Hi, I keep reading about coming out first to a safe person who will offer you unconditional love and support. Am I the only one who looks around and finds none of their friends meet this criteria? I'm not saying this in a whining, self-pitying tone. It's more a "huh" kind of feeling. Perhaps it's more common for the older generation to accept that certain behavioral standards are imposed by our friends, we grew up in a more rigid time when it comes to same sex relationships. Perhaps because we've had secrets to keep, we never formed totally honest relationships with others, maybe we even chose friends we didn't feel that intimate with, simply to make keeping our secrets easier. i know I've let friendships wither away the last few years, in order to make keeping my same sex relationship secret easier. But the fact is that in my family conditional love is the norm. You're not loved for who you are, you're loved for fitting in and not causing any trouble. None of my friends would be able to honestly offer me unconditional support, their own issues and conflicts would come into play. These "Unconditional Love" people are nothing real to me....just another legend, like Bigfoot. And maybe the truly sad thing is that this doesn't really shock me. Does this sense of being isolated, and accepting that isolation calmly, ring true for anyone else?
Yep, that is exactly how I felt when I was starting to come out. I never felt like I had this close best friend who I could share my secrets to. Sure, I had friends and a lot of people around me, but they were just people to talk to and not exactly people to trust. You are completely right about this one and it is something that affects most people who are closeted. The difference is very noticeable once you come out. As for how to come out if you don't have anyone close? Well, what I did is to come out to anyone at that point. And by anyone I mean random ass people who I would meet online. I also came out to my guild on WoW xD little by little I got the courage to tell one of my friends out of no where. Luckily they were supportive and that was all I really needed. If that isn't your style, then you can also find a support group near your area. that way you can come out to people, talk about everything and make new friends while you are at it. The main point is to come out to someone who is supportive first. Whoever they are. I can be a professor, random person you met, a support group or a friend who you aren't too close with but you know they are supportive.
That seems like sounds advice. If I do choose to tell someone, I want to know the first time will have a happy ending, or the sheer stress of the whole thing will send me screaming back into the darkness. Or else make me lose my temper. Neither is good.
For whatever it counts, you just came out to everyone who reads this thread! You might not see it as a huge thing, but for many people that alone is terrifying. So you are in the right path at least. Just one step at a time Do you know if there are any support groups around your area?
Ha! I guess I did! Well, baby steps aren't too bad, less chance of falling and breaking a hip... I have absolutely no idea about local support groups. I might have a look around and see. Then I'd get to struggle with my introvert/social anxiety at the same time as my first ever public appearance as a girl who loves another girl. :eek:
Well...if it helps, I must say that I'm not out to my father. He's in his late 60s, so I'm not sure how understanding he will be, but I'm sure he will be accepting. Just take, like you said, baby steps--it's not going to be easy, but it will in time.
Yep, its a very scary concept, but don't worry too much. Most people were in your shoes once so they will understand how complicated it all can be If you want to find a group there are two main ways. One, you can look it up on google and see what is out there. Two, get in contact with someone who is involved in the community. Usually once you find one person you can find them all. One of the perks of being a small community. You can either contact an LGBT center around you are (find your here) or contact anyone who is in charge of whatever group you do end up finding online. If you can't find any group, then your best bet is to contact the advisor for the LGBT group at the nearest university.
Aside from the age part, I'm seriously right there with you. My best friend happens to be pretty liberal, but for some reason he's selectively conservative and doesn't think twice about using words like f@got. Every time someone recommends going to "an understanding friend," as you pointed out, I cringe a little. It's definitely not fun, but trust me, you aren't alone. The two main suggestions are to make more friends or go to a group, but I'm also blessed with social anxiety, so those are extremely difficult. Is it the same with you, or? Anyhow, I don't really have any advice, but know that at least one person on the internet gets it. ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2012 at 09:46 AM ---------- What do you mean when you say that your friends own issues and conflicts would come into play by the way?
I have been thinking about this as well... There is nobody friend or family I could come out to.. I have been thinking about finding a LGBT centre in the UK (South of England) and start there, however most of them seem to be aimed at up to 26, which rules me out. My ideal way would be to have a cup of coffee with somebody aged 30-50 who I can trust to be supportive and have a frank and honest conversation with them. Hopefully that would be the starting point and they could introduce me to others similar to me, so at least my first steps on to the "scene" will not be on my own. Not ready yet, but already thinking and researching. I Have asked the admins on EC for their suggestions..
I'm both glad and sad to find out I'm not the only one. It makes me curious too if a larger number of us who have kept this secret for years are pretty solid introverts, who find going into social situations either difficult, draining, or both. That does reduce the chances you will meet any new friends with differing attitudes from those who have known you for years and are used to their mental image of who you are. I really don't like mingling with larger groups of people (more than 6?) but I can see that if I were to seek out a support group, I'd almost certainly find something of value there. Maybe the introvert needs to take a back seat this time. It's worth thinking about. I guess what I meant about my current friends having their own issues is simply an interpretation of what I know of them, and their lives. I don't have a single friend who is openly gay besides my girlfriend. I don't have any family members who are. I am familiar with the families of my closest friends, none of them are gay. No one I have worked with has been gay, to my knowledge. None of these people have expressed an interest in supporting gay rights, it is as though for this small section of the human race, gay doesn't really factor into their lives. Many of them would describe themselves as religious. Some of them have made dismissive remarks about Pride events, as being ridiculous or in poor taste. I just don't feel that anyone I know is a viable doorway into that kind of honesty and support-seeking. ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2012 at 04:33 PM ---------- Maybe we should start a conversation for people who have never been to a support group of any kind, who have never had open face to face conversations about our sexual orientation with anyone, and find it very intimidating to consider.
