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Another confused 20 something

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by josephus, Sep 17, 2012.

  1. josephus

    Regular Member

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    Hey everybody, I'm a 24 yr old male, and have been struggling with questions about sexuality for a while, and I'd like some advice. Ever since I can remember, I've had a pretty high libido, and its always been directed at girls, as far as I can tell. I remember obsessing over my teenage female babysitters when I was 6 or 7, and have since spent countless hours fantasizing about women. I've been with a few girls, and while those encounters never led to a relationship like I'd hoped (mainly b/c of me being an emotional wreck for other reasons), I really enjoyed exploring sexuality with the opposite sex, and so you're probably wondering why i'm posting here.

    Well for the past few years I've been persistently haunted by the feeling that I must be gay, or bi, and I'm just in denial. This started around age 18, around the time I got heavily into drugs, mostly of the psychedelic/stimulant nature, particularly MDMA (which I no longer do; I avoid everything except pot and psychedelics, which are mostly a positive thing IMO). I had some great times, and some really low moments (now I know why the Verve keep breaking up), but I also seem to have flipped some switch in my brain, because my mind is constantly returning to the "am I? or aren't I ? " question. This led to the usual habit of looking at different types of porn to try and discover what I'm into.

    I usually look at straight porn and respond "normally", but when the thought looping gets intense I'll look at loads of gay and bisexual porn to try and deal with the constant mental questioning. I almost never get aroused looking at gay porn, and when I do its usually accompanied by a great deal of anxiety and the arousal goes away after less than a minute. Bi porn is quite arousing for me, but only when its "real" bi porn, and not "gay porn with a woman in it". Even then my focus is mostly on the woman, so I'm starting to wonder if its not the hot man on man action that turns me on, but the taboo breaking nature of it. I was raised in a pretty religious household (conservative Catholic), was heavily discouraged from dating in my teens, and of course being gay/ bi was the ultimate taboo. I'm also in the middle of a 3 1/2 year dry spell, and I've def got a case of "Randy Marsh syndrome" (after the South Park episode where Stan's dad gets addicted to porn). I'm also attracted to girls who are almost certainly NOT into me ( punky, tattooed, "wild" types, or the artsy hipster girls. Im a total dweeb, though I can play guitar pretty well).

    But then reading around on here and other sites, I think I'm starting to sound like others who are in denial. But I've never felt feelings for another guy in real life the way I feel about girls, and I dont think its b/c I'm suppressing it (however, thats what my mind tells me, that I ACTUALLY have NO interest in girls and just want to fuck guys). I also have no attraction towards most traditionally masculine things (my taste in music and art is pretty feminine), and got teased for probably being gay a lot in school, so am I just over-inflating this porn thing into a " big issue " ?

    Thats the feeling I got last night when I smoked some DMT while watching different flavors of porn online. I figured the machine elves of hyperspace might have some insight into this pressing matter. I immediately felt a combination of horror and humiliation as my once erect penis telescoped into my groin, like a frightened turtle, while the images on the screen distorted and deconstructed into flesh colored whirlpools and angular, robotic shapes. I was certain I would be forever trapped in this state, like a retarded 3 yr old in a Thomas Ligotti tale, but the good thing about the D is it only lasts 5 min. I distinctly heard whispers of faintly amused laughter before returning to reality, so I guess the aliens must think I'm neurotic too. I am in therapy, we've talked a bit about orientation but I haven't brought up the porn habit.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Well, no offense but... the first thing I would do if I were trying to get a clear idea of what's going on for me would be to get rid of ALL the things altering your consciousness. The problem is, when you alter your reality so much and so consistently, you lose focus of what ordinary reality is, and you have no grounding. Additionally, in the overwhelming majority of cases, when you see consistent, habitual drug use, it is a means of "numbing" to get away from something else.

    I don't think you'll be able to get a meaningful answer until you've been free of the mind-altering substances for a substantial period (3 months+, according to most of the people I know who have had similar experiences to yours.)

    I would also suggest discussing both the porn and the sexuality questions, and most certainly, the drug use with your therapist if you haven't already done so. Without complete honesty, your therapist really can't be of much use to you.

    Also, perhaps it might be sensible to try and give up porn entirely for a while, and work on developing fantasies in your mind when you masturbate. That will help to clarify in a more authentic way where your fantasies are. Though... even with that, you aren't going to be able to make much sense of anything until your body and brain are cleared out of the weed and other drug use.

    I realize it might be an upsetting thought to consider letting go of those things, but I can assure you, it's going to be something that, once you've done so, you'll realize why it's so important to do so.