Dear all, I started a thread not so long ago (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/69247-pain.html). That thread is kinda dead by now, so, I'm starting a new one. I apologised to A about some kind of misunderstanding. She accepted my apology & admitted that she, too, was being overly sensitive & emotional. Problem is, A & I are avoiding each other even more after my apology. I know why I'm avoiding her. I have very strong feelings for her... avoidance is my coping mechanism. Plus, she already seems to be attached. I want A in my life, but, I don't wanna hurt the other girl. I don't know why A is avoiding me. She, like me, is very reserved, private & wary of people. She once told me that it's hard for her to trust & that I remind her of herself when she was younger (I, likewise, have a hard time trusting). So, I wonder if she's avoiding me because I am perceived as a nuisance (I mostly keep to myself... trying not to cling), or, if it's because she feels the same way I do, but doesn't want to cheat on S (her so-called girlfriend... they claim to be straight). Sometimes I just want to tell her that I'd like us to be closer. But, I am terrified of rejection. I don't think this is just a regular crush. I've had crushes before. They were brief & superficial. With A, it is.... different. I've been suffering in silence for almost a year. She's mature, authentic, hardworking, etc. And, I admit, she's beautiful. But, it is not her beauty that I fell for because the first time I saw her I thought she was pretty but did not develop feelings until I got to know her. This issue is affecting my sleep & appetite, & I can't talk to anyone else about it. Why is A avoiding me? Currently I'm just playing along & continuing with the silence. I don't wanna scare & lose her forever.
I read both of your threads, and I really feel like I understand where you're coming from. It can be so painful and confusing when you have such intense feelings for someone, and you know it's for the best to try to find a way to get over it, but you have no idea how to go about doing that. There are a lot of things that could be going on here. "A" might feel hurt that you are distancing yourself from her - unless you have made it clear that you're doing so out of respect for her relationship. Or she might be afraid that you will out her to others at work, since you know about her relationship. Or her partner might be the jealous type, so that A feels like she has to behave in a cold way towards you in order to avoid suspicion or conflict at home. You simply won't know what the actual reason is unless you ask her and she is willing to share it. However, there is one thing I do know, which is that it is in your best interests to let go of the idea that you want to keep A in your life, at least for the foreseeable future. I fully understand how hard it is to hear that when your heart and mind are so full of her. But you are not going to be able to get over her when you see her and interact with her every day. You are not going to be able to have a healthy, platonic friendship with her while you're still in love with her. I understand your reasons for not wanting to transfer to a new job, but the reality is that this situation will continue to perpetuate itself and cause you pain if she continues to be in (or near) your physical space every day. If you have any hope, in the future, of forming a healthy friendship with her, you will need to get over her. And getting over such a deep and intense emotional attraction requires a lot of time and distance. There's really no other way around it.
Dear Chandra, I'm sorry for this late reply. I assumed no one knew what to say & left this thread alone for a while. It is only now that I've read your post. I don't think A is afraid I will out her. Both deny being romantically involved, but, everyone has a strong suspicion that they're closets. A also knows I'm not one to gossip. That I'm very sure as we communicated through FB privately for a while about 2 months ago. She knows my character. I'm known as the reserved, private & solitary one at work anyway. FYI, there are colleagues who question my sexuality (someone even remarked, "Maybe you prefer girls."). Appearance wise - I have long hair & wear skirts/dresses fairly often (with light make-up for special occasions), but, because of my love for nature, I engage in outdoor activities (fishing & horse riding, alone). I hate shopping. I can be unkempt. I will turn 29 soon. Never been romantically involved. The fact that I was always offering A gifts, like chocolate, & listened to her like a dog does his owner, reinforced the suspicion that I might be homosexual. I also reject men who wish to get to know me... I just don't have any interest... FYI, I fell for a man once. My feelings weren't reciprocated. I managed to move on. For some reasons, it's harder for me to move on whenever I fall for a woman. It's a silent torture, & I think of suicide often (I am on long term anti-depressants). I've been forcing myself to stop thinking about A, but, she comes back to mind all the time. I divert my thoughts with activities, which give me temporary relief. S (A's so-called partner), deactivated her FB a/c. After some time, I deleted her from my FB friends list. I thought there was no point keeping a deactivated a/c. She activated her a/c after I deleted her. It's clear... S doesn't want me near A... who'd blame her? I'm the enemy... the one trying to steal A away from her... sometimes I'm so disgusted by myself... I still treat S with civility & even gave her a birthday present (I give gifts to colleagues on their birthdays). I tried to extend my friendship by inviting her back to my friends list, but, she neither rejected nor accepted. So, I canceled my friend request. I no longer give A gifts, though I still do whatever she says & defend her whenever someone criticizes her at work. I have shed many tears over this issue & am trying to let her go.
This is the kind of thing that I'm talking about - this will continue to happen as long as she is in your line of sight every day. Trying to force yourself to stop thinking about someone is usually futile - the mind wanders where it wants to eventually. You shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself, because your feelings are what they are and you can't help them. But it would be a very good idea to think about trying to transfer jobs again, or finding some other way to physically remove yourself from the situation you're in. If you are feeling suicidal I strongly urge you to get in touch with a professional counsellor (if you aren't already). And please feel free to contact one of us on staff here by PM or in the "Ask The Staff" section if you reach a crisis point and need someone to talk to.
Dear Chandra, Thank you for your kind concern... I was seeing a counselor for many years... but, I'm afraid this area was not her specialty (she was more helpful in helping me manage my anger & coming to terms with a childhood laced with violence, threats & manipulation). Thus, I've stopped therapy. I could transfer to another dept, but, I'm pretty sure this would happen again. I'd fall for an older, unavailable woman, & my feelings would go unrequited. It's a cycle that has repeated itself about 4-5 times. I am getting tired. It wasn't as hard to manage when I was younger because people just thought I needed a mother. Now that I'm older, it's a different story. Speculations about my preferences. Having to bury my feelings due to shame. Grieving over unrequited love. Bone-deep loneliness. Etc. The fact that I'm a born-again Christian makes things worse. I am very serious about my faith. But, it is my fear of the consequences that has stopped me from ending my life. Sometimes I fear I might snap one day & not give a hoot about the consequences. I'm trying to search for a therapist who can help me out with this.... I'll keep the option of job transfer open...
