This is just putting words out there. I'm not expecting replies or anything; I guess I just need to get things out in the open. I'm confused. Again. I went to Costa to have my usual small mocha and chocolate wafers, to relax and people-watch, as I like to do on lazy afternoons. There was a new (male) coffee making person on the till, and he was more smiley and chatty than most workers at that place usually are. I got the distinct impresson he was 'hitting on' me, and it made my stomach churn. I don't like to be presumptuous, but that's the feeling I got. He was perfectly nice, and I could see that he was good-looking. After I'd finished my coffee and left, it occurred to me that I might have given him a second glance in the street. Yet when I felt as though he'd noticed me, it made me feel horrible. And like other times in the past, I imagined that if a woman acted towards me the same way he did, I'd have lovely butterflies in my stomach, not huge moths beating their wings and making my insides ache. This has all happened JUST AS I THOUGHT I WAS BISEXUAL. After imagining having caring but faceless men by my side. I'm fairly shy, so I'm tempted to say it's because of that, except I think I've nearly always felt this way when a lad/man gives me that kind of attention. I'm tempted to say it's because the last man to give me attention was a complete creep. I'm also tempted to say I exaggerate my negative feelings sometimes, which is certainly true. I tried to convert the negative feelings into appreciation that a stranger may possibly have liked me, but a couple of hours later, I still have that knot in my stomach. I'm considering that despite daydreams and crushes concerning men, when push comes to shove I'd pick a woman to be with. Does that make me gay? What am I supposed to tell people? My feelings seem to shift as soon as I become certain of them. The LGBT community has always felt like home, and the word 'lesbian' has always made me feel like ME. Writing creatively about men has always felt as though I've been borrowing other people's words, and to an extent liking men has sometimes felt as though I've been borrowing other people's emotions. But I suspect that beneath the doubts and confusion and potentially misplaced instincts, the lesbian words and emotions have always been mine. I didn't need to 'learn' them by looking at other people. I just knew and felt those certain things without the help of classmates and films. I think that writing all this is too much information. I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve by this venting. This has been going on since I was nine or ten, at the very earliest, and I'm gradually becoming more comfortable with how I feel, whoever my feelings are for. Coming out to a couple of male friends, including my ex-boyfriend-turned-agony-aunt, has definitely helped me. But the confusion never goes away for long. I can get myself to stop analysing for a while, but a couple of months later all the questions come flooding back. I'm not scared like a lot of people on EC are, although for the most part I'm in the closet. I am fortunate to live in a liberal place, and study at a wonderful university, and be surrounded by lovely, accepting and open-minded people, including some openly LGBT people (and including some relatives). For the most part I also have accepting and open-minded parents. My mum doesn't seem to think bisexuality exists, but her and dad love me unconditionally, and I'm sure I'll always know that. So I don't know what I'm really doing here:eusa_doh: I just wanted to vent.
This is comes the closest to how I'd describe myself that I've ever seen anyone else express (not exactly the same, but close). And personally, my way of dealing with the "what to tell people" question is that I choose not to have any label, because none of them feel quite right. If I feel the need to explain my orientation to someone (and I rarely do, because it's rarely any of their business), I simply say that I am attracted to people I find attractive. Sounds redundant, but it gets the point across. If you are someone who would prefer to have a label, of course, then it's a bit more problematic. But the thing is, there is no reason you can't call yourself a lesbian, even if there is a tiny possibility that one day you might end up dating a man. If that happens, you can say, well, I guess I found my exception. At the end of the day, your sexuality - however confusing it may be - is yours alone, and yours to explain and label for others as you wish.
This sounds exactly like me; it's like as soon as I'm 99.9% sure of my sexuality, I begin to question it again. I can remember when I was going to the gas station one day. As I went in to pay for gas, there was this guy who asked me for my number. Now, I was totally taken aback only because I thought he was a girl :icon_redf He looked so feminine/butch; I thought he was attractive, but I remembered that wait a minute, ”I'm gay!” I couldn't believe that I had forgot to mention it to him, but I didn't want to be rude and reject him in front of everyone. Plus, my dad works at the gas station and his boss was like, right at the counter. I didn't want to say anything because my dad still doesn't know :eusa_doh: The point I was trying to make is that, it is okay to still find guys attractive, but if you dominantly are attracted to women, then you can call yourself a lesbian or whatever you want. You already said that you feel like a lesbian, so there's your answer
