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Absenteeism...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Time, Jan 28, 2008.

  1. Time

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    I've got a problem, and it's surprisingly harder to face than being gay. Absenteeism. I hate school, and I find myself skipping it all the time. The bigger problem here thought is that it's not exactly truancy. My mom enables this habit.

    My grades are for the most part pretty good. I always make up everything that I miss, but I just find myself hating school, and not wanting to go nearly every day. Tomorrow, for example, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna go. Surprisingly, I'm legitimately sick with stomach and chest pain, and there's a major flu epidemic in my town. Nearly 10% of our student population was absent Friday and Monday. I might be catching it. And before you suggest it, no, I'm not a hypochondriac. Most of the time, I boldly admit to all except authoritative adults such as teachers that I just don't want to go. But I find myself taking advantage of the slightest symptoms like now that I could still go to school with.

    My mom is one of the most laid back, relaxed parents I've ever known. If I say I'm not well enough to attend school or that I don't want to go, there usually isn't much of a question about it. I don't know if I'm taking advantage of her or if she needs to step up and tell me to go to school. Maybe both?

    It's gotten to the point where I receive letters from juvenile services warning me about how many days I've missed. It really doesn't bother me until it gets to the point where I come close to going to court. Then I get scared and go to school no matter what.

    My thoughts are a little scattered here, but I would just like other opinions on the subject. I've seen people in school miss a lot more than me, but I know in my heart that I stay home way too much.
     
  2. mcrteenagers

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    I felt the same way, in later years of high school. It became a nuisance to go to school. I still got good marks, surprisingly, but I missed alot of class-time.

    I guess it was good that I only formed these habits in the last year of high school. I have friends who have dropped out, and they say it was the biggest most idiotic mistake they have ever made. They kick themselves for it. (He just started working at McDonald's today after not having a job for eight months - his mom threatened to kick him out).

    Anyways, the thing I suggest you watch is that it doesn't become habit, a routine, or gets worse. You still got a few more years to "serve", so as my mom would say, "pull up your socks and make the best of it".

    -The best to you, Mike.
     
  3. deeNIreland

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    I am not in any way telling you what to do, or offering professional advice, just my opinion, so I hope it helps, even a bit.

    So you're a 13 year old, with good grades, even when you skip school? You must be pretty smart right??

    I think, and I know this may be hard to identify, but can you identify what aspect(s) of school do you hate exactly? It's easy to convince yourself that you hate it all, but if you can narrow it down to something, or some things that you specifically don't like, it might be easier for you to see where the problem lies.

    As you know, you have provided us with a small part of your school history, so we can only make our opinions based on this.

    I think, that maybe a part of this is the lack of control there seems to be over your schooling. Your mum as you said is laid back, and you maybe take advantage of this, through your own admission. Thats ok. When we lack control in out lives, we try to take some form of it ourselves. At age 13 we aren't meant to make huge decisions by ourselves. Of course we can, but sometimes it's easier when we have an adult figure to guide us along the way. I think that you know you have 2 options: go to school (like you should be doing - and you know that by Law you should be doing) or skipping school. When you chose to skip school, you take complete control. Do you think that you are intentionally skipping school to make your mum take notice of your truancy?

    You are right also. Your mum should be "stepping up" and encouraging you to go to school, as, at the end of the day, it is to your own personal benefit. Have you tried to speak to her about your school experience? Get her involved in your school day/routine/homeworks etc. This may encourage her to take a more active interest.

    The fact that you get scared and end up going back to school is, and you might think this is odd to say, but it's a good thing. You are still 13, and like I said, lacking the rules and regulations regarding schooling that should be taught by and enforced by parents/guardians. The letters from the authorities are a way of helping you to positively manage your "absenteeism" and helping you regain some of the control over your schooling that I mentioned before. They act as a guideline for you: if I don't go to school, I'll end up in court. However, this shouldn't be the driving force, or motivational factor making you want to go to school. You should want to be there in a learning environment which can help maximise your potential.

    I have also failed to mention another important aspect of schooling - your social network. Do you have friends that go to the same school as you? What do they think of your truant behaviour? Do they know? Or maybe you don't have the social support network that you need regarding peers and friendships. If this is so, is there a teacher you like, a student counsellor who you can speak to? This might help you overcome some of your issues with going to school.

    Similarly, are there any family members that you feel may take an active role in making sure you attend school and helping you to enjoy it?

    What do you think would help you to enjoy school more? This is a really important question for you. Only you can know what you want to get from your schooling experience and why you want what you want! (try saying that 10times fast!)

    I hope that some of what I have said makes sense. I get the impression, that although you say you skip school because you don't like it, that in many cases, you might skip school because you can (in that your mother doesn't make you and you know it will be a week or so before the authorities (educational or otherwise) send you another letter.

    Education, to me, is a right that everyone should have, however it is a privilege afforded to few. Make the most of it when it's there! Take care, and good luck.
     
  4. Time

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    Thank you both for your excellent responses.

    deeNIreland --

    Smart? I don't consider myself that. Advanced classes? Yes. They put me in there, yet 75% of the time I feel that I've not a clue what we're discussing, but I still somehow manage to achieve decent grades which is satisfactory for me. I'm a minimalist, I know. The fact that I don't understand the material is probably partially due to the fact that I'm often not there to learn it, but I also find this leading back to my mom. I'm honestly not trying to push the blame over to her, but she is the parent here. She not only enables my school skipping, but also my 'decent' grades. I know I'm capable of doing better. But I'm not being pushed to do so. The many tests and homework assignments I've failed are just brushed off by her and in turn by myself. I guess I've manipulated academics in my mind to the point where I know what I need to do, and don't have to do, to pass.

