since I have monomaniacal attractions during these phases. However, I might be asexual. Please help!
     
  2. stumble along

    Full Member

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    If you realy dont think you are bisexual then my guess would be gay, if you didnt want a label I'd say that you like guys mostly but if the right girl came around it would be a non issue.

    Snu-snu.. oh man, funny episode