I broke things off with the girl I'd been seeing. I told her I wanted to be friends. We let things go too far, too fast, and I wasn't comfortable with that. I still have feelings for someone else, and try as I might, I can't make myself feel the deep feelings she has for me. She's in love with me, but I don't feel the same. I like her. I'm attracted to her. She's an awesome person. But I don't feel the same as she does. I told her yesterday, after I'd talked to my counselor and really got my feelings in order. I'd been really confused about what I was feeling. It didn't feel like love. Seeing her didn't make my heart race, although I enjoyed being with her. At the most I wanted someone to experiment with, and that's just not fair to her. I want to stay friends with her, but now everytime I talk to her, I just feel guilty. Things feel so strained, not easy like before. She basically accused me of stomping on her heart yesterday, and I did. I feel like I led her on. I've apologized. I tried to explain that I was trying to make those feelings be there, but they just weren't. I don't think she understands. I don't know how you can remain friends with someone you've been intimate with, and who's in love with you. I'm afraid that's always going to get in the way of being friends.
It is hard to stay friends if her feelings for you are so strong. You did nothing wrong, though, in being honest with her. As hard as I am sure it was for you to do, and while it may be painful to her now because she loves you, telling her the truth that your feelings were not as deep as hers was the right thing to do.
I think that there is no question that you did the right thing, and the fact that she is feeling hurt is not your fault, and not something you should feel guilty about. At the end of the day, we cannot help who we do and do not fall in love with, but we can help how we treat them. And I think that by being honest about your feelings towards her, you have shown her a much greater respect and regard than you would have had you continued in the relationship, only for her to be much more hurt and betrayed at a later date. It is not your fault that you don't feel as strongly about her as she does you, and you have shown a much greater regard for her person and feelings in breaking up with her. With regards being friends, I personally have found that, with regards my ex, I cannot maintain any contact with a person that I am still at least in part in love with, who is not in love with me, and who I was intimate with. I know of people who have remained friends with people they have gone out with, but I also know that for many people, it can be very difficult to get over someone if you still see them on a regular basis. I think that really, it depends upon whether you think she can get over you, as if she can't, uncomfortableness between you aside, your desire to remain her friend will actually be preventing her from falling in love with someone who can reciprocate. I'm very sorry that things have turned out how they did, but I hope that things get better, and you did totally the right thing, even if you feel bad.
I am still friends with my ex. If anything it made us stronger friends after it, so it is certainly possible. I think it is important to accept that she may not want to be considering how strong her feelings are. Maybe in the future you can be, but for now you need to leave her to sort out her emotions and feelings. She knows you want to be friends, so you need to let her make the first move.
I think that martin has the right idea. Of course it is possible to be friends with someone who you have had feelings for and been intimate with, in some cases there is enough complatibility to be awesome friends and just nothing more, and it stregnths the friendship somehow. you did the right thing, you were fair to yourself and her. do not feel like you lead her on just because things did not work out. you gave it a chance, and it didnt work. that is no ones fault these things happen. you feel guilty for hurting her if nothing else, and that just shows that you do care about her. we all know that in getting involved with someone, we chance getting hurt. she took that chance, and got burned. she will recover and hopefully she wont always resent you for it and she will see that you were really doing that was right at the time. From her side. being friends might be too hard right now. Just like any relationship, in order for a friendship to replace it, you need time for those feelings to die down. otherwise there is constant heartache and awkwardness. hopefully she will see that you dont want her out of your life completely, but at the same time, i believe that the friendship ball is in her court and she has to do what is easiest for her. I am in love with my best friend. it hurts everytime i see her. every thing is a huge grey area because we had crossed that friend line before. All I need is time to step back and take those feelings and burry them, but she doesnt see that and so it is the same dance over and over. I realize I am hurting myself, but i dont want to lose the friend ship. so really it is up to her. she might see that although it hurts incredibly bad, if her options are to be your friend or not have you at all, she will suck it up. its always hard. feelings are hard, people are hard. nothing is easy and people get hurt. such is life. you did right by you, and thats all you can do. the rest is up to her and there is really nothing you can do. i am sorry. if u need to talk were all around, just take things slow and play it by ear. let her lead. good luck.
Thanks for the advice. She says she can handle it, but I'm not really sure. I couldn't. She says she's butch and that she's tough, and it's fine if I don't return her feelings. I've let her make the first move today as far as communication, and it's been all right. I'm not really inviting her to do things. I think it's best that we have a little distance. I told her I'd let her know if a friendly outing turned too friendly. Our kids like each other, and we might get them together this weekend. A different sort of playdate. I also promised to fix her computer for her, so I said I would if she'd bring it to me. I'm hoping that not having long phone calls and teasing emails, might help things die down enough that she can be friends. I know I did the right thing. I just wish doing it hadn't felt so bad. And even worse, I really felt a lot of relief once I told her the truth. That only made me feel worse. I wrote out all of my feelings last night, and I was able to sleep. She was trying to lay a little guilt on me by telling me she didn't sleep last night, and she doesn't think she'll be able to tonight.
yeah hopefully she doesnt do the guilt thing for too long. it doesnt make things any easier. and yeah, stepping back and stuff like that is good. let her come to you and dont play coy. it will hurt her. every time, but it will get easier. for both of you, because the more she gets over it, the less guilt she will put on you. stay strong you did good, and shes a big girl, she will learn to cope.
