Do gay guys genuinely feel ugly before they come out?

I honestly don't know, but I would say try not to overthink your appearance. Though I am guilty of this so I really can't talk! I don't think I am good looking but some people have complimented me so who knows. Vice-versa as well, where I see someone who looks great to me but they feel like they are ugly. I think we could all stand to be a little less self-conscious. I'm speaking of gay people here but I can't say whether it's related or not in any way.

 

I can't answer your question about body dysmorphia, but some days I thought I was beautiful, some days, I thought I was ugly as fuck. Narcissism made me worry about it. Not related to me being closeted, in, out, whatever.

 

I don't really feel ugly, I just feel like it's impossible for me to ever be in a relationship because nobody knows. I sometimes get 'the look' when I'm out drinking etc. but I can't approach the guy because I'm with my straight friends that don't know I'm gay. One of those could have been the one!

 

Being attractive is every bit who you target as well as what people think of you.

In high school, I could've cared less about any girl there and mainly occupied myself doublethinking that I was not gay. Therefore, I saw no opportunities, asked myself "Why bother?", and went to school every day as a 230lb inelegant mess. There was no point to taking care of myself if I wasn't interested in anyone there.

I distinctly remember feeling much cuter after I lost weight and bought some nice form-fitting clothes, having first told a group of people I was gay. >:3

 

I'm someone who has VERY LOW self-esteem and I do have a habit of self-loathing but I can honeslty admit I'm not ugly at all. I feel really arrogant saying that and I know I'm no Cristiano Ronaldo (or whoever you find 10/10 in the looks department) but I'm above average in looks at best. I think I could make myself look better but that wouldn't be me if that makes sense lol

 

I agree with Zontar. I never considered myself even theoretically attractive, but then again, I never bothered taking care of how I look. This was closely related to the feeling there was noone to look good for (all girls were uninteresting and guyd weren't an option). As Zontar mentioned, only recently, when I started working out a little and I started noticing changes, I got the feeling that I maybe could look good.

 

I can't relate to this at all. Let's be clear that I do not think I'm attractive as there are quite some things about my looks I'm not happy about but I wouldn't consider myself ugly. And I never did. At worst I feel average.

I do have to admit that coming out made me feel better about myself. I never had a low self-esteem, but after having come out to some friends (all very accepting) it only got better. But we're drifting away from the subject cause the "feeling better" has nothing to do with looks.

 

Actually, I didn't feel ugly before I came out at all - it was only after that this happened. Of course, my situation is slightly unique, but often, our self-perception depends on the kind of people we hang out with. If you spend time with people who are insecure about themselves and let their insecurity bleed onto others, you're gonna feel insecure as well. But if you hang around people who are happy with how they look, you'll feel the same way.

 

That's an interesting thread.
I've always thought myself to be ugly. Like, very ugly. I avoided looking at the mirror. Lately, I have gotten more aware that I'm O.K., and that is simply objectively, I really don't feel like it. Seriously, it's hard to believe that I'll find anyone who will think I'm hot. There is a great poem that I really connect to, and the writer describes how she has this straight hair, blue eyes, big lips, but she feels ugly (just like me). Even though the thing I hate the most about myself is body hair (1st time I admit it. It's such an embarrassing subject to me).
Anyway, I don't like myself physically, and that often brings me down (especially thinking about how the hell do I get the courage to walk outside). That probably was also one of my reasons of my past depression.
Let's hope for a brighter future

P.S. I came out to a few people, but it didn't change the way I feel about the way I look. It did though help me embrace my sexuality.

 

Ditto (well in High School I wasn't attracted to anyone, this was more a college/uni thing for me!) - once I started the coming out process I just started to take more care of my appearance, got some clothes that fitted better (still George at Asda*Walmart and Primark but hey ho - never been one for "fashion"!) and actually bother take care of how my hair looks. When you are feeling down all you can see are the negatives, and the pressure of being in the closet can reinforce that, once I opened up I was able to see the positives, and that was in various aspects of my life, including my own appearance - I just feel that I can walk a little taller* nowadays, and being happier is helping me feel better and as I'm feeling happier I'm more up for doing stuff which is helping me loose more weight, which is making me happier and so the beat goes on! Even though I'm still not fully comfortable in myself those little things do make a difference - heck the bloody stereotype is that people find tall guys with blonde hair and blue eyes attractive and I already have those going for me :lol::roflmao:

* Which has it's downsides when one of the doorways you walk though multiple times of the day is too low too walk under without hitting your head on the frame when standing up straight - whoops!

That being said, reading various posts and comments on hear has made me realise tha

 

I don't recall ever feeling "ugly", per se. I knew I wasn't "hot" or "attractive", like models and actors. But that never translated as "ugly". I just sort of realized that a select few people end up looking really attractive, and based on that, they can get dates and admirers from across a crowded room. And the rest of us are in that huge "normal" category. You know, "people". Which means I wasn't going to catch somebody's eye or have them panting after me. So I was stuck getting dates by some other means - to wit, getting to know them, bonding with them, looking for common ground, waiting to click.