    The aspect of school I don't like is the work. I'll admit it; I'm lazy. I don't like sitting in class rooms all day and solving algebraic equations that I can do in my head and reciting what seems to me like simple dates and events in History. I had this issue a few years ago, and my teacher suggested to my parents that they move me up a grade. Socially, this just wouldn't work, which brings me to the next point.

    I've actually got a lot of friends and people who care about me. I think that a lot of people skip school because they feel like no one will care. It's actually the opposite with me. They're concerned, and it irks me when I'm questioned by them about it, but they're concern isn't enough to make me go on days where I really don't want to.

    Control. I've got a shocking amount of control over my life considering my age. My mom is hardly involved in my life at all, but I like it that way. I've had a boyfriend for roughly a month, and he's spent the night at my house 4 times, yet I don't think she's suspected a thing. She's sort of blind in a way. While we're discussing here, allow me to share some personal information regarding her. She sleeps. And that's just what she does. This past weekend, she slept from Friday at about 6 PM until Sunday at about 7 or 8 PM. She does this all the time. I'm also finding that her pupils look a bit dilated to me. Drugs? A possibility. She was into them a year ago, and left me for 3 months to go truck driving with my step dad. She came back "all better", but I'm really beginning to question the validity of that. A few months ago, I found text messages on her phone from a friend talking about masturbating and other inappropriate things for a married woman like herself. She's been keeping secrets, and I know she's doing stuff she shouldn't be doing, but I don't know how to prove it, and I don't know what I would do if I confirmed it. She's unemployed, left to do God knows what all day during the week. She doesn't clean the house, do laundry, or anything else. My guess is that she eats, sleeps, and possibly does drugs or cheats on her husband.

    And wow...I had no intention of getting into all that. I'm terribly sorry. Looks like we've got two issues on the plate now. But to conclude, if my assumptions were correct, if she were doing drugs/cheating/other bad stuff, I would most definitely need to move in with my dad who lives in another state. I've discussed this with him, and he seems to think that I shouldn't stick my nose in her business, and that me finding out if all of this was true would not help matters. I don't agree.

    Back to schooling though, I guess it's possible that I'm inadvertently seeking attention from her by doing this if that's what you were implying. But really, I just don't like being there. Socialization, being a library worker, choir, and band are what get me through the day. I've suggested home schooling to my mother numerous times, but she just laughs it off and shoots me down every time. I know I would be much happier at home, but she doesn't buy it.

    Didn't mean to write a novel there, sorry =/
     
  5. deeNIreland

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    I'm sorry if i offended you with the control comment. But I mean lack of control regarding your education. I wasn't referring to any other part of your life. At age 13, we aren't meant to control our lives (of course we like to be able to have the option), but at the same time, its nice to sit back, and let our parents do it for us... you know?

    It seems, that from what you have said, there are many other issues here that need addressed. I am afraid, that, any opinions I may express may only lead you in the wrong direction. The only advice I can therefore give is to speak to a professional about this. I'm sure you have school counsellors or something similar. You are legally required to be in school at your age. However, I am sure you and your school could find a half way point which satisfies both your needs; their need is to have you in school; your need is to enjoy your education.

    With regards to your family situation, I am sorry to hear that you have had a rough time of it all. Again, I think due to the apparent severity of the situation, your best and probably most beneficial bet is to seek professional help, and again, a counsellor at school may help with this by giving you a referral to another service.

    The only other thing I can say is, keep typing... I or someone will always be willing to lend an ear! :grin:
     
  6. deeNIreland

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    ps: i wasnt implying that you were seeking attention. quite the opposite actually. I was getting at the fact that you know your mother should be more involved and this is an attempt to make her come to realise that.
     
  7. Time

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    I wasn't offended at all. Every bit of advice given here is beneficial :slight_smile:

    You make a good point though. Maybe professional help is what I need. Maybe I need to talk to a counselor, or even a trustworthy teacher who I came out to last week (long story). My mom has some issues she needs to work out, and I need to talk to someone who can help me help her. One last question though.

    What do you think about confronting her? This text message I found was months ago, and other than that, I have no concrete evidence of anything. Would confronting her just make things more complicated? Or do you think it would help?
     
  8. Time

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    I'm sitting at home yet again, when I should be working my tail off at school. My sister is doing the same. I'm afraid she's falling into the same habit as I. She's beginning to exhibit my behavior - she hates school, refuses to get out of bed in the morning, and stays on the computer all the time. My throat hurts a little bit today; that's my excuse for being absent today. I was supposed to go to the doctor, but I decided I didn't want to, and now my mom is finally starting to be concerned with my attendance record or lack thereof because she wanted me to go to get a note for school. So basically, I'm not doing much better with this problem. =/
     
  9. beckyg

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    Wow Time, you are having some real difficulties. I would highly suspect your mother is doing drugs. She could end up dead if she doesn't get the help she needs. You definitely need to talk to a counselor about all this and your Dad's lack of concern is also really bothering me alot. You are 13 years old and you basically have no parental guidance! You are having to be the "adult" long before your time. Please seek the help of a trusted adult, immediately. You deserve to have parents that are there for you and so does your sister! (*hug*)