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Sort of accidentally came out to sister... not good

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Silvails52, Sep 14, 2012.

  1. Silvails52

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    My sister is extremely homophobic. Whenever she hears anything about anything gay, she cringes. Anyways, I saw this picture on Facebook. It was Jesus with a bag of weed, saying it was good. I'm a Christian and I was really offended by it and posted a comment. Someone responded to me, saying Christians need to loosen up and not judge and we shouldn't condemn gays to hell. I replied saying I was gay and I didn't judge. That's where I made my mistake... I forgot that anyone could see what I wrote and my sister saw it. She instantly called me, asking if it was true. She could barely say it. "Are you... (long pause) gay? (really quiet) And don't lie to me." What could I do? I had to lie to her. She is a really talkative person and she would tell my parents. I didn't want my family to know. Not yet at least. I told her that I was joking. She responded, saying it wasn't funny. And our mom and dad wouldn't think so either. I tried to calm her down, saying I was serious. I had to lie to her and it was killing me. She seemed to believe me, but I know she's wondering now. She went around my profile and asked about a few things there. I hid my relationship status (I have a boyfriend) and interested in, and I'm sure she noticed they were missing. She hasn't said anything yet, but I'm still worried that when I go back home, she'll be hounding me with questions I can't truthfully answer. So what do I do? I know she suspects something's up but I can't tell her what. Advice? Please?
     
  2. Gen

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    On one hand I want to tell you not to come out until you ready. But I would also like to say too not, not come out because someone is holding you back. So, I would say that if its just a matter of them being upset then tell them, if it is a matter of your financial well-being then I would recommend holding out as much as you need too. But if its just a matter of relationship then just tell them because it will never be the ideal time.
     
  3. Silvails52

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    Well, there are a few problems with telling them. I'm just starting out in college, and I wonder if they'll react badly enough they'l cut tuition. Secondly, they know being gay isn't a choice, but any homosexual act is a sin and disgusting. They would never approve of my boyfriend. At least, for now.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think one thing you could try is really just continue living life, and let some time pass, so that the conversation you had with your sister will just become another part of the past (at least for now).

    If you are having doubts as to whether your parents would still support you financially after you come out to them, it would be a good idea to wait. From what you have mentioned in terms of their belief it doesn't sound like it that they would be totally comfortable/supportive to begin with.

    Once you are ready to come out to your family, you can always go back to the conversation with your sister and pick it up from there.
     
  5. Silvails52

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    But one thing that bugs me is she asked me point-blank and told me not to lie to her. And I lied. She won't be happy no matter what I do.
     
  6. Tails Luver

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    Well, that's quite the situation... I do agree with Gen and Mirko, but I want to give you some encouragement, too! :slight_smile: Like they said, don't come out till you're ready, but if your sister and parents are anything like my parents, their opinions may change. My dad was extremely homophobic. He thought the same thing as your parents and sister. But when I came out to them (by accident... I was pressured into telling them...), he accepted me for who I was. He said that, as Christians, they had been taught to love people for who they are, regardless of stuff like sexual orientation. While I still get the feeling that my dad isn't truly over his homophobia, and while I'm still scared to tell either of my parents about stuff related to it, I know that, in the long run, my parents will still love and accept me for who I am.

    Your parents may very well end up being like my parents. Like I said, don't come out till you're ready, but since your sister said, "And don't lie to me," I think she seriously cares about you, and after a while, it may be a good thing to tell her and your parents. Just something to think about. I hope this helps! ^_^
     
    #6 Tails Luver, Sep 15, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2012
  7. Silvails52

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    She does care... but when she found out abut my first gay crush, she kept telling me how I couldn't be gay. "Christians can't be gay. They just... can't!" She tried to argue with me not to pursue my feelings for him, saying she had small crushes on her friends. But honestly, she has no idea how I felt for him. Anyways, I came home one night and found Dana on the couch, crying. She said she was worried about me. Not because being gay was worrying, the fact that I wanted to pursue it and therefore, go to hell for it. She printed out an entire website, using Bible verses that showed how Christians can never pursue gay relationships. Another site I found uses the same verses but shows how they don't condemn loving relationships... I doubt it would convince her enough.
     
  8. PinkTractor

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    Hi--
    I know this must be so stressful. One thing you said that caught my eye is that no matter what you do, you're sister won't be happy with you. Sadly, that is sometimes the case with some relatives. You're sort of left just trying to find the lesser of two evils when dealing with them. She demanded that you not lie to her, but you know what her stated position on the subject is already, which would make me cautious.
    Not to pry, but is this lie the first and only one you'd have between you? Are you so close, everything else she thinks she knows about you is the truth? For me, that would be a deciding factor in what I told her. If she has in the past been accepting about other aspects of your life she may not approve of, and even one lie feels damaging to that level of closeness, that's one thing. On the other hand, if there are multiple areas where you've told her what she wants to hear to keep the peace, I'd guess your reasons for doing so are valid.
    It sounds as though you could do some damage to your life if things don't go well. I'm not suggesting you do anything but what you feel is right. Just please take your time to decide, because it's a big choice, and you have to live with it afterwards.
     
  9. Tails Luver

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    Okay, I know I'm not that experienced with relatives like that, but I have gotten those types of Bible verses shown to me before. One of my best friends actually kinda hurt me right after I came out to him by doing that. He said he was sorry afterwards... I've even stumbled across websites like those before, but I digress. The point I'm trying to make is to not let it get you down. I think that, if she truly does care about you, she'll understand if you tell her how you feel about it, and maybe if you show her that website, as unlikely as that sounds. The most unlikely routes work sometimes. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Caudex

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    Could you post the link to the website? I'm in need of some laughs.
     
  11. Tails Luver

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  12. Mirko

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    Hi there! I have the feeling you are starting to go down a path where your conversation with your sister becomes something much larger than it was. Try not to get hung up having 'lied' to her. You know the reasons as to why you backed away and gave her the 'safe' answer for now.

    From what you have said so far, and even though she cares, it seems that her religious beliefs will most likely prevent her from being supportive and accepting outright. It might very well take some time for her to come around to it. That said, if she is suspicious or has her feelings that you are gay, that is okay. In fact, it might already give her the opportunity to start coming to terms with it at least at some level.

    For now, try not to stress out about it and don't go looking for verses that will help you to come out to your sister. That only adds more stresses on you, and could make the next conversation even more awkward for you and you might say something you are not ready to say at this point.
     
  13. Silvails52

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    This is the one I want to use: http://www.matthewvines.com/transcript

    And I couldn't find the site my sister used... I don't plan on coming out to my family until after college. So, I'm not actively looking stuff up for them.
     
    #13 Silvails52, Sep 15, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2012
  14. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think it is good that you are taking your time and are waiting with it until you have completed college and perhaps are on your own financial footing.

    If you are not planning on coming out to them, I'd say stop looking up any stuff. Anything that you look up and start reading could bring out new worries, as you are already in someways looking for answers that you could present to your sister/family.

    You know what you want to use. That's great! But maybe for now, leave it one the back burner. Don't think about it. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Tails Luver

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    I'm only a bit into it, but I'm liking that site so far! Good find! I might even use it to help me along. And I seriously hope things end up turning out okay!
     
  16. Ianthe

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    On a positive note, the fact that you posted that you were gay without thinking about who might see it and being paranoid about it means that you are becoming fairly comfortable with yourself. So that's good.

    Your sister already knows that you're gay, really. She just doesn't know that you are "pursuing it."

    Matthew Vines is awesome.
     
  17. Silvails52

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    Yeah, she pretty much knows, but I've been telling her otherwise... >.>

    And yes, Matthew Vines is amazing.