Guess what? It worked.

Lex

 

I don't know if I have any right to speak because as far as I know I am not gay but bisexual, and I'm in the midst of the coming out process (a few people know, and now my boyfriend broke up with me... it kind of encourages me even more to tell people, which makes sense I guess). I have been insecure about my appearance for quite some time. Up until about two years ago I had never felt unattractive, just average. But since then, suddenly, some people have been saying I was ugly (sometimes in a joking way, but behind every joke is a bit of truth). And I realized that I had a pretty big nose which does make me insecure at times. But other than that I can look in the mirror and I'll feel fine about my appearance, because from the front I look fine if I may say so. Of course I am far from perfect but I generally don't feel ugly.

Anyway, about the coming out thing making you feel more attractive... I can't say much about it but so far so good, I've been feeling better about myself in general. Not so much my appearance but I think that eventually it might have a positive effect on (your own idea of) your appearance.

 

Just speaking out of personal experience, I always (and still do) have body image issues. I did completely believe that I was ugly and unattractive. I thought I was way too fat and antisocial and just unworthy of any sort of care from someone else. This was particularly bad at the very beginning of coming out. Now I'm finding that my perceptions were unfounded in a lot of ways.

I've realized that I created this little bubble of perception in order to protect myself from anticipated rejection. If I beat them to it, then it wasn't as bad.

Fast forward to now, I am in the process of losing weight (25 lbs so far) and exploring my psyche and questioning the beliefs that affect me negatively. I've learned that perceptions of ugliness (and beauty) come from ourselves. I projected my own inadequacies onto other people and assumed that they were correct. As for the people who have said hurtful things in the past, they are speaking from a place of their own hurt and perceived inadequacies.

Our own perceptions and interpretations of ourselves are powerful things, for better or for worse. But you have to realize that that power lies in you. Change your perceptions of your self from the worse to the better, and you will quickly see you're not as ugly as you think...

 

I don't think all gay guys feel ugly before they come out. It probably depends on the guy. Some gay guys have low self esteem, some don't. Feeling unloveable and ugly isn't necessarily a gay thing because there are straight people that also feel like this. Being gay adds another obstacle to self-esteem issues.

I'm not a guy but I can relate. I used to say to myself that I wouldn't come out until I lost a bit of weight, got better teeth, cut my hair, and the list goes on because I thought that I should be perfect before I come out. I thought no girl would ever think I was pretty enough so I wanted to wait. Now that I've come out to more people I realize that I was being irrational. I still am harsh on myself at times but I'm not as bad. I've had a low self esteem and coming out has helped a bit but not completely.

I think the whole body issue and feeling of unworthiness you're talking about is related to low self esteem. If it's severe it might be body dysmorphia, depending on the case. You would have to talk to a professional to diagnose that though. It may be a stage of coming out for some but for others it might not be. When we come out to ourselves we eventually have to accept ourselves as who we are so that might help with self esteem issues.

 

I haven't felt ugly since my early teen years. But.. I just sort of developed an attitude to see past looks, and I eventually saw past my own. I wouldn't say I was amazingly good looking, but I would say I'm far away from ugly too.


Also, just a note, beauty and attractiveness depends on your attitude. It sounds cliche, untrue and all the rest, but it does. I've known a guy since I was 5. He was severely bullied in early school, he was overweight, had an enormous head etc etc. But during secondary school, he developed confidence (no idea how, but good on him). Ever since then, he's literally had girls falling over him.. He still has all the same traits as he did in early school; he's slightly over weight, has a massive head and nothing about his appearance is 'OMG' worthy. But, and I'm not exaggerating, he literally has girls saying 'oh my god he's so fit', and when I question them why, they all nearlly say 'his confidence is sexy'.

Confidence is the key to attractiveness. If you find yourself unattractive and unloveable, it sends that vibe to other people. It's easier said than done, but in the long term, you'd do much better to think of yourself as loveable AND attractive.

 

For most of my life I have felt that I'm very ugly and unattracitive and that nobody could ever find me attractive. Over the last year or so I've come to accept being gay, lost 65+ lbs and I'm getting ready to start coming out, and I would say that I feel better about my body than I used to, but I still think I'm ugly. I have really low self esteem, so I have trouble thinking anything good about myself. I've spent a long time hating myself for being gay an that didn't helped my self esteem. Though coming out to myself and getting ready to come out to others has started to help with my self esteem and body image.

 

I felt ugly. Still do sometimes, but I was basically brainwashed into believing so as a child (by both classmates and family) because I was the black sheep. I'm also short, so that factors in.

