Hello, Help Needed.

Hello everybody, as you could tell from my thread title I am in of some assistance/opinions at the moment. Now, I'd like to just tell all who are reading a little bit about my situation. I am a 23 year old who was recently diagnosed by a prestigious university therapy clinic and one of the most famous and top OCD/PTSD therapists (like this person was in Time magazine as one of the most influential people in the world today due to her psychological breakthroughs) with OCD and depression. Now I've been battling heavily with this disorder for about 6 years now. I don't know the EXACT number of the top of my head but I could tell you I've probably had about 40-50 obsessive themes within the past 6 years (all being severely debilitating). My obessesive themes range from religious thoughts (ps I'm not religious..kooky I know), solipsism obsessions, sickness obsessions such as cancer and schizophrenia, checking obsessions, etc. (there's a lot more but I'd rather not take up everyone's time hah. My compulsions really destroy my daily routine, I've had checking compulsions, praying compulsions, and doubting compulsions. Now on to my current dilemma, lately I've been having obsessions dealing with sexuality (sexual orientation to be exact). For the past month or so, I have obsessing that I might in fact be gay. It started when someone I know made a joke about my choice of clothes one particular day (which he considered to "look gay" whatever that means). Ever since that day though my mind has been in a frenzy thinking about the possibility that I may be gay. Now to be clear I in NO WAY feel that homosexuality is a wrong or evil lifestyle choice and some of the gay people I met have been cool as hell, I dont want anyone to think I'm a homophobe, I also am a supporter of gay marriage hah. But anyways I've been looking for a concrete answer to this obsession even after the fact that I've been diagnosed with OCD. The weird part about this thing is that even though I obsess over being gay, I am still very much sexually attracted to girls (not to sound graphic but they still get me horny, I can masturbate to the thought of them and the thoughts can get me off). I still have much desire to sleep with them and I get butterflies and crushes on them very much so (I've also been in love with 3 girls to this point). Now to guys, during this time "compulsions" as my therapist calls them have led me to check gay porn. My reasons for doing this I believe (as this could not be connected to my OCD iunno) is to see if I could get attracted to it. Like I said before I don't believe beig gay or bi is a bad thing and I don't want to live in denial and so I felt like I needed to test it out first-hand. Everytime I've tried to get turned on by gay porn or tried to masturbate to it (thinking maybe it some form of denial holding me back from enjoying it) I got absolutely nothing. I even tried a test where I got an erection to lesbian porn first and then tried to have a gay fantasy or look at gay porn to see if I could get off then and I got immediately flaccid everytime. Now I suppose this should be all the evidence I'd need you would think but nope...still obsessing, still compulsing. I don't know the thoughts and the visual of these things just don't do it for me. But still I find myself plagued by this dilemma, and it's to the point where if there is something there I don't care anymore, I'd rather just accept it and move on with my life. But somehow I can't find a way to bring it out if it is there, I don't think there's anything wrong with two males having sex of they enjoy it and love each other, but I personally can honestly say that everytime I think of it or see it I just get an icky/or this is not appealing feeling at all. Like its not a I wanna throw up feeling all the time (sometimes it is depending on the thought) but its always a "ew" feeling I get. At first I thought it could be denial but I figure I've tried to work myself up to it but still the same results..nothing. This kinda feels like hell because it's like my mind is telling me that I may be gay but when I'm confronted with it it's not at all attractive. So what do you guys think? Do you think this is just another OCD theme or is this something that's latent? If its latent though, could you provide info on how something could be latent while consciously thought about and still produce zero results? Maybe it could be my anxiety and some form of denial could be stopping me from getting erections, but in some form it hasn't caused erectile dysfunction for girls as I can still get off and turned on to them. Idk if this is something that is real and I was misdiagnosed then I'd rather accept it in move on. I don't want to live in denial, and I'm sure my parents and friends would still love me regardless. I know this was really long but any insight could be helpful. I'm starting to think more or less that my OCD obsessions are fueled by personal insecurities or stress, but I'm trying to be open about this maybe not being connected to my OCD. And I always have doubts when it comes to my obsessions being OCD or not, each time they feel real, even though deep down I know they arent based in reality, and when consider the evidence but I don't know I want to keep an open mind on others opinions, so please any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Okay thank you Lex for your greeting and insights onto this situation. Your words are greatly appreciated, perhaps I should try my best to relax and let the situation work itself out. It kinda sucks when this disorder has a way of distorting your way of thinking and sucking happiness from your life. I know it's been a long uphill battle with this thing regardless of whatever theme it is, and I got a long way to go but nonetheless your help and personal opinions are greatly appreciated.