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Dealing with "supportive" parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dalmatian, Sep 19, 2012.

  1. Dalmatian

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    Hi. Just a little rant to try to get some pressure off.

    I came out to my parents some time ago (last year). Their reaction was to me the most horrible mix; they stated their love is unconditional, but that they can't accept me (father especially) as gay. Some very hurtfull words were said and my dad directly stated that he doesn't ever want to know anything about my life when it has to do with homosexuality. He hasn't changed his opinion since and he doesn't seem likely to. My mother cried herself dry and also said bad things.

    Fast forward to present; nothing's changed. Every conversation with my mother is traumatic. Every visit (I don't live with them and due to work and the long trip I visit only every couple of months) leaves me a mess of depression. I go "home" to a vacation, but I return mentally exhausted, completely depleted of energy and it takes me weeks to recover my strength. Every visit is torture. I cringe on any idea of my mother visiting me and I know she expects me to invite her.

    I try to explain how much her tears ruin my self confidence and any self acceptance. I try to make her see that crying every time she thinks about me is not supportive. She just says that I can't expect more and that she is very proud of herself for how she's handling. I can understand her, but I just want to scream at her. It's just too much.

    And dad says absolutely nothing. The biggest issue of my life at the moment is taboo with him.

    I'm just so exhausted.. I feel like crawling into my bed and not leaving for days.


    Thanks for reading. If you have similar experiences and know of a solution, I'd be very interested to hear/read it.
     
  2. TheEmWord

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    Hi there,

    I have has a similar but not as extreme reaction from my parents. It didn't take too ong before my mum came to terms with the idea of me being gay, but my dad still has this horrendous notion that all gay people are 'deviants'. And not just in our sexuality, but how we make decisions in our lives. Me and my dad recently argued about the fact that he believes because I am gay that I have removed all of my morals! I have told him that I have always been gay, but since I came out to him (about a year ago) he thinks I'm becoming an outrageous person. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I haven't changed, they just hear more about my life when I'm not with them (I don't live with my parents either).

    They also have a blanket ban on hearing anything to do with my sex life, or anything to do with the guys and girls I know who are gay. I don't mind this (I'm quite a prude), but like you, it ruins my self confidence!

    I have come to terms with the idea that my family will never be happy with me like this, however, they have not disowned me or anything, and as long as I don't mention my girlfriend, all is how it used to be. I think for now, I will have to be happy with this arrangement. Try and be patient with them, you love them and don't want to hurt them! Allow them to accept the information at their own pace, and find the support you require from friends/partners/other family to avoid crawling into bed!

    Best of luck xx
     
  3. Dalmatian

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    I know.. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with such an emotional black hole and from people I used to expect support from. Where I once felt home and safe, I now feel drained and out of place. It's just so tiring.

    How can you accept your homosexuality as a normal part of yourself when people treat it as if you got a deadly disease or something? I get the urge to tell them "hey, I didn't die, fcol!". But it's ok, because they will "try to live their lives to the end with as much dignity and strength they can muster". They are not even that old, they can expect decades still!


    Well... thank you for your response and good wishes.
     
  4. gaYMich6el

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    Hello Dalmatian,

    Work on your relationship with your parents.

    My mom was so concerned and frightened about "GAY" for a while that she forgot that im still a real person, working on my masters degree, trying to start a career, looking for friends,etc.
    Sometimes im stressed and i need her to calm me down and brainstorm. I find more often than not shes eager to help me.
    And it reminds her again that I have all kinds or real problems, and that I need her in my
    life. In other words, when I call her its not just to say "Im gay" over and over.

    But I do need to discuss my personal life as well. I do it sensitively. She
    hates the word "gay", so I often find myself saying
    "in my situation" or "people like me" so she knows what im talking about. Think about details like that to make the conversations smooth and comfortable. Youre more familiar with what shes like as a person, and her mentality/religion/cultural background and I do recommend being smart when you talk about this. But dont avoid it-- appear sensitive and mature and let her know you really want her in your life.


    By the way my mom is SO much more comfortable talking about it now; she accepts me as normal.
    I can discuss my concerns: finding a community, making a family, reconciling orientation with my religion, and the rest.
    Mind you, this woman was homphobic as hell circa two years ago.

    Just dont get frazzled. Be matter-of-fact, mature and resolute. You do want a real
    relationship with your mom, at least I did.

    Im a major advocate of gays working on good relationships with their families; I think Im
    managing this quite well, and better than most, so ask me more about this if you want.
    Good Luck..........Michael
     
  5. BNQ2012

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    Yikes! It breaks my heart to see situations like yours. I have a gay trans friend who is in a similar predicament. After years of nominal "support" from his family in which they made no effort to learn about his experiences, continued to make disparaging comments, told him not to talk about those aspects of himself, and all the while patted themselves on the back for how "well" they were taking everything, he finally gave up. An outright rejection would have been easier, quicker, and more kind.

    He hasn't cut off contact with them completely and still shows up for important stuff like weddings and funerals but he has stopped trying to make them an integral part of his life and stopped trying to seek their approval. I don't know how that would work for you but he seems happier without exposing himself to the constant emotional roller coaster of dealing with them on a regular basis. There is no malice involved, he simply is no longer going out of his way to make room in his life for people who cannot respect him.

    Also, as far as the relationship improving over time... sometimes stepping back is the best way to communicate that you require real respect of you just won't play the game. Often knowing that you won't tolerate half-hearted acceptance and still be there for them fully is the best way to make them see that what they're offering is simply not good enough. Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for the best. (*hug*)