Now, I view myself as pretty good looking (except for moments when I'm over stressed, then all the self loathing comes back) and supremely confident. Height doesn't matter much when people respect and adore you.

From a psychological standpoint, I think most people think they're flawed in ways they might not be. People are naturally negative. I've known some amazingly attractive people who thought they were hideous.

(Oh, and for the record, OP, you sound adorable.)

 

Actually I can't relate to this title, but to some few things tanstaafl89 have said.

Even until about 9 or 10yrs I don't remember me looking into mirrors much but later I found if I happened to I always was admiring what I saw and liked it :icon_wink. Actually I got used to it later haha, but still I was looking into mirrors inspecting bc of the acne problem. And there was someone in my family who always bullied me whenever she saw me in front of a mirror (but I've done that only occasionally, but she seemed to always around), confronting me if I thought that I was beautiful, and hinting that I was the opposite since that early age.
So it had been bit confusing and tiresome, bc that I found that I was good looking as to my knowledge and her that comments made me if I have to doubt this understanding and my confidence. It also had affected me as I started to wonder if I'm really ugly bc she always did that. I think it had some huge affect to start a desire to have better looks, for me later.

That bullying continued for rather a long time, I guess until my mid or late teens, till I had gained confidence and started to tell her each time that it doesn't matter whatever, bc that I love my features and I'm OK with how I look, so doesn't matter how others feel about it . And first she looked startled and still tried to continue the same, but eventually it stopped.

Until recently I wondered, that she may had been trying to distract me from something that she feared thinking if I thought I was OK with my looks it could have affected my studies or of something silly like that. But later it revealed that she really/truly was finding that I was ugly. I knew that after she told me that she used to think so and that she was wrong as everyone else seem to think of me otherwise. ( Still, IDK if she find me not ugly after all that, as I didn't remember at that time as I wasn't really interested in her perception on me, so just smiled politely and let it go. Its now, as I was writing this that I got a bit of curiosity about it, lol)

However, I've seen she and one of my best friends also, do this to others (Actually what my friend told about me, was that I was the most beautiful of our class if I had no acne haha, which really made me snap at her without thinking of what I was doing bc I'd seen how bad her taste was on looks and I hated thinking I was one of them. She never told anything about it again after that ).
People like them seem to always have some comment on how beautiful some people are, and how some people look so bad or worse. They also admire or look down every time they see those people and comment on it so that others will have to join it or they'll try to make them join it, to prove their opinion is correct.

In some cases (not in all) I couldn't even, force me to agree some of those people were even near to good looking and made me wonder what they see in those people to emphasize their admiration so much. But they were doing it genuinely. Later my sister ( every one thinks she as pretty) and other friends also started to open up about how our family member and our friend has a some bad taste about looks. So then I got that it wasn't only me who thought so, and found a lot of other people agree with it when inquired, only that they don't speak up.

I've seen this is common on most people who voice on others looks, even most of them agree with general concept of looks. IDK what the reason they do it, but it seems, if they have some acceptance in those environments, their targeted person tend to become the victim of those actions, as he may tend to agree with those comments influenced by everyone's reactions.

What I want to point is, that everyone seem to find beauty or how they feel about looks individually in society. There could be beautiful people who are born to as comply with the general concept today on beauty. And people who agree with those concepts may find those people as beautiful. But there are other people who identify beauty disagreeing with that general concept to some level or completely. They don't see those people as beautiful even how much other admire it. But they admire people with different assets. So there couldn't be anyone as ugly or even not looking good.

The issue in most cases could be the trend that the voice of who speak up is to become the common acceptance or effect and seems to remain if no one contradict. So if we stick to what others say about us and if those are of negative effect, it's likely we are torturing ourselves unnecessarily. This is more likely to happen as most of us are tend to accept the general concept or someone else's ideas( mostly negative) on us when labeling our selves.

But still lot of people may find us opposite to being ugly. We may stick to other's ideas even we hear it may be bc of not wanting to feel as arrogant or bc of our less confidence. But still, it seems not that worthy to suffer, if you're really curios about your looks, as definition of beauty is depended on an individual's scope of admiration and the time s/he lives and her/his society and lot more factors.


I agree with Micheal " Confidence is the key to attractiveness", actually to almost everything. There's a saying it is inner beauty that glows. But I think there is more to it. Like, If you believe you're beautiful, attractive or good looking eventually you are likely to become so. (I've heard of this a lot of times). So why not give it a try as you'll only gain and nothing to lose, if you really want to be so. Anyone can try, telling yourself every day (when waking up or/and before sleeping) that you're ... beautiful/? being relaxed and without considering disagreements. And its said that you'll see that your mind will be accepting it and trust it to be so with the time. And you should see some months/? later, that you and others find (from all the reactions) that you're not different to, from what you started to believe about you a some time ago .

 

Some do even after coming out.