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Using Support Group Meetings as a Vehicle for Coming Out to a Parent

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BNQ2012, Sep 15, 2012.

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  1. BNQ2012

    BNQ2012
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    I am out to a significant portion of my friends at this point but by no means all of them. I figure that will come in time. Right now my biggest concern is how and when to tell my parents. My father is seriously ill and I have not decided whether to bother telling him or not. He is the least likely of the two to be supportive though I don't know whether he'll be upset or just not care. I'm beginning to feels strongly that I need my mother to know what's going on as we have always been the closest and going through dad's illness together has intensified that in a strange way.

    The thought crossed my mind that I might invite her to a meeting of the local PFLAG chapter as a means of broaching the subject. I wonder if it is best to prep her before hand or just tell her what we're going to when we show up. Also, am I likely to be setting a bomb to blow up in my face if I make my coming out to my mom a semi-public event? I'm kind of counting on her reluctance to make scenes or draw attention to herself to blunt any possible negative reaction. Part of me wonders if it is a good idea to just say it one day, give her a pamphlet to read and walk away. :eek:

    Thoughts?
     
    #1 BNQ2012, Sep 15, 2012
  2. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! If you haven't gone to your local PFLAG meeting yet, I think it might be a good idea for you to go first on your own and use it as a means of supporting yourself in your coming out to your parents. PFLAG would of course be a wonderful resource for your mom, but your mom has to decide as to whether she would like to join a meeting or not.

    I wouldn't take your mom to the meeting and then come out to her. You know your mom best, however, she might very well feel that your coming out should be something more private and above all, it might also place you in a situation you don't want to be in. Given what you have said, it sounds like that you are not entirely sure as to how your mom might take the news either. There is a chance she will react positively and be okay with it, but there might also be a chance that your mom needs time to adjust or come around to it. If the latter is the case, she might feel placed against a wall at the meeting, and might even just walk out. It would be good if you could avoid that scenario.

    If you feel that you are ready to come out to her, I think sitting down with her and talking with her, and giving her educational material to read, is probably a better way to go.
     
    #2 Mirko, Sep 15, 2012
  3. Rose

    Rose
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    Hi BNQ2012,

    It is a tough position to be in. It sounds like it may be best to start with your Mum, but like Mirko, I have reservations about the PFLAG meeting being a good forum for bringing it up with your Mum in the first instance. If she has no idea, then it is likely to take her time to get used to it, just as it has taken you time. Introducing her to PFLAG is an excellent idea, and she may be able to draw on the support of the group in time but to begin with, it may be better to allow her the space and privacy to digest the news.

    It does seem that there are a number of parents who may be initially rejecting but later come to accept. Many of us reject ourselves and have experienced anger, hurt, disbelief and denial at different times. These are all feelings that your parents may have. How you feel able to deal with these possible feelings should determine whether you really are ready to come out to your parents. Just a thought..

    If you find it too hard to sit down and talk, then what about a letter? You could even give it to your Mum in person and be around while she reads it.

    Best of luck with whatever you decide!
     
    #3 Rose, Sep 16, 2012
  4. FathomFear

    FathomFear
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    I would say your age plays a major factor here. If you are indeed 35, there's really no excuse not to tell your parents in a private/personal setting. You're an adult and they're adults. Unless you expect them to react violently (physically) I would not to do it in a group setting.
     
    #4 FathomFear, Sep 16, 2012
  5. BNQ2012

    BNQ2012
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    Ok, thanks for the feedback. I've decided to simply go to the meeting myself this month to see what it's like. Whenever I decide to have that conversation with mom I will invite her to the next available one and leave it at that. Thanks again!
     
    #5 BNQ2012, Sep 16, 2012
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