Hi folks, I'm new here but have been trawling through the EC forums hoping to see a situation that resembles the one I have with a close friend. I see some excellent advice being offered but haven’t had much luck in terms of the length of time this has occurred over and I could really use some objective thoughts. Believe it or not, I’ve tried to make this as short as possible but it has turned into a bit of an essay - sorry in advance. In a nutshell, my ‘first love’ (if we can call it that) turned out to be straight and I was rejected. I was 17 at the time and handled things awfully, but I was only just coming to terms with the fact I liked men which my feelings for him helped clarify. Against the odds, my unrequited love and I have remained pretty close friends for 15 years. This is likely because we were living in different cities until recently - it has been a 'distant closeness' I guess and not a proximate one until 2.5 years ago when I started commuting to hometown regularly for work. He is now engaged to a long-term girlfriend who has been a star, settling into a circle of shared friends and acquaintances who, for the most part, have no problem mentioning my past-unrequited feelings for her fiancé in her presence. We’re not kids any more, I care greatly for these two people and want no part in any repeat high-school drama, which is why I’m writing for thoughts on what's the best thing to do with what follows... Recently, I ended a relationship of my own so have been spending even more time in my hometown and seeing my long-time friend more often. The problem is that each time the two of us now hang out we are having issues with “the past” (his choice of words to mean my past feelings for him) all these years later. We were fine for the best part of my time back here, but then at the beginning of this year he pointed out that when we get together (more often than not, for drinks) I always bring "the past" up. We had discussed “the past” previously following him pulling out an old email on his phone that I had sent to him before moving away in 2001 – one email of many that I'd sent him and an email so long and so cringe inducing I never got past the third sentence and wondered where on earth the balls I had when I were 17 had gone. It was humiliating! I thought it best to have things out (presumably he did too having brought up the email) so we talked it out face-to-face. I apologised for the email, for my past actions, for stupidly telling everyone about my feelings for him before even knowing whether he was gay (let alone attracted) and for cutting him off as a friend, briefly, afterwards, to get over it. I even cried a little – a big no-no I know but it just happened. I also made completely clear that I couldn't change the past nor my past feelings for him and that I wouldn't have wanted to have felt them for anyone else. I stand by the fact he is a great guy. But over the months, this accusation of “bringing up the past” has remained. It came up the next time we met following ‘emailgate’ and then again at a gig. I started censoring myself after that but in doing so noticed it was him that was subsequently bringing up "the past" not me! I let it go the first time he did this but called him up on it when he brought us back on topic in front of a group of complete strangers (who, to make matters worse, asked if he were gay) in a bar a few nights ago. This follows two rounds of no contact on both our parts (I think) where I’ve been leaving texts, emails, suggested meetings and so on up to him because I’m feeling a little vulnerable with this whole thing and it just seems to be adding to an already difficult time with my own break-up. When I confronted him a few nights back (about bringing "the past" up again) he also let slip that it gets awkward just the two of us “because of my feelings for him”. Unfortunately, there was no past tense - for want of a better term - in this sentence and he also explained that he’d pulled out of a planned trip because a third guy friend couldn’t go and he couldn’t go it alone with me. He has long had slight anxiety issues so I had booked and planned for a solo trip anyway knowing he would be very unlikely to make it, but this nevertheless hurt and made me feel like a complete predator. "Ego, much?" I thought to myself! I again told him how much I love him as a friend and that as “my first love” he is always going to be special. But because he is straight and has a fiancée I don’t think about him like that or allow myself to contemplate it. I have said this a few times now but it is clear he doesn’t believe me and keeps bringing it up, I guess, for added reassurance? I have no anger towards the guy as he can’t help how he feels but this is a tricky spot and I don’t know what more (if anything) I can do to get past this situation? We are going around in circles now each and every time we meet. I find it unbearable to even think about, but I left him in a taxi a few nights back contemplating whether it was even sensible seeing him again if he’s feeling this way? Regardless of what I do, I feel like a bad guy. I also don’t like the fact that because it was me who confessed one-sided feelings for him in the first place (at 17), the blame for any tension or fall-out between me and him will almost certainly land completely on my side in among shared friends - in much the same way it did in 2001. Ultimately, I gain absolutely nothing but a headache right? At the same time, the thought of not having him in my life after all these years is just horrific – he is someone that pretty much saved me emotionally by lending an ear during some really difficult younger years before my feelings for him even grew, and he credits me with our group of shared friends that got him through some hard times too. Presently, he is one of only two male friends in my hometown who I can just ‘exist’ with (and the only friend I can talk to about this with). I don't think either of us can be as open with anyone else! He also reiterated the last time we saw one another that I’m always the one he thinks to message when he's suddenly got free time on his hands. I guess what I'm asking is what can I do to make all of this go away in the nicest and quickest way possible? What do you think is going through his head/his side of things? Is this situation resolvable? I’d be hugely grateful for any thoughts, especially from people who have been through something similar over such a long period of time? This is weird no? Apologies again for such a long post.
Hm. This is an interesting one. Your friend repeatedly brings up the past, then blames you for it, and makes references to past feelings as if they still exist in the present. He is clearly fixating on this part of your history for some reason. So the question is, what is causing this fixation? I can think of two (maybe three) possibilities, but not knowing your friend, it's impossible for me to say what the cause might actually be. The first possibility is that, because this former infatuation of yours is such public knowledge, maybe he has been teased by other people or had his sexuality questioned, and doesn't feel secure enough in himself to be okay with that. The second possibility is that maybe he does have some deep-seated feelings or attraction to you and it's freaking him out. The only other possibility I can think of is that he might have some kind of anxiety disorder that causes him to fixate on things - you did mention something about anxiety issues. But I'd be more inclined to think it's one of the first two. In terms of resolving the situation, I don't really know what more you can do than what you've already done - trying to be understanding and open with him, and communicating what you're feeling. It sounds like you've let him know that you value his friendship, and tried to reassure him that you no longer feel the same way. Actually, that's one thing that maybe you need to be absolutely sure of - are you sure you no longer feel the same way? Is it possible that you have convinced yourself that you don't in order to salvage the friendship, but that there maybe is still a certain attraction on your part? If so, you might be sending out subtle hints without realizing it. If not - if you're certain your feelings are only platonic - then we're back to the two possibilities above.
