Hi, I am a 21 year old college student. I have known I am gay since a rather young age. However, I am rather closeted. I've had 3 girlfriends throughout my life. I have had sex with 5 different women. Most of which I either took Viagra or used a homosexual catalyst to achieve an erection. Each time I fantasized about being with a man. Additionaly, I am quite masculine, attractive and charming. Nobody has seriously suspected me of being gay(that I know of at least). The only people that know that I am gay include my sister(only because we shared a computer), my cousin(because my sister told her) and now one of my Professors. I have been going to city college for three years now. I have been doing extremely well. My grade point average is at 3.8 and I will be transfering to a four year University, Fall Semester 2013. My goal is to pursue teaching as my career path. I can legitimitely see myself happy being a Professor at a city college in Southern California. Currently, I am taking a course in Sociology called Marriage, Family and Intimate relationships. I am taking the course, with the same professor that I took Introduction to Sociology with. Our first assignment was to write an analysis upon your family of origin, with Sociological themes. I did so very well and recieved an 25 out of 25 points on the assignment. My paper wasn't that great and I did it at the last minute. Additionaly, I did something very stupid. I told the Professor in the assignment, that I am in fact gay and not ashamed of it. She drew a smiley face buy it and wrote, "Proud of you!". I am sure I got full credit for the assignment just for that statement. She also went out of her way to say "Good morning" to me, while using my name. That has never happened to me before. I am very distressed and conflicted by this. It was a very bad choice making that statement. The only reason that I included that statement is because the Professor is quite young and attractive. She's overly nice and her lectures are always very leftist, in which includes all kinds of pro gay speak. She is a wonderful instructor and I love her lectures. However, it's very akward for me now. I almost want to drop the class. I felt a horrible humiated feeling when she was talking about gay marraige. In addition, I can't look at this person in the eye. Previously, I used to enjoy participating in class, but now I'm too embarrassed. I feel so awful and stupid for doing this. I have trouble trusting people and I am not a very good friend to people. I have a lot of friends but I'm only close with about seven. For some reason, I avoid these people as much as I can and these people care about me. I want to come out of the closet, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I have tried to come out before. However, the words just will not come out of my mouth. Also, I aviod my family in general, but specifically my sister and cousin. I find it extremely hard to talk about. I don't know why really. A few of my friends, must have their suspicions regarding my sexuality. Most importantly though, I am pretty sure none of my friends or family would care at all about it. It's just too painful to admit it. I can't afford psychotherapy. I do not have health insurance. Psychotherapy is $80-120 per hour without insurance. My hope is for a few good pieces of advice. They have a gay straight alliance at my school. However, I would never show up to it. Some people I know go to it and my presence would be awkward. I mean, I was too afraid to walk up to their booth on the quad. I know I care too much about what people think, but I just do. I feel like an actor and I am very depressed. Thank you if you read all of this.
Its normal to be having those feelings. Ive actually been through that, but for me it didn't last long. When i started coming out i was starting college and i had a hard time being around those who knew. I would still hang out with them, but i was a bit uncomfortable and wouldn't say much. I felt like i shouldn't have said anything at first. But I then started realizing that the people that knew hadn't treated me different. The thing that helped me get over it was to start using humor to get over how uncomfortable I was. Like, When my friends started asking me stuff about me being gay, i would tell them the stories in a funny way. I also tried to, not necessarily forget I had came out, but try and put it in the back of my mind and act like nothing happened. After a while i just started being more like myself and it has stopped bothering me. At least with my friends, with my sister i still feel weird. And i dislike talking about it with her. Like for you, when you're in class dont remind yourself that she knows. Try and participate like you used to. It may take time for you to feel comfortable again and I know its hard to just stop thinking like that, but you can do it. Don't drop the class. At least not yet. Give it a week or two. If you still feel uncomfortable and like you need to drop the class then its up to you. i dont know if what i said makes sense or even helps you in any way. But i hope you do get over it and try to be more comfortable with the people that know. If they aren't awkward about it then you shouldnt either. Good Luck!
Joining a cycling club is not what you need right now. The first thing you need is a hug. But more importantly, I think it will help to understand what's going on for you. What you're experiencing is what researcher Brené Brown refers to as a "vulnerability hangover." This happens when we make ourselves vulnerable -- in your case, perhaps for the first time in your life -- and, after having done so, immediately feel as though we absolutely should not have done so, because we've exposed ourselves. In your case, it was by coming out to your teacher, but anyone who is working on growing themselves emotionally, experiences vulnerability hangovers all the time. First, your professor is a wonderful person. She correctly surmised that it was a huge step for you, and that you were not out. That's why she was supportive, and that's also why she's made an effort to say your name. Not because she in any way looks down at you, but because she wants to show her solidarity and support for you. So rather than seeing this as embarrassing or shameful, take it for what it is... someone who appreciates and accepts you for who you are. Being gay and closeted, by definition, means having a whole lot of shame. Shame is a very deep belief that we're not worthy of love and belonging, and one of the ways we protect ourselves from that belief is by making ourselves emotionally unavailable or invulnerable. And we do this by numbing... not letting others in. But we can't exist this way in any healthy fashion, because vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, creativity, empathy, love, and connection, among other things. So what you did, perhaps without really thinking about it, was to take a very courageous step, in coming out to your professor. You made yourself vulnerable. Again borrowing from Dr. Brown, it's almost, in a way, like stepping out onto a stage, with a full house, completely naked, and hoping for applause instead of laughter. And you're feeling the "vulnerability hangover" even though, metaphorically, you've gotten the applause. So perhaps the next step is to learn to appreciate and accept the applause. She appreciates you even more because you're gay. So be OK with that, because she is OK with it! And then... the step after that, is to work on the shame. Shame hates being spoken or acknowledged, and as soon as you start to speak about it, it dissipates. So... maybe go and talk to her after class, or during her office hours. Tell her that it was really hard for you to say what you did, that you appreciate her support, but that it's uncomfortable for you. My guess (and I'd wager $ on this) is that she will open up and be even more supportive, and that's exactly what you need right now. I don't think you're quite ready to be joining any groups of other gay people yet. Take your time, don't push yourself faster than you're ready. But stretching yourself gently, in safe ways, such as continuing the conversation with your professor, will make a HUGE difference. As will continuing to talk about what you're feeling here at EC. Oh, and... take 20 minutes and watch this video. In it, Dr. Brown explains a very serious "vulnerability hangover" she had after her first TED talk. I think you'll relate to it, and if you do, I suggest checking out her books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly". She also has two other TED videos which you'll likely find equally compelling. [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]
At the university I attend there is an Ally program and professors are more than welcome to participate. They take a training course and then are identified as someone who is supportive of the lgbt community. They are a "safe" person for people to talk to and know of support services in the city etc. Is it possible that your prof is an Ally-type person?
just be yourself!!! i went to the same thing although i came out younger @ age 14 though the hard way cos my bust me on the act hard !!! so.... i would rather open up than hide it you're only making yourself miserable.... freedom always is a bliss. but i think for the most part people would not care if you're gay or not it's 2012 people are less and less of being a homophob!!
